Tag Archives: Suicide

Camino de Santiago Frances

The Path I’ve Walked

1 Comment
Original drawing – VAY Designs

I had a lot of built up anxiety prior to getting on the plane Wednesday morning. This trip was 6 months coming and then it appeared all too quickly. It’s interesting to reflect on the path I’ve walked which led to me walking a literal path in Spain. The mindset I was in when I bought the tickets and how my world changed since, well, it feels like two different worlds.

February 13, 2019 0500 CST

I bought the tickets in a haze of sleeplessness. I was unsettled. The nightmares were creeping in on my periphery. They were alive in my mind without me even closing my eyes. I couldn’t, no wouldn’t, allow myself to sleep. The fear if entering my never ending nightmares spurred me on to practice one tool after another, but nothing calmed them, or me.

Trail on the Camino de Santiago Frances

I, finally, took my mind back to the Camino de Santiago I did in October 2018. I recalled the smell of the eucalyptus trees, still wet with dew. The quiet of the rail, the only sound was the crunchy of my shoes on the path. Singing in the rain, getting caught, and being asked to keep singing. The sense of freedom and no restrictions. The lack of my story holding me back. This was what I most wanted as I looked at ticket prices.
I hoped to find those same senses by returning to the trail. Last year I used the trail to hold onto through the struggles. On this particular February morning I once again needed something to hold onto, to keep living. I wanted to escape my pain, back to the last place that I felt peace.

After February 13th

It’s not that I don’t have peace in my daily life. I’m just constantly looking for the next danger, the next repeat of my trauma. I’m always on alert. I wish I could better embrace the peace and joy that occurs in my daily life. I also have this wanderlust inside me, and perhaps that makes me restless. I’m great in a crisis or a high adrenaline event, it’s the normal where I begin to fall and fail.
So what changed, what happened since that rough February night, which made it so difficult to actually come on this trip? Just buying the tickets I had felt i found my escape, something to look forward to, hold on to. It wasn’t a foolish choice, it was quite informed of me. I lined my date’s up with when my lease ended. I found a balance in my desire to escape and my life responsibilities. Giving myself this time was important. It offered me the space to process, connect better with others, and make a healthy departure.

I took a turn off the Camino to find this gem of nature.

For almost as long as I can remember, I have had this unhealthy desire to just up and disappear, to run away from everyone. It often has strong emotional ties to shame, guilt, pain, and other dark emotions. As an adult, I began struggling with thoughts of suicide. Suicide: the ultimate disappearing act. When I think about my struggles it is hardly ever a reflection of others. It is a reflection of how I can’t stand myself, occasionally informed by the opinions of others. The thing is I can’t escape myself anymore than you can escape yourself. So my urge to disappear doesn’t work, I can’t run from myself. That was where the permanence of suicide began to feel attractive.
Luckily, for me, I was born with this little flame in my soul, called HOPE. Sometimes, I am in awe of how strong it is. It keeps me going in the darkest of times. It is what gets me to buy plane tickets so I can walk across Spain. Once the tickets were bought, life started to get a little easier. I had an egress plan. Rule #1 of combat, know your egress points. Okay, maybe not rule #1, but it’s up there for sure. It’s as if I can handle anything as long as there is an escape route.
Funny thing happened though, I made my escape plan and then began to experience a life I didn’t want to escape from. Every day wasn’t perfect, but life felt good. It felt possible. I let myself be more vulnerable. I began to accept the love others kept trying to share with me. I leaned into my art and my dream of building a non-profit. I built deeper relationships with neighbors, coworkers, customers, and friends. Instead of thinking I could go nowhere with my dreams, I just started doing it. It was as if I suddenly had nothing to loose, so why not try. To my surprise, people really supported me! I even met someone special who has made my life even better. It turned out I didn’t need to escape my life. I needed to be embracing it.

Signpost directing where the Camino continues.

So, then I considered not going on this trip at all. I balked at the risk of leaving a good life, finally, a good life. The thing is, I had heard this call to adventure and I accepted it. My current level of comfort at home should not hinder me answering the call and stepping into the unknown. A person won’t grow well unless, from time to time, they face the unknown and seek the new knowledge and wisdom it has in store.
The beauty to this evolution is that I don’t know what I’m walking the Camino for. I am no longer escaping. I’m not appearing, like the last Camino, for myself. They’re is no record breaking, comparing, or competing. I’m simply embracing the unknown by putting one foot in front of the other, and continue to walk.

Kansas City, MO

I don’t know you, but I love you.

Leave a comment

I don’t know you, but I love you.

Last year a friend of mine suicided. Honestly, we were not that close but we shared this passion and this purpose that draws me close to so many people. I attended his funeral and grieved with my friends for the red-bearded giant who loved pumpkin spice lattes in the morning and Jamison to cap the day off. More than his favorite drinks he loved serving others and having a purpose. I didn’t know him well, but loved him nonetheless.

In the last 18 months I have in some way been connected to more individuals than I can count on my hands, who have taken that last resort, that last ditch option that it’s hard to back out of except on accident. When James’ suicide took my community by storm there was an outcry on social media from so many people who were struggling with thoughts and behaviors of suicide. I moved from post to post offering my support as a trained ASIST caregiver, my friendship, and most importantly my love. Some rejected my statements or thought me foolish, one girl challenged how I could love her without knowing her. Nonetheless , I love each of them. I want to tell you why I can love each of you, without ever having met you.

This is a hard time of year for me, because it is the anniversary of how in the darkest of days in my life I was able to love someone that I didn’t even know and in the end will never truly know. I lost my baby in my first trimester. It’s statistically probable and so relatively insignificant that it occurred, in the grand scheme of things. It wasn’t a cookie cutter planned pregnancy, but none the less I found myself with child. Something I wanted my whole life. I had no idea who this life was inside me. What a good man he could be. What glass ceilings she might shatter. I didn’t need to know a thing about my baby, who I called Sharkbait, after Nemo. Just like Nemo, my baby would start out with disadvantages, but I believed he was strong, that she could conquer all. I believed that just by being I could love Sharkbait so much that it would never end.

I remember my devastation, after two weeks of hearing a heartbeat while suffering complications, to birth my almost 10 week old fetus in the dark of my room and realized I’d never hear the sound of his heart again. Sharkbait was gone and I loved him no less and maybe even so much more for the wasted potential.

When someone suicides, or simply doesn’t try in life to succeed, I find that I love them nonetheless and also so much more. Knowing this, having experienced what I have, I try each day to love every person I encounter more and more. I’m not always perfect, but I damn sure try, and no one is less off for my love.

I recall very vaguely the few days following my miscarriage where my mum flew me to where she was in Vegas at a conference, so I could be near her. It was a blaze of booze, cigarettes, and a roulette table. It was late nights sitting on a pillow in the bathroom so she wouldn’t be awoken by my sobs.

I thought I would die. I wished for it. It was a shit year full of mental health crisis from my undiagnosed PTSD (at the time) that I couldn’t acknowledge because of stigma. The same stigma that makes people not talk about suicide or miscarriage. The things that make us appear so vulnerable in its’ honesty, so we bottle them up like they don’t exist… until they boil over in the dark of night… at bar closing when we’ve had too much to drink… in whispered circles with intimate friends… in the awkward pause when someone says that I don’t know the pain of childbirth without remembering they know my hidden shame.

When I lost him I told myself the sympathetic response that we’re now taught not to say… “At least you can have more kids one day”… “ At least you’re free now from being tied down”… and the list goes on. No one told me those things, they were mine to say. Mostly other people would stutter, at a loss for words, often they still do. The empathic response I’ve been told are the ones that helped me pick up the pieces and change my own mindset. “I understand.” “Me too.” “I love you.” “I’m here for you.” The most valued response was the love I was given.

Through my own ongoing struggles with suicide post-Iraq, my miscarriage almost broke the camels back. The next year around this time I became even worse than before with my thoughts and behaviors of suicide. In the interim I’d connected to an organization that provided me the opportunity to live and serve others, I did so as a promise to the lost potential from my miscarriage. I felt I had to take on and be the potential, make my life something of value.

It wasn’t enough. The one year anniversary came and I was a mess. There were people who didn’t know my full story, and still won’t unless they read this blog. It didn’t stop those people from loving me regardless of their knowledge of me. They saved me, helped me carry what felt like an impossible burden. I still could not speak of it. Nonetheless, I was loved beyond measure.

Through multiple programs, therapies, medications, struggles with binge drinking, and not always making good decisions I have been loved regardless of how well others know me. You don’t even know what you don’t know about another person. So you have to go on faith that you love things about them you couldn’t even imagine.

We all have secret pains. We all suffer shame and guilt. We all let society and it’s stigma hold us back from the edge of living our true lives and being our true selves.

If you’ve suffered a miscarriage, have a mental health diagnosis, struggle with suicide or addiction, or even feel as if your life is happy and easy, whatever you are, whatever you do… I love you, I really do, even though I likely don’t even know you. You can take faith knowing that you are loved. You are not alone. I look for you in the street, so we can share a smile and be connected a little more. even if only for a second… because nonetheless I will always love you, the same way as after 4 years I still love my Sharkbait that never got to live, but somehow helped me find a life worth living.

Original Post on Medium.

Kansas City, MO

Suicide: When No One Answers

Leave a comment

A few months ago I had my 31,642nd breakdown (actual number may vary), while climbing into an MRI machine at the KCVA for what felt like the millionth time. They stopped the scan, pulled me out of the machine, and handed me tissues. I told them that I was only there because I’m a good little sailor and the doctors wanted it. The thing the tech said next sticks with me, “You’re not in the military anymore, no one can give you orders, only do this if you want to.” It’s amazing how this one sentence helps me deal with thoughts of suicide, when no one answers the phone.

I drew this over the weekend as I thought about the mental health of myself and those I love.

I really, really, really fucking care that people are killing themselves. Yes, three really’s were necessary. I care so much because I have found a life that I love, despite struggles with suicide, and I want others to find hope and a life they love. Sometimes I care so much because it’s a little selfish. If there aren’t people that care this much then how do I justify continuing to live through the darkness that comes over me. I wonder if life is worth it when people suicide. I pick up my phone and I reach out to so many people, looking for someone to hold my hand or just listen to me cry. I try to vary the individuals that I reach out to, because I don’t want them to give up on me when I give up on myself. More often than not I get loving texts telling me they are unavailable, but give many fucks about me. They say I love you, I miss you, I want to see you soon. I reread the texts over and over thinking about seeing them soon, or hearing their voice. I wonder, what do I do? What do I do when no one answers the phone? When it feels so dark and so alone and I can’t seem to contact a person who is available or no one answers my calls… what then?

I have to remember that I am not in the military anymore, so I get to make my own decisions. Whether you were ever military, still are, or never were, just know; you get to make your own decisions too. Having thoughts of suicide is not unusual, more people than you think deal with them, including myself. You get to make decisions for yourself, so if you are thinking of options to deal with your thoughts, before choosing suicide, here are some alternatives to try:

What do I do when no one answers, and I’m at the end of my rope?

I could call 911 on myself

This seems an unlikely decision, but if I don’t know that I can live through the next 5 minutes and the 5 after that and so on, then I should pick up the phone and call. If I can safely navigate to an emergency facility, that is also an option. Likely though, if I’m in a dark place, I shouldn’t drive a car. I shouldn’t be alone if I worry that I can’t trust myself to make life-saving decisions. If I already have a plan I should also not be by myself to go through with that plan, so I can call for emergency help.

I could call the National Suicide Hotline and talk to someone

1–800–273–8255 (1 for veterans) Text Home to 741741 Chat Online

Calling a hotline is a pretty safe anonymous thing. If you don’t desire to go to a facility or call 911, then these are the people to call. They will help you find other ways to go. They will listen, really listen, as you share what is going on and what you desire for yourself. Use the information in this poster to contact them.

I can put down the drugs and alcohol

Using substances that alter your body chemistry may seem like a great idea, but it doesn’t help you have peace of mind and make decisions that are healthy for you. If you can’t stop, then go to a hospital to get help to stop. They have options to help you come down off of a substance safely. If the easiest way to stop is to lay down and go to sleep, try that. I stopped drinking for a whole year of my life because it was my go to cure, it was not an answer. It was terribly hard, but now if I am struggling I work really hard to not drink as a crutch. I got help and relearned how to manage my life and alcohol, instead of it managing me.

I could take a shower

Showers are a great way to calm down the body and the soul. It also helps you get ready to go to sleep. Some people say that eating an orange in the shower is an enlightening experience, maybe this is a chance to try that. If an orange isn’t available, maybe a banana or some celery and peanut butter. Maybe your thing is a bath with the computer propped on the toilet playing Mad Men on Netflix. I like to brush my teeth and then shower to calm down. Finding routine activities to care for yourself can help your mind and soul feel more at ease, as well as your body.

I could eat something

Have you eaten today? I often find that when I am struggling with thoughts of suicide if I eat something it helps regulate my body. You would be surprised how many times when I am struggling emotionally it is correlated with a lack of food in my system. Even if you think it won’t help, what’s the harm of cleaning all the potato chips out of the cupboard?

I could drink a glass of water

Last fall I was having a really rough go of things and I called a friend in panic because I thought I would do something stupid instead of facing the stressful Annual Training I had starting the next day. She was patient and kind and said “When did you last drink a glass of water?” I didn’t know. She said “Go drink a glass of water, the full thing. Don’t chug it, just drink it. When it’s gone, call me back.” I found this suggestion extremely helpful. It calmed my breathing and I was able to refocus myself on doing other ideas on this list. I didn’t call her, she got a text instead, telling her I was doing better and what my next steps were to stay safe.

I could create

Often when I am at the end of my rope I start drawing, painting, writing, or whatever creative thing fulfills my need to release the pressure built up inside me. Maybe you play music, sing along with the radio, or like to rearrange your furniture. Find a way to express yourself that also shows kindness to yourself. If you don’t like it the next day, chuck it, hide it, whatever works.

I could workout

Working out could change the chemistry going on in my body and help ease my mental discomfort. Certainly, it can be distracting with some loud rock music blaring in my ears as I beat the shit out of my stationary bike or exercise ball (yeah, my workout equipment is LAME). You could go for a walk, or a run if you are in a safe neighborhood too. I am also a big fan of doing yoga off of YouTube to help find some semblance of gravity in my moments that I am ready to float away forever. Do you want to borrow my Insanity DVDs? They truly define insane… and are practically brand new!

I could try meditation or mindfulness

I also love YouTube for this one. Or one of many apps, Headspace and Insight Timer are two that I have heard a lot about lately. Look for videos or podcasts on meditation or mindfulness. This one is unique and I have some friends who get a good kick out of it: F*ck That, An Honest Meditation. There are also more serious ones out there that can help with any number of emotions or getting to sleep.

I could go to sleep

If you go back and read my first blog on medium you can understand a small picture of what I went through on my first tour overseas. One of the things I contribute to making it through that deployment was the idea that if I go to sleep then maybe tomorrow I will wake up and it will all be different. Every night, every time I thought of doing something stupid, I would tell myself this and I would crawl into bed. The next day it was often the same shitty thing in the same shitty place. One day I woke up and they said I could go home finally. Even after I came home my adjustment was rough. I would do the same thing, just go to sleep, and have hope that tomorrow would bring new things. What I can tell you is it doesn’t cure the issues to just go to sleep, but it does allow your body and mind rest so tomorrow you can do something different to change your life.

Hope for tomorrow

Sometimes you can only plan for a second or 5 minutes at a time, sometimes you can only hope for tomorrow. That’s okay, because tomorrow you can find new resources to help you further. You’ve drank a big glass of water, you’ve eaten some food, you’ve showered, you’ve called for help, and you’ve cared for yourself by reading this blog and trying some of the things listed. It doesn’t matter if you still have thoughts, but I hope that you have found hope for tomorrow. Tomorrow you can find a mental health provider to help you or a program that can provide new opportunities to be you.

Take this opportunity to make a decision for yourself. One that is kind to yourself, and shows love, even if you don’t feel it right now. Know I’m loving you. If you’re stuck, reach out, even to me… this cheesy but serious blog writer. I love you and I don’t even know you yet, please stay here with me.

❤ Vic