Lately I keep saying to myself, ‘I’m not okay, but I’m okay.” Everywhere I go people ask “how are you doing?” This is not because they read my blog or social media posts about my struggles. This is merely because as a society we have been taught that this is how you open a conversation, by showing you want to know about the other persons well-being. It is hard for me because I know if I say I am not okay, or I am shitty, that they will most likely not only want to know more but then also offer advice and ideas. My pain and struggle is really exhausting and so often it seems easier to be alone in order to not get asked this question. I always wonder if the person asking is sincere or not. I hate to tell people I am fine, or okay when in reality I am not.

This is why I decided that when people ask me how I am doing I am going to tell them the positive side of things. Or, if I feel really crummy at that moment, I can simply say “I am not okay, but I am okay.” I want to be truthful. I want to be sincere in my answers and my interactions. I also do not want to be a burden on people who are just trying to be polite but not get wrapped in to the situation.

This holiday season I have taken a new spin on treatment for what ails me and have been working to find weird interesting ways to make me more okay than not. Often when people are struggling in life they wear a mask to hide the pain they are feeling. This can be in many forms. For me, it came out in costume.

It started when my team decided to “Elf” our supervisor. If you have never been “Elfed” this means that you basically got a Christmas Prank… often dealing with wrapping an entire cubical on paper as well as everything on the desk inside the cubical. When we ran to the store for decorations and paper I saw the elf hat in this photo and just had to have it. Little did I know by the time we were done wrapping the supervisors desk I would have a plan in place to dress like an elf for the big reveal. The problem is that my back has been really bad lately and keeps me from work sometimes, so I missed the big reveal. I didn’t want to skip the outfit even though I was going in late to work. I wanted to feel joyful and silly. So I showed up in costume.

What may have been a single day thing became a hot topic around the office and my team for what other costumes would be a good idea. This was just a step up from the Unicorn “onesie” (One-piece pajama) I wore on Halloween. While popping in to my local target for a red sweater (for a different costume) I found a pair of red and green striped “onesie” that had a long john look to them. I knew I had to have them for a different elf costume. My one regret is they didn’t have a butt flap like the old school ones. It was super comfortable and I never wanted to take it off. When I got home my original thought was to just wear them at my parents house for Christmas. That was before I realized I needed to get dressed for my teams Christmas party. Sometimes picking the right outfit is so hard, especially that every day since Thanksgiving my pain level has increased. So I threw on this outfit and showed up to surprise my team. They got a huge kick out of it, and it helped me forget the pain in my back, even if just for a little while.

I think some people would say it has turned in to an obsession and I may be spiraling out of control. I don’t think so though. I think this is giving me an opportunity to be the unique positive fun-spirited person I am, instead of the broken sad little girl I feel like a lot these days. You would think that I would stop there, many probably hoped, but I kept going. Monday I wore a green dress with white dots that was last years Christmas dress. I told people I was a Christmas Tree. If I had planned better I would have gotten a star for my head and maybe some garland to wrap around me. That one wasn’t special enough to take a photo in. It was more about my mindset, rather than the reactions of others.

I spent the last few weeks preparing gifts for everyone in my office. I figured I would sneak in early or late and just put a little stocking full of goodies on each desk. Then they asked me to do morning inspiration. Tuesday was supposed to be the day, so I began prepping a Santa costume (hence the red sweater from earlier). Unfortunately my pain got so back Monday night that I visited the local VA ER for assistance and swapped days for inspiration. Even though I was still in pain and feeling really crummy this outfit helped me find a new attitude so I could go to work and not just lay in bed all day. I showed up around lunch time and immediately took my Santa bag from desk to desk saying “Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!” then handed them each a stocking and tried to quickly disappear. It was quite a surprise and delight for everyone, myself included.

I thought I was done, that was the last costume of the season, and I would go back to the normal day to day clothes. As I was driving home that night my pain increased again and I felt very sick. I began to worry about what the holidays would look like for me if I hurt this much. I did not want to revisit the ER, I just want to feel better. As I worked to get my mind to not spiral in the pain I started thinking about How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I have always thought it would be cool to do Cindy Lou Who hair, and have the outfit. So I went straight to the store and started hunting for the right items.

I decided that I would save Cindy for Thursday, so what would I do for Wednesday. I thought long and hard about what Christmas character I had not yet done but would be simple to pull off with normal clothes. I found my answer in reindeer antlers. Not to mention I put together a super cute chocolate brown outfit that I was very comfy in and can wear again. There is just something special about being in the season that has helped me move through the days. The funny thing is that unlike most years, I had to really hunt for reindeer antlers, finally finding them at Walgreens. That was my fifth stop. Just the shopping for the outfits was really therapeutic for me though, so I really enjoyed the challenge and the hunt.

I honestly thought that my Santa outfit was going to be shining glory, the perfect piece. Then I outshone my own ridiculousness with Cindy Lou Who.

I spent more time and effort on building this outfit than the the other five put together. I spent hours sewing the cape and time practicing the hair. It was all worth it. I woke up early this morning, which I hate, and I got ready and hit the road. I was almost late for the morning meeting I was leading and presenting my inspiration at. It would not have been okay, but I would have been okay. I wow’d the office and people on the street with my outfit bringing smiles to so many which lifted me up as well.

Dressed as Cindy Lou Who was the perfect outfit to inspire those in my workplace to choose love not hate. To inspire them to love themselves for they can better love others and begin a spiral effect of everyone loving everyone. It can make the world a better place. In How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Cindy Lou Who was able to show him love and patience while teaching him about community and celebrating. In the end his heart grew three sizes. The Grinch learned to love and Cindy Lou discovered the meaning of Christmas again. The world continues to turn and it is important to not let our emotions or struggles hold us back. This holiday season I have been reminded that life can be light and silly. That I can create my own motivations and treatments based on who I am as a person.

I got to spend a lot of time these last few weeks just really being me and working to feel accepted by who I am within my conservative “adult” community. I brought so many smiles and a lot of joy to people that I encountered, so not only was this tale of how the to help myself heal, but also to help heal other people. Be who you want to be, and nothing more. I know that though I am not okay physically right now, I am still okay. It’s about not giving up, giving in, or surrendering to the darkness.

Merry Christmas!

Original Post on Medium.