I’m struggling on this journey with habits and patterns that I have created at home to manage myself and my PTSD.
If I were home right now I would be sleeping, because it’s still morning. I might go out to work at Starbucks today. I may spend time painting or drawing. I would likely sit outside at the picnic table, enjoying the last days of summer with Janelle before she goes back to work. I’d have made a coffee, and then another, and likely a third. I wouldn’t have eaten anything yet. I’d likely spend a lot of time indoors, binging Netflix or reading a novel. Possibly, I would do some household chores and rearrange the living room for the millionth time. Tomorrow I would do the same, just as this is what I did yesterday. Life became stale. I was complacent in my maximum isolation. So full of thoughts, and hopes, and desires, but not moving towards anything, just talking it in circles and writing down ideas.
This morning I had one cafe con leche and a ham and cheese sandwich. I packed my bag and I hit the road. I greeted others in kindness and compassion for our mutual journey and struggles up hills. I drank lots of water. I stopped and meditated in my surroundings, not concerned with those going past at faster speeds than I. I drank more water and ate a small muffin. I heard music and I stopped to sing along as the Guitarist played Stand By Me (Ben E. King). I encouraged myself to keep moving on the hills, but to stop, look around, and look up. I discovered that what I thought were dates were actually almonds. Who knew they grew on trees in green pods? I didn’t, nor did the three French women who showed it to me, explaining in French. I don’t speak French, but we understood each other all the same.
I found an old cistern on the top of a hill and I stopped to meditate again. Maybe someone took my picture, or they were just catching the view. Someone walked by and told me “Namaste”. I continued to meditate and breathe. When I opened my eyes everything was brighter, my sight was clearer. Even the ants on my bag didn’t ruin my day. I wondered why it is that I avoid meditating regularly. Is lack of peace such a comfortable place?
I arrived at my destination and felt as if I had not come far enough today, but I’m learning I must make myself pause, even when my body insists it can go further. I fed, cleaned, and embraced my body for its strength and resilience. I interact with others through smile and greeting, feeling akin. This is a life one cannot find binging netflix in the living room. I do believe this is a life we can find by stepping out our front door. There is no need to travel, though I highly encourage it. Seeing and experiencing other cultures gives us perspectives to grow and love better. I hope and believe that everyone can take their own journey and not only finds new ways to embrace life, but like I have on this trail, find that life is embracing you back.
Tag Archives: Self-Love
The Path I’ve Walked
I had a lot of built up anxiety prior to getting on the plane Wednesday morning. This trip was 6 months coming and then it appeared all too quickly. It’s interesting to reflect on the path I’ve walked which led to me walking a literal path in Spain. The mindset I was in when I bought the tickets and how my world changed since, well, it feels like two different worlds.
February 13, 2019 0500 CST
I bought the tickets in a haze of sleeplessness. I was unsettled. The nightmares were creeping in on my periphery. They were alive in my mind without me even closing my eyes. I couldn’t, no wouldn’t, allow myself to sleep. The fear if entering my never ending nightmares spurred me on to practice one tool after another, but nothing calmed them, or me.
I, finally, took my mind back to the Camino de Santiago I did in October 2018. I recalled the smell of the eucalyptus trees, still wet with dew. The quiet of the rail, the only sound was the crunchy of my shoes on the path. Singing in the rain, getting caught, and being asked to keep singing. The sense of freedom and no restrictions. The lack of my story holding me back. This was what I most wanted as I looked at ticket prices.
I hoped to find those same senses by returning to the trail. Last year I used the trail to hold onto through the struggles. On this particular February morning I once again needed something to hold onto, to keep living. I wanted to escape my pain, back to the last place that I felt peace.
After February 13th
It’s not that I don’t have peace in my daily life. I’m just constantly looking for the next danger, the next repeat of my trauma. I’m always on alert. I wish I could better embrace the peace and joy that occurs in my daily life. I also have this wanderlust inside me, and perhaps that makes me restless. I’m great in a crisis or a high adrenaline event, it’s the normal where I begin to fall and fail.
So what changed, what happened since that rough February night, which made it so difficult to actually come on this trip? Just buying the tickets I had felt i found my escape, something to look forward to, hold on to. It wasn’t a foolish choice, it was quite informed of me. I lined my date’s up with when my lease ended. I found a balance in my desire to escape and my life responsibilities. Giving myself this time was important. It offered me the space to process, connect better with others, and make a healthy departure.
For almost as long as I can remember, I have had this unhealthy desire to just up and disappear, to run away from everyone. It often has strong emotional ties to shame, guilt, pain, and other dark emotions. As an adult, I began struggling with thoughts of suicide. Suicide: the ultimate disappearing act. When I think about my struggles it is hardly ever a reflection of others. It is a reflection of how I can’t stand myself, occasionally informed by the opinions of others. The thing is I can’t escape myself anymore than you can escape yourself. So my urge to disappear doesn’t work, I can’t run from myself. That was where the permanence of suicide began to feel attractive.
Luckily, for me, I was born with this little flame in my soul, called HOPE. Sometimes, I am in awe of how strong it is. It keeps me going in the darkest of times. It is what gets me to buy plane tickets so I can walk across Spain. Once the tickets were bought, life started to get a little easier. I had an egress plan. Rule #1 of combat, know your egress points. Okay, maybe not rule #1, but it’s up there for sure. It’s as if I can handle anything as long as there is an escape route.
Funny thing happened though, I made my escape plan and then began to experience a life I didn’t want to escape from. Every day wasn’t perfect, but life felt good. It felt possible. I let myself be more vulnerable. I began to accept the love others kept trying to share with me. I leaned into my art and my dream of building a non-profit. I built deeper relationships with neighbors, coworkers, customers, and friends. Instead of thinking I could go nowhere with my dreams, I just started doing it. It was as if I suddenly had nothing to loose, so why not try. To my surprise, people really supported me! I even met someone special who has made my life even better. It turned out I didn’t need to escape my life. I needed to be embracing it.
So, then I considered not going on this trip at all. I balked at the risk of leaving a good life, finally, a good life. The thing is, I had heard this call to adventure and I accepted it. My current level of comfort at home should not hinder me answering the call and stepping into the unknown. A person won’t grow well unless, from time to time, they face the unknown and seek the new knowledge and wisdom it has in store.
The beauty to this evolution is that I don’t know what I’m walking the Camino for. I am no longer escaping. I’m not appearing, like the last Camino, for myself. They’re is no record breaking, comparing, or competing. I’m simply embracing the unknown by putting one foot in front of the other, and continue to walk.
A New Year, New Day, New Moment
I woke up on January 1st 2017 in a haze from going out the night before. I was reminded of the person I used to be and as I chugged water to shake the hang over out of my head I thought about why I worked so hard to not be that person. Every year I hope that January 1st will come and I will be sprinkled with magical fairy dust which makes me thinner, healthier, and happier. Basically not me. And nothing has every really changed. This January 1st I woke up with a sense of knowing that I am clinging to now, ten days later. It feels prophetic and immense in nature. It is a sensation that I can only describe as hope for the future in a way that feels very alive like a roaring fire inside of me.
Instead of holding my New Year’s (over)celebration against myself, I forgave myself. I opted to choose love towards myself as I tried to discover where my cell phone had gone the previous night and how I had made it home. I reminded myself that I won’t be perfect and will sometimes let myself down. I don’t want to be perfect, sometimes being imperfect is more fun… but only if I can forgive myself the next day. Otherwise it is an unbearable reality that threatens my whole self.
In 2009 while I was training to go to Iraq I jokingly bummed a cigarette, lit it, and smoked it. The exhilaration of a change in chemistry made me smoke a second, then a third, eventually buying my own packs and cartons. I swore I would quit when I came home from Iraq. It was easy to make an excuse, I mean for goodness sake, I was at war. Even my parents made that excuse for me. I came home and swore I would quit. I kept smoking. I went to Afghanistan and smoked several packs a day. I proved I could quit mid tour when I stopped smoking for 5 weeks to prove a point to someone. At the end of that 5 weeks I decided to start smoking again. I don’t think I forgave myself for smoking, I just made different and better excuses. Then I just owned my failure and said I had no excuse except I liked the taste of a cigarette with coffee and the burn of the smoke in my throat. Even that was an excuse to keep punishing myself.
When I woke up ten days ago I didn’t just forgive myself for partying too much the night before. I forgave myself for everything that has been the last 8 years and it has taken 10 days to understand.
There are two kinds of people at New Year’s, the kind that make resolutions and the kind that say resolutions are worthless. I heard a lot from both sides coming up to New Year and I didn’t make up my mind about what my goals for 2017 would be until I woke up on the 1st. Those who make resolutions choose to side with hope for themselves and for the future. Those who say resolutions are worthless side with doubt, also for themselves and for the future. I am sure that many will say they have different reasons, but when it boils down to it, don’t you think that sounds right? Setting goals is the difference between hope and doubt. Even trying and failing year after year, a person still chooses hope. Several years ago I stopped trying.
I have been trying to get back to myself. More so, I have been trying to find the me that I don’t recall knowing, the person that I love and trust. Not the person who punishes myself with bad choices and negative thoughts. I started trying a few years back, not because it was the 1st of the year, but because I knew that I could not continue unless I found a different answer than the ones that I gave myself. I work with programs like Warriors’ Ascent not just to help other people but also to continue helping myself. As I help and encourage others to meditate, do yoga, and practice introspection I still struggle. I don’t expect that they won’t struggle still and always. What I have seen in the last several years that trying is hope and it can bring new life and new breathe to a person. I have kept going, sometimes in a direction that feels like I am pushing a boulder up a hill. I have time and again reminded myself that there are answers I don’t yet have and I have to keep going. In high school I used to run, but ever since Iraq I don’t like running, likely because I feel like my whole life is running without a goal in sight.
The thing is that looking back on the years there have been many moments like January 1st 2017. It is a moment where something I have been searching for clicks. Something that I have been trying to understand or grasp or learn just suddenly makes sense and I find a sense of ease. The boulder disappears and my journey becomes a little easier. I pray for these moments. I pray that I move from knowing how to make my road a little easier to doing the actions that get me there. So I stopped.
I did not go to the store for a pack of cigarettes. I told myself 5 more minutes. For Christmas my parents gave me a book called Getting There: A Book of Mentors where Michael Bloomberg says “If your mind starts to wander to past events, the only advice I can give you is don’t go. Just stop it! Think about something else. If you divert your attention, your mind won’t immediately go back to the unpleasant occurrence, and when it eventually does, simply stop thinking about it again. That’s how you quit smoking. You don’t have to stop for the rest of your life, just stop for five minutes.” He then goes on to say at the end of 5 minutes if you want a cigarette, wait another five minutes. When I read this it really started to turn some gears back into place. Whatever you think of Michael Bloomberg, his words are true. I have been using this idea to interrupt my panic attack for a couple years, but never thought to apply it elsewhere in my life.
It’s a New Year, each day is a New Day, each 5 minutes is a New 5 Minutes, and each moment is a New Moment. In a moment of time the gears finished moving back into place and as I forgave myself for one evening, that would normally disrupt the whole course of my life, I somehow started forgiving myself for everything. It’s been 10 days without a cigarette, no e-cigarette, no nicotine anything, just me and 5 minutes at a time. Just me and forgiving myself and truly starting to treat myself as if I love myself. But it didn’t happen in only one moment, it happen in a million moments that built up overtime and altered my course. It is the multitude of moments and minutes and days and years that keep moving forward to continue choosing life over death.
Each of these 10 days that I have not smoked I have spent those 5 minute intervals (the length of a normal cigarette) thinking deeply about loving myself. I have started a list of how to love myself better. I have left plenty of blank space on the list for the future ideas. I have started meditating again, am sleeping better, feel better, and am falling in love with myself.
I hope you find inspiration and seek the 5 minutes or the moments that bring you hope for the future. Happy New Year! Happy New Day! Happy 5 Minutes! Happy Moment!
Original Post on Medium.
Choose Love, Not Hate… But How?
I am a fan of hashtags. One recent one is #Chooselovenothate. This is my response to the pain I see on social media and in the world around me. I look back at my life and am so thankful that I have found the ability to love in a way that is more than seems humanly possible, but in a world so full of hate, how do we choose love?
Think about someone you are close with that once got angry or mean in a really stressful time. It is understandable that when we are stressed or scared we start to protect ourselves and this comes out as anger or meanness, especially when it is a friend or family member. I had a wise friend once tell me that fear and sadness are the root of anger. I reflected on the anger that I hold within me, and I found this to be true. These are the two reasons why today I became very angry at people that I love very much, not because of who they are, but because of the fear and sadness I had within me.
A lot of my anger stems from my issues in the military. I was taught to fear situations that many who have not walked in my shoes would think are rather uneventful. I am very sad, still to this day and maybe forever, because I live in a world that has left its scars. It’s like a cold and warm front smashing in to each other in my head and anger erupts. There are scars everywhere in the lives of each person, some are deeper than others. Still, how in a world that appears so full of hate, how do we choose love?
Think again about the person who you are close with and that you know they were just having a bad day and trying to protect themselves. Imagine that every person in this world who shows anger, hate, dislike, or is mean is merely trying to protect themselves because they have a fear front that clashed with a sadness front.
Step 1: Remember that each person is dealing with a story inside themselves that we may not be allowed to read.
They are struggling with fears that may or may not be warranted. They may fear something they do not understand, don’t agree with, or that is terribly different from who they are. They may be very sad that they are confused, don’t understand, or do not agree with a situation. Maybe their pride, guilt, or shame gets thrown into the midst. Maybe they have a whole story going on inside them that you or I will never be able to understand. I said it twice for a reason.
Fear, Sadness, Anger, Pride, Guilt, Shame are all normal emotions. Just in case you didn’t hear, they are NORMAL emotions. It is when we allow them to take control that we start to spiral out of control and they become beasts that overwhelm us and cause us to behave in ways that hurt ourselves and others. They say misery loves company, and I only use this old quote because if you think about it, it is really true, about so many different emotions. Misery just happened to get the copyright on it.
Now think of yourself in a moment where you were angry or lashed out at people around you. Afterwards, did you think about it?
If you thought about it, did you wish you could have done something different? When I am angry, hateful, spiteful, or just plain mean I hear a voice deep in my heart and soul that is crying for me. For a long time in my life I didn’t care, I never heard this voice. As I began to reconnect with who I wanted to be in life I found that there was this voice hiding behind the shadows in my life. Some people call it a conscience, intuition, angel’s voice, or many other things, I just call her my Wild Woman. Once I started listening to what was going on inside me, I could not turn back.
Step Two: Start listening to the voice inside yourself that says positive things, and encourages love and happiness.
This means you have to start listening to yourself. It looks different for different people. Some people pray because the voice in themselves is God. Some people meditate in order to clear the mind. Some journal or create in order to understand themselves. You have to understand your own emotions in order to better understand others. It’s a practice, not a perfection, by the way. It also looks like whatever it looks like for you. Try different things to begin understanding your own emotions.
You won’t always like what you are hearing, but remind yourself that you are in control over what is going on inside you.
The story that you may not share, is that story that you can control. You can throw it out, you can hold on to it, or you can take it and develop it into something more to be who you want to be. You see my last post? I didn’t let the darkness beat me, I found my voice. So can you! Take a leap of faith with me, you won’t even have to be on a 30ish foot pole like I was in this photo collage!
Step Three: Now that you are listening to yourself, tell yourself that you love you.
We are better equipped to love others when we love ourselves. Often anger and hate have little to do with the issue or with the person we lash out at, it has to do with us being unhappy with ourselves. Daily I practice this step, because it is really hard, and I don’t always remember I love myself. The great thing is that we have this Prefrontal Cortex that offers us reasoning (this can be altered in someone with PTSD or brain trauma, but dealing with that is a blog for a different day, maybe next week). So we can logically reason that since we feed, clothe, and provide sleep to our bodies that we actually do love ourselves, even if our emotions don’t jive with the statement. So use that reasoning and tell yourself that you love yourself. In the way that is right because you deserve to be loved, even if maybe you don’t like everything about yourself, you can still love yourself. So say it, go ahead, I’ll wait…
I’m waiting, just like this, right now, I promise. Go on, say you love yourself!
Step Four: Take that love you are practicing on yourself and practice it on others.
This means that you tell yourself you love other people, especially if they are making you want to lash out or are different from you, or make a mistake. You chose to read this article, you chose to pause and tell yourself you love yourself (or you chose not too and rolled your eyes instead!?!?), and you can choose to show love to others. In your head as you internally roll your eyes, remind yourself that you want to live in a world where you are loved no matter what. In order to live in a world like this you must give this love. When you are angry, people get angry back. When you show hate, you are shown hate in return. When you raise your voice the response is in a raised voice also. When you show love, you receive love. When you more easily forgive, you are more easily forgiven.
I have heard the argument that it is not easy to do, or that you can’t choose your emotions or sometimes even your behavior, but I will tell you right now… STOP. Stop telling yourself what you are not able to do anything. Stop being negative about your own abilities. I can sit here and I can tell you these four, seemingly simple steps, because I know that it is not easy at all and I know that it is not impossible. Some people practice a musical instrument, a fitness routine, or some other skill until they become the best that they want or can be. You probably have a practice that you have been practicing your whole life. So why not start this one too?
Step Five: Repeat as Needed
At the core of each of us we want to be loved. This means loving others and loving ourselves. For some this comes easily, for some it comes hard, and for some of us we get lost in between and wander in our shadow. When we are stuck in our shadow and our own story we have a hard time seeing the light and the love that comes with it. Those who want to live in the shadows, they can’t see through it. If you made it this far, then know that you can and will succeed at this. Stories now and forever ago confirm that love is the greatest of all emotions and values in life. You have to journey to get there. I still am, and even on days like today that I want to lash out, instead, I write and create and tell myself I love myself and I love others too much to choose hate. So today I choose love not hate. Will you join me in practicing? Will you choose love not hate?
Original Post on Medium.