Tag Archives: Appreciation

Las Vegas, NV

We’re All Just Stories in the End

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Several times this week I’ve found myself thinking “If only others could read this blog I’m writing in my head, they’d be inspired!” So here I am, taking myself back to the blog to take things out of my head, and maybe… just maybe… inspire others.

The Strip, Las Vegas, NV

When I last left you I was telling the story of my wandering across Spain on the Camino de Santiago, almost 2 years ago. A lot has happened in that time. I now find myself in Las Vegas, a place I would’ve preferred to never return. It brings back the week after my miscarriage, drunken and grieving on the very steps I’m sitting on now, 8 years ago. This time I’m here for growth, for learning, for connecting.

I’m attending a conference where the courses I’m taking focus on leadership, team building, and strategy. I’m still a wanderer, but now I wander the stories of those in close proximity to me. I wander the lives of those struggling to survive, hoping to impart wisdom and able to impart financial assistance. It’s a role that empowers my inner wild woman, while simultaneously being wrought with struggle and anxiety. This is the culmination of years of wandering and hearing the stories of others.

We are, after all, just stories in the end. A series of short stories, chaotic chapters, and lengthy novels. The journey to wander is the longest inside us.

1 of 14 Life Labyrith “Seek”

We are, inside each of us, a winding labyrinth that continues to move through ourselves over and over, developing the next step. If you’ve been lucky enough to buy one of this series you know that you’re endlessly connected to the others, known and unknown, who have also purchased one of these pieces.

People watching is almost as interesting as hearing their stories. So here I sit in vegas, wondering about all of the many stories I watch walk past. The Indian gal who picked up a diaper from the path to throw it away. The couples dressed to the nines, gorgeous and grand. The families and couples. The mother and daughter signing words to each other. So many stories untold to me, but lived every day.

I want to put up a sign that says “Tell me a story” and see who stops. On the Camino we were always telling our stories to each other. As a leader I hear the stories of my team and of the households they help. I have my own story, so often untold, until a kindred spirit insisted. I’m a human body full of so many stories, my own and others. Many get locked deep in a chest to respect and honor the storyteller. Many I get to pass on in tidbits of wisdom shared by others. Many are stories of how I’ve encountered my own wisdom.

This conference has such a focus on taking time to hear the stories of those in our agencies. They talk about development, about GROWTH, and how that means we can’t one-size fits all our leadership. It may seem easier to project my own motivations, desires, and needs on others… but easier is not connective, healing, “agape” love.

So I’ve wandered into a new space of introspection and extrospection. I watch people in the world around me a little closer. I make eye contact with love in my eyes and if I’m lucky enough to have someone impart their story on me… well I try my hardest to love them, see them, and honor them.

After all, we’re all just stories in the end, and stories are beautiful.

Camino de Santiago Frances, Spain

Finding New Life

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I’m struggling on this journey with habits and patterns that I have created at home to manage myself and my PTSD.
If I were home right now I would be sleeping, because it’s still morning. I might go out to work at Starbucks today. I may spend time painting or drawing. I would likely sit outside at the picnic table, enjoying the last days of summer with Janelle before she goes back to work. I’d have made a coffee, and then another, and likely a third. I wouldn’t have eaten anything yet. I’d likely spend a lot of time indoors, binging Netflix or reading a novel. Possibly, I would do some household chores and rearrange the living room for the millionth time. Tomorrow I would do the same, just as this is what I did yesterday. Life became stale. I was complacent in my maximum isolation. So full of thoughts, and hopes, and desires, but not moving towards anything, just talking it in circles and writing down ideas.
This morning I had one cafe con leche and a ham and cheese sandwich. I packed my bag and I hit the road. I greeted others in kindness and compassion for our mutual journey and struggles up hills. I drank lots of water. I stopped and meditated in my surroundings, not concerned with those going past at faster speeds than I. I drank more water and ate a small muffin. I heard music and I stopped to sing along as the Guitarist played Stand By Me (Ben E. King). I encouraged myself to keep moving on the hills, but to stop, look around, and look up. I discovered that what I thought were dates were actually almonds. Who knew they grew on trees in green pods? I didn’t, nor did the three French women who showed it to me, explaining in French. I don’t speak French, but we understood each other all the same.
I found an old cistern on the top of a hill and I stopped to meditate again. Maybe someone took my picture, or they were just catching the view. Someone walked by and told me “Namaste”. I continued to meditate and breathe. When I opened my eyes everything was brighter, my sight was clearer. Even the ants on my bag didn’t ruin my day. I wondered why it is that I avoid meditating regularly. Is lack of peace such a comfortable place?
I arrived at my destination and felt as if I had not come far enough today, but I’m learning I must make myself pause, even when my body insists it can go further. I fed, cleaned, and embraced my body for its strength and resilience. I interact with others through smile and greeting, feeling akin. This is a life one cannot find binging netflix in the living room. I do believe this is a life we can find by stepping out our front door. There is no need to travel, though I highly encourage it. Seeing and experiencing other cultures gives us perspectives to grow and love better. I hope and believe that everyone can take their own journey and not only finds new ways to embrace life, but like I have on this trail, find that life is embracing you back.

Camino de Santiago Frances, France

Here I Sit – Ahetze, France

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Here I sit, in the quaint French village of Ahetze.

After two days of airport travel I landed in Biarritz, France. For a moment it felt free to be done with planes. My assumption was to grab a taxi or Uber to the hotel I had booked online. This proved to be more difficult, for several reasons. First, I had completely lost what little French I pretended to learn prior to the trip, not even hello was coming to mind. This kicked my anxiety up. Second, I couldn’t get my phone to connect to the WIFI, possibly because the form was in French and I wasn’t answering it correctly. Suddenly, all the normalcy of airport life disappeared. I was momentarily frozen in a foreign country. I battled the urge to turn my cell service on and took several deep breathes. I wandered around, not finding a taxi stand and too ashamed of my lack of French to ask for help. I tried the WIFI again. Somehow, i muddled through the French form and got it to connect. I opened Uber and encountered my third problem… no Uber drivers. How!?!?!? I checked Google map which insisted there should be Uber cars, it also offered a bus route. The bus station was 20 minutes walk. Without ongoing data I figured I would only become more frustrated trying to find it. I checked Uber again… SUCCESS!
Marc, my Uber driver, spoke enough English to tell me I was going to a small country village. This was not what I had expected. My mind raved as I tried to remember to breathe. This is okay. I’ll be okay. I’m resilient. Then Marc tells me the only way back from the village is by rental car or motorbike. My internal panic continues as my external self attempts neutrality. A moment of brevity arrives when we approached a round about, where Marc begins yelling in French and honing his horn because no one is letting us merge into the round-about. Finally, he cuts someone off, at which point north drivers go halfway put the window to yell at each other in French. It didn’t sound like kind words. Thankfully, Marc came back into the vehicle when it was time to start moving. He promised the rest of the trip would be much more pleasant.
Marc spoke enough English to drop some knowledge on me. The G7 Summit would be in Biarritz in late August. There are normally more Ubers but it’s been a bad summer for biarritz, so less business means less Uber. Also, somehow the G7 Summit is affecting the Uber business in the area. Spain has the most taxi’s of all the Western European countries, but France comes in second. He also shared many other things which I did not quite understand, but I nodded along pleasantly. It never fails that people think I’m from Kansas, and Marc did not let me down. He asked where I’m from, then said he has heard of Kansas City, it’s in Kansas, then asks me what the capital of the state is. I get that question a lot, or so it seems, I usually guess Topeka, but I’m still not sure. I tried to explain how I’m from Missouri, not Kansas and how KC is in both states, but it fell flat. I gave up with an internal chuckle.

At Hôtel Harretchea in Ahetze, Fr the woman who checked me in didn’t speak English. We got through it and she should me my beautiful first floor room. The door to the back patio sat ajar, flanked by beautiful rustic red shutters. I was very glad it was such a comfortable room for my first night in Europe. I got straight in the shower and sink washed my clothes for the first time. I managed to flood the bathroom because there was no edge to the shower to hold in water. It was odd, but survivable. They had a towel warmer that I used to dry my clothes. Maybe that’s its purpose, we saw them in Scotland last year too. It could also simply be a heater that becomes multi-purpose.

By this time, I was exhausted and without a common language. My resiliency and stubbornness were fading fast. I needed food. I opted to wander and try to find dinner. The main restaurant in town didn’t open till 2000, and it was only 1800. I eventually found a grocery store and opted to simply buy some food to hold me over. I was beginning to feel stabbed and ill, the jet lag (8hrs ahead of Colorado) was starting to catch up to me. After eating I fell asleep watching some Netflix, a very home thing to do. I woke up at 2300, feeling rested, and glad I’d bought those groceries. I found out I could make phone calls over the WIFI also, so made a call home. I needed that call to make me feel better, less alone, less miserable. The call didn’t last long as my energy started to wane pretty quick. As I laid back down to sleep it occurred to me that the trail hadn’t even started yet and I was already questioning my reasons to be here. I missed the familiar and a common language.

In the end I slept well, with the patio door open, letting in the fresh air. In the morning I had a proper European breakfast (Petit dejuenes) made primarily of a dozen types of pastry, but don’t worry, I only ate 5! This was what I expected when I joked about not losing weight. I’m sure I’ll burn the calories and more on the trail. My saving grace was, of course, the coffee, though no milk, but still my elixir of life.
I went to check out and was reminded I needed to pay. This morning the woman at the desk spoke English, thankfully, otherwise I may not have realized I didn’t pay when I booked. I told her that nowhere in America would they let you stay without paying upfront. She just smiled at me. It is interesting the level of trust given here. I also felt no hesitation in leaving my patio door open all night. It was a very small, rural village. I’m sure my mom will have something to say about that. I figure verbal language is only 7% of communication, and my spidey senses are pretty sharp. I trust my intuition, but I digress.

The woman said I could stay till my bus, but I told her I wanted to explore town. She laughed saying there isn’t much to explore. I agreed but still chose to go. I took some photos and found my way back to this spot to write. It’s a stone picnic table in a community parking lot. There is traffic going by, but otherwise not a whole lot of activity, except for those visiting the grocery store. The sun has finally come out and shortly I’ll return to Biarritz and catch a train to Saint-Jean-Pied-de-Port.

I’m at peace and looking forward to staying the trail tomorrow. It was a good idea to take a few nights before starting the rail. I’m working on getting my shyness in an unfamiliar culture out of the way. I’ll start using my Spanish more moving forward. It seems they speak Spanish here as well, being just a few miles from Spain.

Kansas City, MO

Remember 3 Months…

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My fortune from Oct 11, 2016

I received the fortune pictured here while out with my coworkers for the monthly Birthday lunch at Bo Ling’s in Kansas City. The food was fine, but this fortune was even more memorable: “Remember three months from this date! Your lucky star is shining.” For 3 months I have had this sitting on my desk, reminding me of the future to come. Every once in a while I would tell my coworkers the date that this fortune should come true and we would imagine what the day would hold. I think my coworkers thought it was a joke at first when I said I was marking my calendar for 3 months from October 11, 2016. They had only known me a month and they rapidly found out that I am a high-spirited very-imaginative free spirit.

As the 3 month date drew closer I kept asking what people thought would happen. At this point I had dressed up as multiple characters for work and randomly brought sweet treats and gifts. We were all hoping for something spectacular to come on January 11, 2017. Secretly in my head I was conspiring to meet the love of my life and get married or come by some windfall that sets me up for my career. I imagined being gifted something exciting or getting a raise. I thought maybe something special would happen at work, or we would find an answer for a client that solved their problems right away.

So I woke up on January 11, 2017 and as I performed my new morning ritual with an extra bounce in my step I applied make-up, which is not often a work day task. I packed my lunch, made my cup of coffee, and made sure I was wearing pants (I may occasionally almost go to work in PJs). I drove to work listening to Tribe by Sebastian Junger, which is quite inspiring. My day started off with clients that are looking to improve their lives and working alongside some coworkers that I think are just fantastic. My AmeriCorps partner was wearing an outfit similar to mine. I only now regret not taking a photo together to show off. I had a lot of things to accomplish today and not too heavy of a schedule. As time went by I accomplished much, but time was going slow. My partner and I did our regular team download and brain storming (aka Coffee Run). We all ate lunch together and problem solved together. We laughed together and we joked about what was so special to come. Our supervisor was out of the office today, but that never makes much difference, so that didn’t seem too special.

I even showed this note to the cashier

As the day wore on the team consensus was that I needed to play the lotto. The thing about that is that I have only ever played the lotto one other time and I was super embarrassed when I had to ask how it worked at the gas station as I bought the ticket. I have always earned my luck, it’s rarely been just handed to me. So my co-workers were kind enough to explain the process and then upon seeing my still confused face they wrote down specifically what I was supposed to ask the gas station attendant for. I said that I would hold the note and read it verbatim. That is exactly what I did.

In addition to the normal work day I trouble shot some travel details for a Team Rubicon Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training that we have coming up soon in Omaha. The task was stressful, but came out perfectly because team work makes the dream work and I love my TRibe. I chatted with a guy on Tinder that seems really nice, funny, and has great eyes! I felt good in my body because it’s Day 11 of not smoking. My apartment is clean, I rode the stationary bike (finally), and I took the time to meditate. I have said my prayers and read some books. I even treated myself to a delicious pizza. I used a new face wash that makes my face feel so soft.

So here I am, 30 minutes till the end of January 11th and I don’t think that as I crawl into bed anything really spectacular or different than usual will occur.

For $8 all together I let my imagination hope for something big to happen

The results for the Power Ball and the Missouri Lotto came out and I did not win at either. The gas station attendant had pointed out that if I had brought the fortune we would use the numbers on the backside. I left the actual slip of paper at my office. Tomorrow, just for fun, I will compare the winning numbers to those on my fortune. I also played a scratcher, and won nothing. What I find all the more amazing is that nothing matched, not a single number, on any of them. I suppose if luck is real and there is a zombie apocalypse I will be the first bitten.

But as I said, I have never just been given luck, I have always worked for it. I am not disappointed however in how today turned out. With the new year I have been dreaming of adventures in foreign places doing new things. This yearning was not fulfilled today, but in looking for my shining star I paid close attention to every aspect of my day. This allowed me to really invest in myself and my actions to try and make every moment the best possible moment. This is the idea behind setting goals, and we just need to believe it with as much imagination as me and my coworkers paid attention to January 11th.

Everyday can be a metaphorical January 11th because we can make it that way. The things I listed that happened today I was able to find great amounts of gratitude for them, knowing that in reality it was unlikely I would win the lotto tonight. I have hope for great things in my life, and you know what? I am going to keep this fortune on my desk and set a note in my calendar for 3 months from today. I don’t think my lucky star will ever stop shining, because I work hard for it, but… just in case… I will “Remember 3 months from today.” I will dream, I will hope, I will imagine, and I will keep making my own luck.

Make your own fortune and mark the calendar. What are you going to hope for? What are you going to work towards to create your own luck? I know you can do it! Good Luck!

Original Post on Medium