It’s so strangely beautiful the way the universe works. There is a synchronization that occurs when we lean in and trust the journey. We can reflect on our past and see the connections that existed to now, even knowing that back then we had no clue. This day 12 years ago I’d been medevac’d from Iraq for a colluded airway, Tonsillitis. I was in the midst of my trauma, struggling to find meaning and connection. I chose to go back to Iraq rather than have my tonsils removed (and go home) and for a long time I held that decision against myself. I’ve since forgiven myself, but not forgotten. Facebook helps me remember and find healing from my trauma. The following “note” from this day 12 years back is no less true today.
Life is full of ups and downs. The struggles are always real from the individuals perspective. We cannot dare to think we can compare or fully understand what another person goes through. Neither the elation of joy and happiness or the sorrow of sadness and fear. I have felt many emotions both those from my shadow and my light. Life is a duality, two things exist at once at all times. Though it is night here it is also day somewhere. Though, right now, my body is in crippling pain and my soul is crying huge tears of sorrow, I know that I will find joy and relief again. I know that these two things coexist inside me.
It has taken years of wandering, searching, listening, learning, and trying to even begin to understand how two opposites co-exist at once. In my original holistic PTSD program, Save a Warrior Cohort 018, they suggested that in my wounds I might find a gift. In my mind I have many images when I think of what this might look like. I’ve a romantic, fantastical imagination. So, when I suggest that we might all find gifts in our wounds I picture a Phoenix rising from the smoldering coals of its’ own death. The ashes remain, yet something new blooms and can live again. It didn’t erase the previous existence but built on top of it.
I have in my wandering been blessed with mentoring 10 different groups of women through another holistic PTSD program, Warriors’ Ascent. I have encouraged them to find the gift in their wound even as my own gift reveals itself in my work with them. It isn’t enough to just pass the gift though. I have to live it myself. I have to give the gift in my wounds to myself. I mention these groups of women though because they too are doing the work, they too are on this journey. I’m not the lone wanderer, others are traveling too.
Daily, as I wander through the various employment, volunteering, creating, and exploring I continue to unwrap the gift in my wounding. There are days like today where the wounding is deep and crippling. My physical injuries take my peace and open the door to my mental wounding. It reminds me of how I’m different, how I must treat myself more gently, and how I have to ask others for help. I struggle to see the gift in this wound. I start to shut down both physically and mentally. I wonder how I’ll make it through the night and the next day and day after that. Less pain feels like a distant memory, let alone no pain which was eons ago. The tears stream down my face, unabashedly. I let them leave trails on my face and I feel my skin tighten as the trails dry. I focus on a sensation that is not my pain and I try to breathe.
One of the things I’ve found in receiving my gift in my wounds is that I cannot stop the feeling. I cannot numb that which is unpleasing to me. If I sent this shadow self then I will inevitably deny my light self. It is the same when I let this shadow-self run rampant it will overrun my light. Finding the gift in the wound is the first step to finding balance after and through wounding.
I want to deny that this physical pain has a gift. I rail against it, full if venom and curse words. I am tempted to sink deeper into it, to give everything I’ve accomplished and strived for up, to live in darkness. This seems ridiculous to those whose darkness and wounding doesn’t have such a hold on them. I however have lived inside my darkness for a long time now, for a long time I couldn’t see the light at all. I find an odd comfort in my pain. It is the feeling I know the best some days. If I’m going to be honest though, being able to write is my gift in the wound. It is the gift I give myself to put all of this pain and suffering into something more than just my body. It is a gift I hope I can give to others who struggle like I do. I don’t know what other gift these wounds might give me, but I will keep wandering. I will keep searching for the value, the purpose, for the next chapter of my life. In the meantime I’ll put into play all the many things I must do to care for myself. I have to force myself, but I will keep trying, because if I’m trying, I’m succeeding.
So if you too find yourself wounded and struggling I hope you can find a gift in it to give yourself. However begrudgingly you may also feel towards it. I know it exists because I have found gifts in other wounds. If not for the gifts I’ve found I would be dead. Take the journey, allow yourself to wander and search out the gifts in your wounds.
I am a woman. A woman who has lived in a mans world for my whole life. When I matured to adulthood I went straight into a field of work that did not have a long history of allowing women, and was still restricted for women in many areas. I sometimes find myself giving the military full credit for the fact that as a woman I feel that I am often under qualified, potentially less than in a crowd of people, and do not speak these words. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I need to give our society at large credit, including the military, for the words that I don’t speak.
I dare not tell you these words, because you will likely call me sensitive. I dare not speak these words because then I will be labeled a drama queen. I dare not share these words for fear of being considered a bitch.
I find that as I reconnect with my wild woman intuition, and find the me that I want to be, I still do not speak these words enough. My words are spoken in small huddles of people, mostly women, that I am close to. They are women who nod their heads, eager to also say the words that they do not speak. We look at stories from our lives to try and understand why we do not speak these words out loud in a group. Even in groups where everything else is safe to say, we do not speak these words.
Fear grips us when we think about the need to shift around a subject or a person for fear of needing to speak the words we do not speak. We speak individually of these things with men who have a special place for us, but we still have fear in our hearts that they will still label or reject us, because it happens. We also do not select just any woman to speak these words with, for as women we have been taught the danger of other women as well. It is difficult because we also know for those we are close with, that their love knows no bounds, but they have also been raised in a society that does not desire us to speak these words and so does not understand us.
I want to tell you these words that I do not speak, but I feel I need to let you in on some other things before you hear the words. I want you to understand that the words I don’t speak should be spoken. That when they are spoken, it is not meant to demean anyone, myself or the person I say them to. It is not meant to offend, cause harm, or cause emotional pain. It does not mean that I don’t like you, love you, or care for you. If it does, then you need to process it, and not put that back on me. Just as we work to teach our children boundaries, I am working to teach myself boundaries. These are words that should be said without hesitation or fear.
Before I tell you these words think back to elementary school days. I recall (and many of you may also) not being allowed to bring birthday party invitations to class, unless I was inviting everyone. I think about this story and I think about what doing that potentially teaches our children. That in group environments, everyone is expected to be just as involved as everyone else or it doesn’t happen. In group environments I am not supposed to set my boundaries with those that I am not close to, for fear of hurting their feelings. In group environments it is better to keep the waters calm, rather than speak the words I need to speak.
So there are words that I do not speak for fear of many things.
I don’t want to be touched right now. No hugs today. No hugs for you. Do not step that close to me. I do not want to talk. Stop. No. I am not interested. I do not want to sit by you. I need space. I need to be alone. I need to slow down for a minute. I need to not rush into things. I want to slow down. I want to not rush things. I know what I need. I am not fine, but I will be okay. Stop. No. I don’t want to. I am not going to. I want space. Leave me alone. I know what I am talking about. Listen to me.
There are many reasons for speaking these words and mostly they have to do with me and my boundaries. I should not fear using these words to set my boundaries. I should not fear social criticism for saying No or don’t touch me. I should not wait until I finally explode with emotion and say these words. No one, male or female, should ever have to live in fear of saying these words in a group or alone. It is not okay. I am not interested in excuses. It does not matter who the person is I am saying them to. What matters is that I am saying them, and the words I say should be honored. I may not say them to everyone in a group, but I shouldn’t be forced to treat everyone with the same level of intimacy that I treat those I am close to.
If I behave in a way that describes these words, then that should also be honored. I should not be forced to say many of these words. A lot of this has to do with not assuming things about a person. It is about respecting them. The saying is not “do unto others as you wish done unto yourself” it is “do unto others as THEY wish done unto themselves.” It is okay to ask permission before touching a person, to have direct conversations about if something is okay or not, if it makes them comfortable or not. Maybe I don’t want to be hugged today even if you hug me every other time, but I should feel that telling you that is not going to damage our relationship. The next step is to let it be, accept the answer, stop asking the questions over and over. I trust you will tell me if you need something, give the same trust to me.
There are many things I have been taught about being a woman, and though I see signs that our society is changing, I am still struggling to change. Many of these are a habit for me. A habit from living in a world where I am expected and told to have a thicker skin or not cry. A habit formed from being called a bitch instead of a leader. A habit formed from being called a prude instead of someone with good boundaries. A habit formed from being taught that kindness and smiling meant I was a whore. From a young age I was taught some things about how to act in society, but they were solidified while in the service.
It’s time we make it normal to speak the words that we do not speak. It is time for those we speak them to, to encourage our actions, and to accept the words we say without excuses. These are the words I don’t easily speak, but I am working to say them because I am important and so are my boundaries. I am not going to stay quiet anymore and I will not allow anyone to call me names. Help me stop making these words so easy to not speak.
One of my tattoos: Ancient Greek, ἀγάπη, agápē, The highest form of love, loving for no other reason than it is right and good to do so.
I am a fan of hashtags. One recent one is #Chooselovenothate. This is my response to the pain I see on social media and in the world around me. I look back at my life and am so thankful that I have found the ability to love in a way that is more than seems humanly possible, but in a world so full of hate, how do we choose love?
Think about someone you are close with that once got angry or mean in a really stressful time. It is understandable that when we are stressed or scared we start to protect ourselves and this comes out as anger or meanness, especially when it is a friend or family member. I had a wise friend once tell me that fear and sadness are the root of anger. I reflected on the anger that I hold within me, and I found this to be true. These are the two reasons why today I became very angry at people that I love very much, not because of who they are, but because of the fear and sadness I had within me.
A lot of my anger stems from my issues in the military. I was taught to fear situations that many who have not walked in my shoes would think are rather uneventful. I am very sad, still to this day and maybe forever, because I live in a world that has left its scars. It’s like a cold and warm front smashing in to each other in my head and anger erupts. There are scars everywhere in the lives of each person, some are deeper than others. Still, how in a world that appears so full of hate, how do we choose love?
Think again about the person who you are close with and that you know they were just having a bad day and trying to protect themselves. Imagine that every person in this world who shows anger, hate, dislike, or is mean is merely trying to protect themselves because they have a fear front that clashed with a sadness front.
Step 1: Remember that each person is dealing with a story inside themselves that we may not be allowed to read.
They are struggling with fears that may or may not be warranted. They may fear something they do not understand, don’t agree with, or that is terribly different from who they are. They may be very sad that they are confused, don’t understand, or do not agree with a situation. Maybe their pride, guilt, or shame gets thrown into the midst. Maybe they have a whole story going on inside them that you or I will never be able to understand. I said it twice for a reason.
Fear, Sadness, Anger, Pride, Guilt, Shame are all normal emotions. Just in case you didn’t hear, they are NORMAL emotions. It is when we allow them to take control that we start to spiral out of control and they become beasts that overwhelm us and cause us to behave in ways that hurt ourselves and others. They say misery loves company, and I only use this old quote because if you think about it, it is really true, about so many different emotions. Misery just happened to get the copyright on it.
Now think of yourself in a moment where you were angry or lashed out at people around you. Afterwards, did you think about it?
I imagine my inner voice when I create.
If you thought about it, did you wish you could have done something different? When I am angry, hateful, spiteful, or just plain mean I hear a voice deep in my heart and soul that is crying for me. For a long time in my life I didn’t care, I never heard this voice. As I began to reconnect with who I wanted to be in life I found that there was this voice hiding behind the shadows in my life. Some people call it a conscience, intuition, angel’s voice, or many other things, I just call her my Wild Woman. Once I started listening to what was going on inside me, I could not turn back.
Step Two: Start listening to the voice inside yourself that says positive things, and encourages love and happiness.
This means you have to start listening to yourself. It looks different for different people. Some people pray because the voice in themselves is God. Some people meditate in order to clear the mind. Some journal or create in order to understand themselves. You have to understand your own emotions in order to better understand others. It’s a practice, not a perfection, by the way. It also looks like whatever it looks like for you. Try different things to begin understanding your own emotions.
You won’t always like what you are hearing, but remind yourself that you are in control over what is going on inside you.
Top left Emotion: Terrified. Center Left Emotion: I got this. Bottom Left Emotion: Wait!?!?! I’m doing what? Right Emotion: I got this, I control me!
The story that you may not share, is that story that you can control. You can throw it out, you can hold on to it, or you can take it and develop it into something more to be who you want to be. You see my last post? I didn’t let the darkness beat me, I found my voice. So can you! Take a leap of faith with me, you won’t even have to be on a 30ish foot pole like I was in this photo collage!
Step Three: Now that you are listening to yourself, tell yourself that you love you.
We are better equipped to love others when we love ourselves. Often anger and hate have little to do with the issue or with the person we lash out at, it has to do with us being unhappy with ourselves. Daily I practice this step, because it is really hard, and I don’t always remember I love myself. The great thing is that we have this Prefrontal Cortex that offers us reasoning (this can be altered in someone with PTSD or brain trauma, but dealing with that is a blog for a different day, maybe next week). So we can logically reason that since we feed, clothe, and provide sleep to our bodies that we actually do love ourselves, even if our emotions don’t jive with the statement. So use that reasoning and tell yourself that you love yourself. In the way that is right because you deserve to be loved, even if maybe you don’t like everything about yourself, you can still love yourself. So say it, go ahead, I’ll wait…
I’m waiting, just like this, right now, I promise. Go on, say you love yourself!
Step Four: Take that love you are practicing on yourself and practice it on others.
This means that you tell yourself you love other people, especially if they are making you want to lash out or are different from you, or make a mistake. You chose to read this article, you chose to pause and tell yourself you love yourself (or you chose not too and rolled your eyes instead!?!?), and you can choose to show love to others. In your head as you internally roll your eyes, remind yourself that you want to live in a world where you are loved no matter what. In order to live in a world like this you must give this love. When you are angry, people get angry back. When you show hate, you are shown hate in return. When you raise your voice the response is in a raised voice also. When you show love, you receive love.When you more easily forgive, you are more easily forgiven.
I have heard the argument that it is not easy to do, or that you can’t choose your emotions or sometimes even your behavior, but I will tell you right now… STOP. Stop telling yourself what you are not able to do anything. Stop being negative about your own abilities. I can sit here and I can tell you these four, seemingly simple steps, because I know that it is not easy at all and I know that it is not impossible. Some people practice a musical instrument, a fitness routine, or some other skill until they become the best that they want or can be. You probably have a practice that you have been practicing your whole life. So why not start this one too?
Step Five: Repeat as Needed
At the core of each of us we want to be loved. This means loving others and loving ourselves. For some this comes easily, for some it comes hard, and for some of us we get lost in between and wander in our shadow. When we are stuck in our shadow and our own story we have a hard time seeing the light and the love that comes with it. Those who want to live in the shadows, they can’t see through it. If you made it this far, then know that you can and will succeed at this. Stories now and forever ago confirm that love is the greatest of all emotions and values in life. You have to journey to get there. I still am, and even on days like today that I want to lash out, instead, I write and create and tell myself I love myself and I love others too much to choose hate. So today I choose love not hate. Will you join me in practicing? Will you choose love not hate?
The Marines have a Rifleman’s Creed that starts “This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine.” My parody is “This is my PTSD. There are many like it, but this one is mine.” I have PTSD, and it doesn’t look like yours, or yours, or yours.
2012 Navy Operational Support Center Denver receiving my second Navy and Marine Corp Achievement Medal
I’m a Navy veteran who has 11 years in the Navy Reserves with two tours under my belt, Iraq and Afghanistan. When I came back from Iraq in 2010, I was not the same person who left a full year before. During my tour, I was not blown up and I didn’t take or give direct fire. So despite having symptoms of mental health issues, I did not seek assistance, because I didn’t feel worthy or that my case was as serious as others. In almost seven years, I learned I was wrong, but I needed to journey to find that answer.
In training for Iraq and while in country, I learned how horrible we can be to one another in the service. I learned when there is nothing else to do, sex or talking about sex is the answer. General Order Number 1 be damned. I had a chief come on to me during training, and when something happened with another female, it turned into an investigation. I was dragged through meeting after meeting with JAG (Judge Advocate General of the Navy), missing important training, all to try and tear my story apart. His charges went nowhere. Privacy is not easy to find in the military, and neither is confidentiality as I learned during this time. It set a tone for my whole deployment.
This was the one job I sat at a desk for in Camp Bucca, Iraq, 2009
It was like living in the worst MTV high school drama you can imagine, where you are the girl that is called “the whore.” Portable toilets were used to share rumors about the females, myself included. I was approached for relationships a lot. This may seem flattering to some, but for me it was overwhelming. I was, and still am, a rule follower. I also was not the popular girl with boys back home, but here I was getting propositioned all the time. I will admit I was not a saint, and I often played along just to try and fit in. It was the world we lived in, I was just trying to survive. Those who I thought were my friends would make excuses and apologies to me for joining in the mocking and gossip about me. I compensated by just trying to play the game.
A few months into being in Iraq, I got really sick with Tonsillitis that was misdiagnosed by the clinic providers. It was a horrible experience. I sought medical treatment only to be turned away and got sicker. Finally, they couldn’t deny my symptoms. They were concerned for my airway, so I got Medevac’d to Germany to get help. During this time my command didn’t check on me, they didn’t stay in touch. A few of my shipmates reached out and told me the rumors that were circulating; I was pregnant by a detainee or local, I had given an STD to a bunch of people, I had gone crazy and pulled a gun on someone. Despite these rumors, I felt the need to prove myself and so turned down the tonsillectomy in order to go back down range with my command. I proved nothing to anyone, but was able to give them more room to create more rumors as to why I was allowed to go back. I was moved from one position to another after that, but something had broken inside of me. I started to isolate and consider how to get out of there. I did not have a good support system in my command and heard about rumors from all levels of the chain of command. There were a few core people left by the last few months of my tour who were the only reason I made it through. We drank Amp, chain-smoked cigarettes, and sang karaoke to get through. None of us could stand that we were still there, but we were fighters, strong women, and we finished the tour and made it home.
Saddam’s Palace at Victory Base in Iraq, 2009
Upon returning home I was different, I continued to isolate myself. I had a hard time trusting even those who I was close to before. Life had really changed in a year for everyone, not just me, and I didn’t know where I fit. This took all of the issues I had in Iraq and compounded them. I couldn’t trust, my health was a risk, and all men were a risk to me. I compensated for a while and through my second tour to Afghanistan, until I couldn’t compensate anymore.
The thing I learned about mental health is that our bodies are incredibly strong and work really hard to compensate and overcome, but at some point, the compensation factor fails from exhaustion. It took until 2013 to finally break down and acknowledge I had issues. I didn’t do it alone though. My civilian employers cared about me, and after my Afghanistan tour, took the time to alert me and give me a chance. I ended up leaving that job and going home to my parents, to grieve and to try to find a new start.
Continuing to serve in a new way has changed the meaning of my life. Operation Steam Wagon, Beaver Crossing, NE May 2014.
People everywhere suffer trauma’s, but together we can overcome and build a new stronger life.
I happened upon several veteran organizations during my multiple breakdowns and they have made a huge difference in my PTSD journey. Within these organizations I have met a multitude of people from different walks of life, both veteran and civilian. It is this collective of people that have provided me insight into how to best reintegrate and also how to cope and manage my PTSD. Without the volunteering opportunities I have had and the wonderful people who have supported me in my journey to good mental health, I don’t know where I would be today. Some organizations have offered me the ability to continue being of service to my community and our entire country. Others have provided me the support and lessons to set boundaries, practice holistic methods of managing symptoms, and allowed me to give myself permission to let go, heal, and move on.
I have stared the possibility of suicide in the face and been able to turn my back on it. I have heard stories of trauma from veterans and non-veterans a like. I have felt love and support in my times of struggle and when I trigger. When I fall on the floor, unable to get up, someone is always there to listen and to give me a hand up. I have learned that there are good men and women who have my back and are not a risk to me. I learned to trust again and what quality leadership looks like. I have learned how to live with a future in sight, and not just day by day.
Being a part of integrated organizations has allowed me to truly move past the labels of being a veteran with PTSD, MST, Anxiety and Panic Attacks and Depression. I can see now that trauma happens to people in all walks of life, and it is not my place to compare my own struggles and trauma with those of others. It allows for me to hold solidarity with everyone I interact with, honoring each person’s journey as unique and important. I hope that they each do the same for me, it is my hope as I share my vulnerability and my struggle with you, here. I may live with my PTSD the rest of my life, but I have found tools to help me remove triggers or manage them. I will continue to overcome with the help from my providers, my community, and those that are closer than family.
I took a literal and metaphorical leap of faith as part of my healing process.
I am working to move past my symptoms and diagnosis.The largest lesson I learned is we have to stop comparing ourselves to others when we are having mental health issues, especially PTSD, whether we are veteran or not. We have to find ways to take our crisis by the horns and search for our own individual answers with help from our communities and from professionals. We cannot give up hope to a four-letter acronym that tries to define us and compare us to others. We cannot let stigma and the feeling of shame overtake us in our hour of struggle. PTSD is survivable, it is something that we can take control back from. It just takes time and it feels terribly hard, but there are answers for us. There is strength in our weaknesses and answers in the darkness that help us find the light. We can find a way to feed the positive side of ourselves. We can practice things like meditation, mindfulness, yoga, healthy eating, working out, journaling, painting, talking, and even writing blog posts to normalize the fact that shit happens in life, but it doesn’t get to take over us. This is my PTSD. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
I dare not tell you these words, because you will likely call me sensitive. I dare not speak these words because then I will be labeled a drama queen. I dare not share these words for fear of being considered a bitch.
If I behave in a way that describes these words, then that should also be honored. I should not be forced to say many of these words. A lot of this has to do with not assuming things about a person. It is about respecting them. The saying is not “do unto others as you wish done unto yourself” it is “do unto others as THEY wish done unto themselves.” It is okay to ask permission before touching a person, to have direct conversations about if something is okay or not, if it makes them comfortable or not. Maybe I don’t want to be hugged today even if you hug me every other time, but I should feel that telling you that is not going to damage our relationship. The next step is to let it be, accept the answer, stop asking the questions over and over. I trust you will tell me if you need something, give the same trust to me.
