Tag Archives: Community

We’re All Just Stories in the End

Several times this week I’ve found myself thinking “If only others could read this blog I’m writing in my head, they’d be inspired!” So here I am, taking myself back to the blog to take things out of my head, and maybe… just maybe… inspire others.

The Strip, Las Vegas, NV

When I last left you I was telling the story of my wandering across Spain on the Camino de Santiago, almost 2 years ago. A lot has happened in that time. I now find myself in Las Vegas, a place I would’ve preferred to never return. It brings back the week after my miscarriage, drunken and grieving on the very steps I’m sitting on now, 8 years ago. This time I’m here for growth, for learning, for connecting.

I’m attending a conference where the courses I’m taking focus on leadership, team building, and strategy. I’m still a wanderer, but now I wander the stories of those in close proximity to me. I wander the lives of those struggling to survive, hoping to impart wisdom and able to impart financial assistance. It’s a role that empowers my inner wild woman, while simultaneously being wrought with struggle and anxiety. This is the culmination of years of wandering and hearing the stories of others.

We are, after all, just stories in the end. A series of short stories, chaotic chapters, and lengthy novels. The journey to wander is the longest inside us.

1 of 14 Life Labyrith “Seek”

We are, inside each of us, a winding labyrinth that continues to move through ourselves over and over, developing the next step. If you’ve been lucky enough to buy one of this series you know that you’re endlessly connected to the others, known and unknown, who have also purchased one of these pieces.

People watching is almost as interesting as hearing their stories. So here I sit in vegas, wondering about all of the many stories I watch walk past. The Indian gal who picked up a diaper from the path to throw it away. The couples dressed to the nines, gorgeous and grand. The families and couples. The mother and daughter signing words to each other. So many stories untold to me, but lived every day.

I want to put up a sign that says “Tell me a story” and see who stops. On the Camino we were always telling our stories to each other. As a leader I hear the stories of my team and of the households they help. I have my own story, so often untold, until a kindred spirit insisted. I’m a human body full of so many stories, my own and others. Many get locked deep in a chest to respect and honor the storyteller. Many I get to pass on in tidbits of wisdom shared by others. Many are stories of how I’ve encountered my own wisdom.

This conference has such a focus on taking time to hear the stories of those in our agencies. They talk about development, about GROWTH, and how that means we can’t one-size fits all our leadership. It may seem easier to project my own motivations, desires, and needs on others… but easier is not connective, healing, “agape” love.

So I’ve wandered into a new space of introspection and extrospection. I watch people in the world around me a little closer. I make eye contact with love in my eyes and if I’m lucky enough to have someone impart their story on me… well I try my hardest to love them, see them, and honor them.

After all, we’re all just stories in the end, and stories are beautiful.

Buen Camino, Good Afternoon – Day 2

I don’t think there will be enough pages in this journal to tell my whole story. Apparently on paper I am as wordy as in person, maybe to make up for the lack of human interaction yesterday. At dinner last night no one spoke enough English, it just added to my exhaustion.

So today I didn’t make myself get up early. I set my alarm for 7:00 a.m. and when it went off I was the only one left. I took my time getting ready, repacking, eating breakfast, and doing foot care. I was going 15 km (11ish miles) and was fine talking all day. I hit the trail and met with Rosa and Empara again. They had stayed in Roncesvalles and received a blessing at mass. They passed it on to me through a hug. My feet were feeling a bit better thanks to my panaway oil. I was moving slow though, so they went on head of me. I was walking and enjoying the last coolness of the day when I heard an Australian accent behind me, it was Alice. I had met her the previous day, but then forgotten in my exhaustion. She was chatting with an American from California, Jack. Allen, Canadian, and Izzy, British, came along shortly and we made an interesting group of native English speakers. The fun thing about traveling in a group of many strangers is that at different points we would fall into different walking groups. The trail didn’t really allow for us to walk side by side all the time. It allowed us to have individual conversations and get to know each other based on mutual interests. It’s a good reminder that not everyone will always be interested in ever topic, and that is okay! It was interesting conversation within the group. It was interesting to get to know more about the respective locations they each live in. We all came from different backgrounds, but still felt connected because of our mutual desire to walk the Camino.

Back home, Jack, had worked for a poitician as an aid. Allen drives a Ferry Boat in Vancouver. Izzy was working for an NGO. Alice is currently in between positions. It is interesting the diverse work backgrounds we come from, in addition to the diverse countries and cultures. We discussed all kinds of life situations. I shared about my time in the military. So far I hadn’t mentioned my veteran status to anyone on the trail. I also hadn’t interacted at any length with too many people. I felt awkward and like it was inappropriate to identify myself as a veteran. This sensation came from my uncertainty about the response that individuals around the world have towards veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan War. Through discussing NGO’s, I brought up Team Rubicon and how it is in the USA, UK, Canada, Australia, and continuing to grow. This led to identifying as a veteran which led to discussion about my time during the wars and in the military. They were sensitive to how I felt discussing it, but I told them what I most often say. “It’s never easy, but I feel it’s valuable to discuss it in order to destigmatize it.” Most often when I say this I mean it. This time though, something inside of me felt like a robot. I think the nature of this pilgrimage has had me on edge. The emotions are moving to the surface. Eventually the subject changed naturally and I was glad to move on. Also at one point I literaly found 20 Euro.

Despite the physical pain from yesterdays walk, I made great time. It helps to walk with other people because my stride just naturally matched theirs. They were moving quite fast, but as long as we were talking I didn’t feel it. When we reached the bridge that crossed into Zubiri we all sat down, exhausted. I took my shoes and socks off and was so blissful to be barefoot. Only a portion of the group planned to stop in Zubiri. At that point we kind of parted ways, because I was not yet ready to stand up and go look for the room I had booked. The others hadn’t booked ahead like me, so they went off to search for their own bed in an Albergue that wasn’t full yet. It was still early in the afternoon, about 1pm, so there was a lot of time to fill our days. The day had grown quite hot, typical for early August in Spain. Upon crossing the old roman bridge that led into the town the evidence of an ongoing festival laid before me. Many of the establighments were closed not only because it’s Sunday, but also because of the festival. The square had families with children, just lounging. The kids were wearing these human size puppet costumes and running around. The costumes reminded me of a life sized Punch and Judy show.

The Albergue I stayed at was a small space for eight people in four bunk beds, located just off the square called Albergue Zaldiko. Today was the first day of laundry, seeing as I only have two changes of clothes. I thought I would use the washer in my Albergue, but it was 6 Euro for the wash and no dryer. Lots of people were coming into the Albergue and I had yet to each lunch, so I made my escape from the crowded space. Just down the block was an open bar that appeared filled with Pilgrims. I figured that was as good a shot and I didn’t have to hunt another option down. Upon entering the bar I ran into the French girl I met yesterday coming down the mountain. You remember, the one I yelled “Because I’m Dumb!” at? Well she didn’t hold my outburst against me and invited me to sit down with her and eat lunch. We had great conversation over mediocre food serve with french fries. She had started her Camino further back in France on one of the French routes to Saint Jean. For her this was a very religious experience and important to her spiritual well being. It was really delightful to hear her perspective of the Camino and what it was like on the trail in France. The trails before Saint Jean do not have the solid infrastructure available on the “official” path that we are currently walking. She had to be more clever and connect with the churches to find places to stay.

She was not planning to stay in Zubiri, but continue on that night. However, by the time we finished eating it was 3pm and she decided that maybe she would look for a room. We checked at my Albergue, but they were full up except for a more expensive private room. She opted to search for a more affordable option. Most Pilgrims are on a very strict budget, so ideally a bet can be booked for 10 Euro or less. We agreed to meet in an hour and go to the river together. During our lunch I had mentioned that I needed to do laundry and wondered if she wanted to go in on the machine together. She told me about how the “Pilgrims Way” is to wash the clothing by hand in the sink and hang it to dry. I know how to do this, but I worry that I won’t get my clothes clean. After she went to find a bed for the night and wash her own laundry. I saw other people washing their clothes in the sink and decided to try my best and see how it went. I got water everywhere, but the clothes got washed (or at least a solid rinse). While I was doing laundry there was a giant parade outside to go along with the town festivities.

By the time I had finished my laundry everything had calmed back down. I opted to go sit in the shade and pluck on the Ukelele I brought with me. I don’t often get shy about things, but with the Ukelele I was very shy. I don’t have a good grasp on it, and so my nerves go up when I try playing around others. The street wasn’t busy, so I figured this was a good time to try it out. I lost myself in playing, just like I had by the river in Bayonne. There is just something about strumming the ukelele that calms my soul. A Camino cyclist came by and smiled at me playing, his smile touched his eyes. It made me glad I had decided to play. His kindness gave me courage. I had really debated bringing this extra weight with me, but today Iam grateful for the extra weight.

Alice came by and chatted with me while I was waiting for the French Girl. She said she had seen her at the other albergue washing laundry. Alice invited me to the river, but I said we would catch up and I would wait for the French Girl. Despite an hour long lunch together, I do not yet know the French Girls name, which is why I keep calling her “the French Girl.” Maybe I had learned it and forgotten it. It’s only been two days, but I feel like I have been on the trail for forever. I was determined to suck up any potential embarassment and ask her name. I knew I was likely going to have to do this a lot on the trail, so I my as well start now.

Her name is Cecilia, Ceci. We went to the river, but couldn’t find Alice. We did find some rocks we could sit in with our feet in the water. Even though today was much shorter than yesterday, my feet were still beaten and hurting. The water was an elixir of life for my poor feet. Ceci and I sat there, soaking our feet, and talked about all kinds of things. The political struggle, negative beliefs of our respective societies on others, religion, how we each experience the world, and she taught me some French things about Love. She said that I am right in thinking that the French are experts in love. She encouraged me to play my ukelele for a while and while this was happening, and young spanish boy came up and started to squirt me with his water gun. He didn’t speak english, but he did speak French. So between my spanish and Ceci’s French we had a fun conversation with him. We followed our river time up with an early dinner at 6pm. I mean early by European standards. It was an enjoyable evening and now I shall go to sleep, feeling connected.

This ends Day 2 on the trail, 13.5 miles per my phone and 15km per my guide.

The Path I’ve Walked

Original drawing – VAY Designs

I had a lot of built up anxiety prior to getting on the plane Wednesday morning. This trip was 6 months coming and then it appeared all too quickly. It’s interesting to reflect on the path I’ve walked which led to me walking a literal path in Spain. The mindset I was in when I bought the tickets and how my world changed since, well, it feels like two different worlds.

February 13, 2019 0500 CST

I bought the tickets in a haze of sleeplessness. I was unsettled. The nightmares were creeping in on my periphery. They were alive in my mind without me even closing my eyes. I couldn’t, no wouldn’t, allow myself to sleep. The fear if entering my never ending nightmares spurred me on to practice one tool after another, but nothing calmed them, or me.

Trail on the Camino de Santiago Frances

I, finally, took my mind back to the Camino de Santiago I did in October 2018. I recalled the smell of the eucalyptus trees, still wet with dew. The quiet of the rail, the only sound was the crunchy of my shoes on the path. Singing in the rain, getting caught, and being asked to keep singing. The sense of freedom and no restrictions. The lack of my story holding me back. This was what I most wanted as I looked at ticket prices.
I hoped to find those same senses by returning to the trail. Last year I used the trail to hold onto through the struggles. On this particular February morning I once again needed something to hold onto, to keep living. I wanted to escape my pain, back to the last place that I felt peace.

After February 13th

It’s not that I don’t have peace in my daily life. I’m just constantly looking for the next danger, the next repeat of my trauma. I’m always on alert. I wish I could better embrace the peace and joy that occurs in my daily life. I also have this wanderlust inside me, and perhaps that makes me restless. I’m great in a crisis or a high adrenaline event, it’s the normal where I begin to fall and fail.
So what changed, what happened since that rough February night, which made it so difficult to actually come on this trip? Just buying the tickets I had felt i found my escape, something to look forward to, hold on to. It wasn’t a foolish choice, it was quite informed of me. I lined my date’s up with when my lease ended. I found a balance in my desire to escape and my life responsibilities. Giving myself this time was important. It offered me the space to process, connect better with others, and make a healthy departure.

I took a turn off the Camino to find this gem of nature.

For almost as long as I can remember, I have had this unhealthy desire to just up and disappear, to run away from everyone. It often has strong emotional ties to shame, guilt, pain, and other dark emotions. As an adult, I began struggling with thoughts of suicide. Suicide: the ultimate disappearing act. When I think about my struggles it is hardly ever a reflection of others. It is a reflection of how I can’t stand myself, occasionally informed by the opinions of others. The thing is I can’t escape myself anymore than you can escape yourself. So my urge to disappear doesn’t work, I can’t run from myself. That was where the permanence of suicide began to feel attractive.
Luckily, for me, I was born with this little flame in my soul, called HOPE. Sometimes, I am in awe of how strong it is. It keeps me going in the darkest of times. It is what gets me to buy plane tickets so I can walk across Spain. Once the tickets were bought, life started to get a little easier. I had an egress plan. Rule #1 of combat, know your egress points. Okay, maybe not rule #1, but it’s up there for sure. It’s as if I can handle anything as long as there is an escape route.
Funny thing happened though, I made my escape plan and then began to experience a life I didn’t want to escape from. Every day wasn’t perfect, but life felt good. It felt possible. I let myself be more vulnerable. I began to accept the love others kept trying to share with me. I leaned into my art and my dream of building a non-profit. I built deeper relationships with neighbors, coworkers, customers, and friends. Instead of thinking I could go nowhere with my dreams, I just started doing it. It was as if I suddenly had nothing to loose, so why not try. To my surprise, people really supported me! I even met someone special who has made my life even better. It turned out I didn’t need to escape my life. I needed to be embracing it.

Signpost directing where the Camino continues.

So, then I considered not going on this trip at all. I balked at the risk of leaving a good life, finally, a good life. The thing is, I had heard this call to adventure and I accepted it. My current level of comfort at home should not hinder me answering the call and stepping into the unknown. A person won’t grow well unless, from time to time, they face the unknown and seek the new knowledge and wisdom it has in store.
The beauty to this evolution is that I don’t know what I’m walking the Camino for. I am no longer escaping. I’m not appearing, like the last Camino, for myself. They’re is no record breaking, comparing, or competing. I’m simply embracing the unknown by putting one foot in front of the other, and continue to walk.

I’m Okay, but I’m Not Okay

Lately I keep saying to myself, ‘I’m not okay, but I’m okay.” Everywhere I go people ask “how are you doing?” This is not because they read my blog or social media posts about my struggles. This is merely because as a society we have been taught that this is how you open a conversation, by showing you want to know about the other persons well-being. It is hard for me because I know if I say I am not okay, or I am shitty, that they will most likely not only want to know more but then also offer advice and ideas. My pain and struggle is really exhausting and so often it seems easier to be alone in order to not get asked this question. I always wonder if the person asking is sincere or not. I hate to tell people I am fine, or okay when in reality I am not.

Much like this Gingerbread, I wonder if they see the real me.

This is why I decided that when people ask me how I am doing I am going to tell them the positive side of things. Or, if I feel really crummy at that moment, I can simply say “I am not okay, but I am okay.” I want to be truthful. I want to be sincere in my answers and my interactions. I also do not want to be a burden on people who are just trying to be polite but not get wrapped in to the situation.

This holiday season I have taken a new spin on treatment for what ails me and have been working to find weird interesting ways to make me more okay than not. Often when people are struggling in life they wear a mask to hide the pain they are feeling. This can be in many forms. For me, it came out in costume.

Elf on the Shelf for a Day

It started when my team decided to “Elf” our supervisor. If you have never been “Elfed” this means that you basically got a Christmas Prank… often dealing with wrapping an entire cubical on paper as well as everything on the desk inside the cubical. When we ran to the store for decorations and paper I saw the elf hat in this photo and just had to have it. Little did I know by the time we were done wrapping the supervisors desk I would have a plan in place to dress like an elf for the big reveal. The problem is that my back has been really bad lately and keeps me from work sometimes, so I missed the big reveal. I didn’t want to skip the outfit even though I was going in late to work. I wanted to feel joyful and silly. So I showed up in costume.

I wish I could live in this outfit!

What may have been a single day thing became a hot topic around the office and my team for what other costumes would be a good idea. This was just a step up from the Unicorn “onesie” (One-piece pajama) I wore on Halloween. While popping in to my local target for a red sweater (for a different costume) I found a pair of red and green striped “onesie” that had a long john look to them. I knew I had to have them for a different elf costume. My one regret is they didn’t have a butt flap like the old school ones. It was super comfortable and I never wanted to take it off. When I got home my original thought was to just wear them at my parents house for Christmas. That was before I realized I needed to get dressed for my teams Christmas party. Sometimes picking the right outfit is so hard, especially that every day since Thanksgiving my pain level has increased. So I threw on this outfit and showed up to surprise my team. They got a huge kick out of it, and it helped me forget the pain in my back, even if just for a little while.

I think some people would say it has turned in to an obsession and I may be spiraling out of control. I don’t think so though. I think this is giving me an opportunity to be the unique positive fun-spirited person I am, instead of the broken sad little girl I feel like a lot these days. You would think that I would stop there, many probably hoped, but I kept going. Monday I wore a green dress with white dots that was last years Christmas dress. I told people I was a Christmas Tree. If I had planned better I would have gotten a star for my head and maybe some garland to wrap around me. That one wasn’t special enough to take a photo in. It was more about my mindset, rather than the reactions of others.

I spent the last few weeks preparing gifts for everyone in my office. I figured I would sneak in early or late and just put a little stocking full of goodies on each desk. Then they asked me to do morning inspiration. Tuesday was supposed to be the day, so I began prepping a Santa costume (hence the red sweater from earlier). Unfortunately my pain got so back Monday night that I visited the local VA ER for assistance and swapped days for inspiration. Even though I was still in pain and feeling really crummy this outfit helped me find a new attitude so I could go to work and not just lay in bed all day. I showed up around lunch time and immediately took my Santa bag from desk to desk saying “Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!” then handed them each a stocking and tried to quickly disappear. It was quite a surprise and delight for everyone, myself included.

I thought I was done, that was the last costume of the season, and I would go back to the normal day to day clothes. As I was driving home that night my pain increased again and I felt very sick. I began to worry about what the holidays would look like for me if I hurt this much. I did not want to revisit the ER, I just want to feel better. As I worked to get my mind to not spiral in the pain I started thinking about How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I have always thought it would be cool to do Cindy Lou Who hair, and have the outfit. So I went straight to the store and started hunting for the right items.

I decided that I would save Cindy for Thursday, so what would I do for Wednesday. I thought long and hard about what Christmas character I had not yet done but would be simple to pull off with normal clothes. I found my answer in reindeer antlers. Not to mention I put together a super cute chocolate brown outfit that I was very comfy in and can wear again. There is just something special about being in the season that has helped me move through the days. The funny thing is that unlike most years, I had to really hunt for reindeer antlers, finally finding them at Walgreens. That was my fifth stop. Just the shopping for the outfits was really therapeutic for me though, so I really enjoyed the challenge and the hunt.

I honestly thought that my Santa outfit was going to be shining glory, the perfect piece. Then I outshone my own ridiculousness with Cindy Lou Who.

I spent more time and effort on building this outfit than the the other five put together. I spent hours sewing the cape and time practicing the hair. It was all worth it. I woke up early this morning, which I hate, and I got ready and hit the road. I was almost late for the morning meeting I was leading and presenting my inspiration at. It would not have been okay, but I would have been okay. I wow’d the office and people on the street with my outfit bringing smiles to so many which lifted me up as well.

Dressed as Cindy Lou Who was the perfect outfit to inspire those in my workplace to choose love not hate. To inspire them to love themselves for they can better love others and begin a spiral effect of everyone loving everyone. It can make the world a better place. In How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Cindy Lou Who was able to show him love and patience while teaching him about community and celebrating. In the end his heart grew three sizes. The Grinch learned to love and Cindy Lou discovered the meaning of Christmas again. The world continues to turn and it is important to not let our emotions or struggles hold us back. This holiday season I have been reminded that life can be light and silly. That I can create my own motivations and treatments based on who I am as a person.

I got to spend a lot of time these last few weeks just really being me and working to feel accepted by who I am within my conservative “adult” community. I brought so many smiles and a lot of joy to people that I encountered, so not only was this tale of how the to help myself heal, but also to help heal other people. Be who you want to be, and nothing more. I know that though I am not okay physically right now, I am still okay. It’s about not giving up, giving in, or surrendering to the darkness.

Merry Christmas!

Original Post on Medium.