I’m struggling on this journey with habits and patterns that I have created at home to manage myself and my PTSD.
If I were home right now I would be sleeping, because it’s still morning. I might go out to work at Starbucks today. I may spend time painting or drawing. I would likely sit outside at the picnic table, enjoying the last days of summer with Janelle before she goes back to work. I’d have made a coffee, and then another, and likely a third. I wouldn’t have eaten anything yet. I’d likely spend a lot of time indoors, binging Netflix or reading a novel. Possibly, I would do some household chores and rearrange the living room for the millionth time. Tomorrow I would do the same, just as this is what I did yesterday. Life became stale. I was complacent in my maximum isolation. So full of thoughts, and hopes, and desires, but not moving towards anything, just talking it in circles and writing down ideas.
This morning I had one cafe con leche and a ham and cheese sandwich. I packed my bag and I hit the road. I greeted others in kindness and compassion for our mutual journey and struggles up hills. I drank lots of water. I stopped and meditated in my surroundings, not concerned with those going past at faster speeds than I. I drank more water and ate a small muffin. I heard music and I stopped to sing along as the Guitarist played Stand By Me (Ben E. King). I encouraged myself to keep moving on the hills, but to stop, look around, and look up. I discovered that what I thought were dates were actually almonds. Who knew they grew on trees in green pods? I didn’t, nor did the three French women who showed it to me, explaining in French. I don’t speak French, but we understood each other all the same.
I found an old cistern on the top of a hill and I stopped to meditate again. Maybe someone took my picture, or they were just catching the view. Someone walked by and told me “Namaste”. I continued to meditate and breathe. When I opened my eyes everything was brighter, my sight was clearer. Even the ants on my bag didn’t ruin my day. I wondered why it is that I avoid meditating regularly. Is lack of peace such a comfortable place?
I arrived at my destination and felt as if I had not come far enough today, but I’m learning I must make myself pause, even when my body insists it can go further. I fed, cleaned, and embraced my body for its strength and resilience. I interact with others through smile and greeting, feeling akin. This is a life one cannot find binging netflix in the living room. I do believe this is a life we can find by stepping out our front door. There is no need to travel, though I highly encourage it. Seeing and experiencing other cultures gives us perspectives to grow and love better. I hope and believe that everyone can take their own journey and not only finds new ways to embrace life, but like I have on this trail, find that life is embracing you back.
Tag Archives: Self-Awareness
The Path I’ve Walked
I had a lot of built up anxiety prior to getting on the plane Wednesday morning. This trip was 6 months coming and then it appeared all too quickly. It’s interesting to reflect on the path I’ve walked which led to me walking a literal path in Spain. The mindset I was in when I bought the tickets and how my world changed since, well, it feels like two different worlds.
February 13, 2019 0500 CST
I bought the tickets in a haze of sleeplessness. I was unsettled. The nightmares were creeping in on my periphery. They were alive in my mind without me even closing my eyes. I couldn’t, no wouldn’t, allow myself to sleep. The fear if entering my never ending nightmares spurred me on to practice one tool after another, but nothing calmed them, or me.
I, finally, took my mind back to the Camino de Santiago I did in October 2018. I recalled the smell of the eucalyptus trees, still wet with dew. The quiet of the rail, the only sound was the crunchy of my shoes on the path. Singing in the rain, getting caught, and being asked to keep singing. The sense of freedom and no restrictions. The lack of my story holding me back. This was what I most wanted as I looked at ticket prices.
I hoped to find those same senses by returning to the trail. Last year I used the trail to hold onto through the struggles. On this particular February morning I once again needed something to hold onto, to keep living. I wanted to escape my pain, back to the last place that I felt peace.
After February 13th
It’s not that I don’t have peace in my daily life. I’m just constantly looking for the next danger, the next repeat of my trauma. I’m always on alert. I wish I could better embrace the peace and joy that occurs in my daily life. I also have this wanderlust inside me, and perhaps that makes me restless. I’m great in a crisis or a high adrenaline event, it’s the normal where I begin to fall and fail.
So what changed, what happened since that rough February night, which made it so difficult to actually come on this trip? Just buying the tickets I had felt i found my escape, something to look forward to, hold on to. It wasn’t a foolish choice, it was quite informed of me. I lined my date’s up with when my lease ended. I found a balance in my desire to escape and my life responsibilities. Giving myself this time was important. It offered me the space to process, connect better with others, and make a healthy departure.
For almost as long as I can remember, I have had this unhealthy desire to just up and disappear, to run away from everyone. It often has strong emotional ties to shame, guilt, pain, and other dark emotions. As an adult, I began struggling with thoughts of suicide. Suicide: the ultimate disappearing act. When I think about my struggles it is hardly ever a reflection of others. It is a reflection of how I can’t stand myself, occasionally informed by the opinions of others. The thing is I can’t escape myself anymore than you can escape yourself. So my urge to disappear doesn’t work, I can’t run from myself. That was where the permanence of suicide began to feel attractive.
Luckily, for me, I was born with this little flame in my soul, called HOPE. Sometimes, I am in awe of how strong it is. It keeps me going in the darkest of times. It is what gets me to buy plane tickets so I can walk across Spain. Once the tickets were bought, life started to get a little easier. I had an egress plan. Rule #1 of combat, know your egress points. Okay, maybe not rule #1, but it’s up there for sure. It’s as if I can handle anything as long as there is an escape route.
Funny thing happened though, I made my escape plan and then began to experience a life I didn’t want to escape from. Every day wasn’t perfect, but life felt good. It felt possible. I let myself be more vulnerable. I began to accept the love others kept trying to share with me. I leaned into my art and my dream of building a non-profit. I built deeper relationships with neighbors, coworkers, customers, and friends. Instead of thinking I could go nowhere with my dreams, I just started doing it. It was as if I suddenly had nothing to loose, so why not try. To my surprise, people really supported me! I even met someone special who has made my life even better. It turned out I didn’t need to escape my life. I needed to be embracing it.
So, then I considered not going on this trip at all. I balked at the risk of leaving a good life, finally, a good life. The thing is, I had heard this call to adventure and I accepted it. My current level of comfort at home should not hinder me answering the call and stepping into the unknown. A person won’t grow well unless, from time to time, they face the unknown and seek the new knowledge and wisdom it has in store.
The beauty to this evolution is that I don’t know what I’m walking the Camino for. I am no longer escaping. I’m not appearing, like the last Camino, for myself. They’re is no record breaking, comparing, or competing. I’m simply embracing the unknown by putting one foot in front of the other, and continue to walk.
Tomorrow’s Tide
It feels like it should just be any other night. It isn’t though. Tomorrow the woman takes on a new mountain, or will it end up being a mole hill? She doesn’t know, there are so many unknowns. She comes and goes in life like a ride on the shores. What will become of her in this next chapter of the journey. She is taking a leap of faith, not because she’s running away from something or seeking something. She is taking on this journey to experience herself in a new way. She sits on the porch, staring up at the sky, knowing she’ll see these same stars, only thousands of miles from home. It’s scary, she misses her home already. She misses her people and the life she has stepped back from. She chose this journey because she needed to pause. The woman is afraid that once she’s paused for so long she’ll forget how to get moving again. She yearns to hold calm inside herself and never let go, that is why she’s going to walk and walk and walk. Some fear for her safety, while she fears for her sanity. So she’ll go to be with the earth and nature and herself. She’ll face trials and tribulations. She is likely to face an abyss, a breakdown, a spiritual awakening. She’ll find redemption, forgiveness, and salvation. She’ll return to her known world with new wisdom from around the world. She’s scared, sad, joyous, and excited all at once. She already feels exhausted. Her armor is self-care, connection, and love. She’s resilient and a fighter. She’s a warrior walking into a garden to meditate. The woman will be better than okay. She will thrive through adversity and adventure.
The Journey Continues
Remember 3 Months…
I received the fortune pictured here while out with my coworkers for the monthly Birthday lunch at Bo Ling’s in Kansas City. The food was fine, but this fortune was even more memorable: “Remember three months from this date! Your lucky star is shining.” For 3 months I have had this sitting on my desk, reminding me of the future to come. Every once in a while I would tell my coworkers the date that this fortune should come true and we would imagine what the day would hold. I think my coworkers thought it was a joke at first when I said I was marking my calendar for 3 months from October 11, 2016. They had only known me a month and they rapidly found out that I am a high-spirited very-imaginative free spirit.
As the 3 month date drew closer I kept asking what people thought would happen. At this point I had dressed up as multiple characters for work and randomly brought sweet treats and gifts. We were all hoping for something spectacular to come on January 11, 2017. Secretly in my head I was conspiring to meet the love of my life and get married or come by some windfall that sets me up for my career. I imagined being gifted something exciting or getting a raise. I thought maybe something special would happen at work, or we would find an answer for a client that solved their problems right away.
So I woke up on January 11, 2017 and as I performed my new morning ritual with an extra bounce in my step I applied make-up, which is not often a work day task. I packed my lunch, made my cup of coffee, and made sure I was wearing pants (I may occasionally almost go to work in PJs). I drove to work listening to Tribe by Sebastian Junger, which is quite inspiring. My day started off with clients that are looking to improve their lives and working alongside some coworkers that I think are just fantastic. My AmeriCorps partner was wearing an outfit similar to mine. I only now regret not taking a photo together to show off. I had a lot of things to accomplish today and not too heavy of a schedule. As time went by I accomplished much, but time was going slow. My partner and I did our regular team download and brain storming (aka Coffee Run). We all ate lunch together and problem solved together. We laughed together and we joked about what was so special to come. Our supervisor was out of the office today, but that never makes much difference, so that didn’t seem too special.
As the day wore on the team consensus was that I needed to play the lotto. The thing about that is that I have only ever played the lotto one other time and I was super embarrassed when I had to ask how it worked at the gas station as I bought the ticket. I have always earned my luck, it’s rarely been just handed to me. So my co-workers were kind enough to explain the process and then upon seeing my still confused face they wrote down specifically what I was supposed to ask the gas station attendant for. I said that I would hold the note and read it verbatim. That is exactly what I did.
In addition to the normal work day I trouble shot some travel details for a Team Rubicon Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training that we have coming up soon in Omaha. The task was stressful, but came out perfectly because team work makes the dream work and I love my TRibe. I chatted with a guy on Tinder that seems really nice, funny, and has great eyes! I felt good in my body because it’s Day 11 of not smoking. My apartment is clean, I rode the stationary bike (finally), and I took the time to meditate. I have said my prayers and read some books. I even treated myself to a delicious pizza. I used a new face wash that makes my face feel so soft.
So here I am, 30 minutes till the end of January 11th and I don’t think that as I crawl into bed anything really spectacular or different than usual will occur.
The results for the Power Ball and the Missouri Lotto came out and I did not win at either. The gas station attendant had pointed out that if I had brought the fortune we would use the numbers on the backside. I left the actual slip of paper at my office. Tomorrow, just for fun, I will compare the winning numbers to those on my fortune. I also played a scratcher, and won nothing. What I find all the more amazing is that nothing matched, not a single number, on any of them. I suppose if luck is real and there is a zombie apocalypse I will be the first bitten.
But as I said, I have never just been given luck, I have always worked for it. I am not disappointed however in how today turned out. With the new year I have been dreaming of adventures in foreign places doing new things. This yearning was not fulfilled today, but in looking for my shining star I paid close attention to every aspect of my day. This allowed me to really invest in myself and my actions to try and make every moment the best possible moment. This is the idea behind setting goals, and we just need to believe it with as much imagination as me and my coworkers paid attention to January 11th.
Everyday can be a metaphorical January 11th because we can make it that way. The things I listed that happened today I was able to find great amounts of gratitude for them, knowing that in reality it was unlikely I would win the lotto tonight. I have hope for great things in my life, and you know what? I am going to keep this fortune on my desk and set a note in my calendar for 3 months from today. I don’t think my lucky star will ever stop shining, because I work hard for it, but… just in case… I will “Remember 3 months from today.” I will dream, I will hope, I will imagine, and I will keep making my own luck.
Make your own fortune and mark the calendar. What are you going to hope for? What are you going to work towards to create your own luck? I know you can do it! Good Luck!
Original Post on Medium