A few months ago I had my 31,642nd breakdown (actual number may vary), while climbing into an MRI machine at the KCVA for what felt like the millionth time. They stopped the scan, pulled me out of the machine, and handed me tissues. I told them that I was only there because I’m a good little sailor and the doctors wanted it. The thing the tech said next sticks with me, “You’re not in the military anymore, no one can give you orders, only do this if you want to.” It’s amazing how this one sentence helps me deal with thoughts of suicide, when no one answers the phone.

I really, really, really fucking care that people are killing themselves. Yes, three really’s were necessary. I care so much because I have found a life that I love, despite struggles with suicide, and I want others to find hope and a life they love. Sometimes I care so much because it’s a little selfish. If there aren’t people that care this much then how do I justify continuing to live through the darkness that comes over me. I wonder if life is worth it when people suicide. I pick up my phone and I reach out to so many people, looking for someone to hold my hand or just listen to me cry. I try to vary the individuals that I reach out to, because I don’t want them to give up on me when I give up on myself. More often than not I get loving texts telling me they are unavailable, but give many fucks about me. They say I love you, I miss you, I want to see you soon. I reread the texts over and over thinking about seeing them soon, or hearing their voice. I wonder, what do I do? What do I do when no one answers the phone? When it feels so dark and so alone and I can’t seem to contact a person who is available or no one answers my calls… what then?

I have to remember that I am not in the military anymore, so I get to make my own decisions. Whether you were ever military, still are, or never were, just know; you get to make your own decisions too. Having thoughts of suicide is not unusual, more people than you think deal with them, including myself. You get to make decisions for yourself, so if you are thinking of options to deal with your thoughts, before choosing suicide, here are some alternatives to try:

What do I do when no one answers, and I’m at the end of my rope?

I could call 911 on myself

This seems an unlikely decision, but if I don’t know that I can live through the next 5 minutes and the 5 after that and so on, then I should pick up the phone and call. If I can safely navigate to an emergency facility, that is also an option. Likely though, if I’m in a dark place, I shouldn’t drive a car. I shouldn’t be alone if I worry that I can’t trust myself to make life-saving decisions. If I already have a plan I should also not be by myself to go through with that plan, so I can call for emergency help.

I could call the National Suicide Hotline and talk to someone

Calling a hotline is a pretty safe anonymous thing. If you don’t desire to go to a facility or call 911, then these are the people to call. They will help you find other ways to go. They will listen, really listen, as you share what is going on and what you desire for yourself. Use the information in this poster to contact them.

I can put down the drugs and alcohol

Using substances that alter your body chemistry may seem like a great idea, but it doesn’t help you have peace of mind and make decisions that are healthy for you. If you can’t stop, then go to a hospital to get help to stop. They have options to help you come down off of a substance safely. If the easiest way to stop is to lay down and go to sleep, try that. I stopped drinking for a whole year of my life because it was my go to cure, it was not an answer. It was terribly hard, but now if I am struggling I work really hard to not drink as a crutch. I got help and relearned how to manage my life and alcohol, instead of it managing me.

I could take a shower

Showers are a great way to calm down the body and the soul. It also helps you get ready to go to sleep. Some people say that eating an orange in the shower is an enlightening experience, maybe this is a chance to try that. If an orange isn’t available, maybe a banana or some celery and peanut butter. Maybe your thing is a bath with the computer propped on the toilet playing Mad Men on Netflix. I like to brush my teeth and then shower to calm down. Finding routine activities to care for yourself can help your mind and soul feel more at ease, as well as your body.

I could eat something

Have you eaten today? I often find that when I am struggling with thoughts of suicide if I eat something it helps regulate my body. You would be surprised how many times when I am struggling emotionally it is correlated with a lack of food in my system. Even if you think it won’t help, what’s the harm of cleaning all the potato chips out of the cupboard?

I could drink a glass of water

Last fall I was having a really rough go of things and I called a friend in panic because I thought I would do something stupid instead of facing the stressful Annual Training I had starting the next day. She was patient and kind and said “When did you last drink a glass of water?” I didn’t know. She said “Go drink a glass of water, the full thing. Don’t chug it, just drink it. When it’s gone, call me back.” I found this suggestion extremely helpful. It calmed my breathing and I was able to refocus myself on doing other ideas on this list. I didn’t call her, she got a text instead, telling her I was doing better and what my next steps were to stay safe.

I could create

Often when I am at the end of my rope I start drawing, painting, writing, or whatever creative thing fulfills my need to release the pressure built up inside me. Maybe you play music, sing along with the radio, or like to rearrange your furniture. Find a way to express yourself that also shows kindness to yourself. If you don’t like it the next day, chuck it, hide it, whatever works.

I could workout

Working out could change the chemistry going on in my body and help ease my mental discomfort. Certainly, it can be distracting with some loud rock music blaring in my ears as I beat the shit out of my stationary bike or exercise ball (yeah, my workout equipment is LAME). You could go for a walk, or a run if you are in a safe neighborhood too. I am also a big fan of doing yoga off of YouTube to help find some semblance of gravity in my moments that I am ready to float away forever. Do you want to borrow my Insanity DVDs? They truly define insane… and are practically brand new!

I could try meditation or mindfulness

I also love YouTube for this one. Or one of many apps, Headspace and Insight Timer are two that I have heard a lot about lately. Look for videos or podcasts on meditation or mindfulness. This one is unique and I have some friends who get a good kick out of it: F*ck That, An Honest Meditation. There are also more serious ones out there that can help with any number of emotions or getting to sleep.

I could go to sleep

If you go back and read my first blog on medium you can understand a small picture of what I went through on my first tour overseas. One of the things I contribute to making it through that deployment was the idea that if I go to sleep then maybe tomorrow I will wake up and it will all be different. Every night, every time I thought of doing something stupid, I would tell myself this and I would crawl into bed. The next day it was often the same shitty thing in the same shitty place. One day I woke up and they said I could go home finally. Even after I came home my adjustment was rough. I would do the same thing, just go to sleep, and have hope that tomorrow would bring new things. What I can tell you is it doesn’t cure the issues to just go to sleep, but it does allow your body and mind rest so tomorrow you can do something different to change your life.

Hope for tomorrow

Sometimes you can only plan for a second or 5 minutes at a time, sometimes you can only hope for tomorrow. That’s okay, because tomorrow you can find new resources to help you further. You’ve drank a big glass of water, you’ve eaten some food, you’ve showered, you’ve called for help, and you’ve cared for yourself by reading this blog and trying some of the things listed. It doesn’t matter if you still have thoughts, but I hope that you have found hope for tomorrow. Tomorrow you can find a mental health provider to help you or a program that can provide new opportunities to be you.

Take this opportunity to make a decision for yourself. One that is kind to yourself, and shows love, even if you don’t feel it right now. Know I’m loving you. If you’re stuck, reach out, even to me… this cheesy but serious blog writer. I love you and I don’t even know you yet, please stay here with me.

❤ Vic