Wanderers, value those you encounter on your journeys. I have been furiously writing to try and get a “love note” out to each person I have come across thus far on this operation. Unfortunately, we know I cannot track the day of the week, well it is even more impossible to track who is leaving when from an operation. I think we often take it for granted that no one will leave till everyone leaves. Not all who deploy out here wander as I do and can delay their departure. I won’t go in to detail about what gets put in a love note to a practical stranger who has suddenly become your best friend for a week, but I will tell you the rules. When it comes to a “love note” there is one rule only… The recipient is not allowed to read it until they have left the operation. I however cannot stop someone from opening their love note on the spot, or even after I walk away. This is each recipients right to do as they please with my love note to them.

One friend read his and then came and hugged me a day or so ago (I am still not sure the days). He thanked me for the note, and I scolded him playfully for opening it early. His response was that he could not wait to open it because he loves my loves notes. He then opened his bag and pulls out the love not he received upon our last departure in October. He is this amazing person, with a great attitude, super funny and gives awesome hugs. That is just a little background before I tell you what he did next… He proceeds to read his old love letter out loud saying the most ridiculous things that I am pretty sure I did not write, though you can never be sure. He ends it with “I like you, do you like me, check yes or no.” Maybe I should end all my love letters like this, however I do recall not writing this in his letter from last fall. Though I do so like him… not like like… just like, lol. These people make me feel like a kid again sometimes. Then of course he gives me an amazing hug, I kind of wish I could pocket all of these hugs and pull them out whenever I am missing them.

Well since most of the folks are leaving in the morning I was handing out cards tonight with the one instruction to open when they leave. A couple of the people I had only met in passing and not specifically worked with. I opted to write them love notes anyway and then could not find them to give it to them. I went ahead and placed them on their racks and five minutes later they all came in and opened their love note, not knowing what it was, or what the rule was. It turned out this was a perfect opportunity to get to know a handful of more awesome people! I got hugs from each of them and then they invited me to hang out with them. I have many friends through TR and beyond, but each time a new group wants me to spend time with them it is like I am in high school being invited to hang with the popular kids. Sometimes the feelings from high school never fade, and that excitement still hops in to a person’s stomach.

My love notes serve many purposes. Their main purpose is to provide a bridge for each person. There is a point that the deployment bubble pops, the adrenaline settles down, and the extraordinary life becomes ordinary again. This can be a hard transition for people. The love note bridges this gap for a person in giving them a physical reminder of the fact they are appreciated and loved. It also has served to bridge gaps between me and those I wish to get closer to. Many years ago I realized that I am pretty terrible at purposefully building relationships with people. Most of my friendships were accidental, and though beautiful, still I don’t understand the process of making friends. So now I write something tangible to make a connection and it makes me more comfortable. I am one awkward wanderer.

Well I must write more love notes for more of my beloved TR members. Till next time!

Signing off from Wimberley, TX.

Dear Wanderer, sometimes days are lost. It appears that today is Friday. I am pretty sure it is NOT Friday, but Thursday. I got so wrapped up in the mission here that the days began to run together. That is something that does not bother me except that I forgot to write a paper and now will have to withdraw from my class because of it. It is really hard to do school and focus on a disaster relief operation. I found that out last year as I went through multiple operations attempting school and falling short of the goal. I am tired of school, and the end of the tunnel seems so far away.

Once upon a time I loved school, but now I love learning, but not the process of school. I would much prefer to focus on the mission at hand helping others, and valuing the relationships I have built. That is why I did not get the paper done by the original due date, and now it is too late to hand in.

When I was on active duty both in Iraq and Afghanistan it was so simple to focus on the mission and block the rest of the world out. My time in the field with TR is very reminiscient of this feeling. I get in there and start rocking the mission out and block out bills, responsibilities, and even plans for the future.

I hear others talk of their return home in the next few days and I know that I am staying on in Wimberley to continue the mission as we are not closing up shop quite yet. It is sad to see those I have worked with this week return home in a few days, but I am also excited because new people will be rolling in. For someone who is at the point of always wanting something new, this type of mission sure does provide that.

Every day is a new challenge and a new set of people to learn how to react to. I have always been pretty good at adapting myself to those around me, but now it has taken on a new meaning. Wanderers, when you meet new people or revisit old, take the time to focus on them, see them as an individual and value what you see. Take the time to really connect with others on a level that is deeper than what they want to show you. This does not mean pry in to their lives, but find a way to be genuinely interested and watch their reactions. So much can be learned from watching a person and seeing their reaction, sensing their emotions, and attempting to react in a way which positively influences them.

I won’t lie, it is not easy, even for someone with a high emotional IQ. It is not even I could put in to words to explain to you. Slowing down and taking the time to feel out another person and open your heart to the fact that they are different than you, well that takes patients and an interest in valuing them no matter their story. If I intend to be valued for my story, without having to share it, shouldn’t I be willing to do the same for others? Someone once told me that at the route of all things each person is the same, which in theory should make it easy to determine their motivation, the reasons they act as they do. If we are all the same when it comes down to it, then it is that our story differs, and so we must learn to react to how each person behaves differently because of their story.

I have taken many a psychology class over the years and tend to throw most of what I learned out the window in order to understand others on their terms, not on a textbook. However, I fell in love with the idea of Maslow’s Hierarchy. Maslow indicated a pyramid structure where the base level was food, shelter, and other necessities. Once a person has that they work to achieve the next level which is safety and security. The third is “belongingness”, or the social need to be loved and be part of a community. The following stage is Esteem which includes self-esteem, confidence, and respect from self and others. The pinnacle of our pyramid is Self-Actualization. This refers to the place where a person is stabilized enough by the previous things that they can focus on morality, spontaneity, creativity, and other such things.

It is not a one way street, it is a ladder which one can climb up and down as life occurs. While on operations with Team Rubicon I find that I am much better at being at the top of the pyramid. I am well provided for, safe, loved, and even moderately respected (I sure know my self-esteem and confidence levels are high). I also know that at the end of this I may or may not have a new mission to go on to, so I will be back to the basics as I do my wandering. I wonder if I will break Maslows ladder, since I have no singular home.

Oh and by the way, it is Friday still.

Signing off from Wimberley, TX.

Wanderers, remember that everyday is a new day. Yesterday I was quite frustrated with myself, I was also quite frustrated with our project. The home we were helping yesterday was comprised of building material which was attempting to kick our assess. Upon our return today we were insistent we would finish the task. We did, my crew kicked some flood butt and worked tirelessly to accomplish the home.

At the end of the day I make it a habit of contacting the homeowner if they are not already on scene. No matter how many times I speak to homeowners I always get chills. The sounds of their voices as they express their gratitude for our teams and what we’ve done make my eyes start to leak. I get to and tell my team the words expressed to me, but I wish I had the ability to let each of them speak to every homeowner. Our days are rough and difficult and each person has their reason for coming out to support the disaster mission, as a team lead I work to ensure that need is met. I feel huge purpose in what I’m doing and I hope they all feel the same.

In my mind I am struggling to integrate my wandering into TR disaster ops which feel so normal to me. This is a place where my two halves come to unity and don’t argue quite as much. Or maybe this is where a third personality comes out, I’ve not decided yet. All I know is that being here seems natural. I get extremely frustrated with the havoc created by floods or tornadoes, but am so at peace while serving other people.

My encouragement today for those attempting to want us that while looking inside yourself do not forget to look outward and pad on they gifts you possess. Wandering is not meant to be a solitude experience. It is meant to be about experiencing life in a new way, a way in which you start to piecewho you are and what makes you tick together. Part of that is interacting with others, letting yourself feel the emotions and ride the reality around you, and accepting what that is.

Signing off Wimberley, TX.

Wanderer, as I have been sharing my travels thus far I have provided my ups and downs. I have not failed to share with you the struggles of finding oneself. Even in the midst of knowing you are right where you are meant to be, there are still struggles.

There are things that I feel I cannot understand about the process I am going through in my mind. This is an incorrect statement. It is not that I CANNOT… it is that I DO NOT yet understand the gaps in my understanding about my own psyche. Rome was not built in a day, correct? I await the day that I understand more easily the things that I am currently going through. As an infant I did not understand how to use a spoon, I quickly learned, as is my way, and mastered the task. I am sure at the time that I did not yet comprehend how to use the spoon I was as frustrated as I am at this very moment with my own psyche.

Part of this journey is learning who I am inside. When I am in the field with Team Rubicon and we have our ups and our downs I am always sure that this is where I am meant to be. That is not a question for me in the least. I well understand that the mission is difficult and it is also beautiful. Today was just a perfect storm of stupid for me, which was mostly me, and I don’t truly understand.

I have mentioned these two personas which define my internal self, the Wild Woman, and the Bitchy Princess. I don’t know that I saw either one today. Something else was there, and it was me, the start of me. That was difficult to deal with. I also acted poorly in reaction to it. I was tired and busy and so was not conscious of myself coming out. It took a bad turn, and in return I acted in a lower fashion than I wish to act.

It was a day with a tedious difficult interior demolition. Wanderer, keep in mind what I said about the tedious things in life, we must not let them overcome us. We must work through them, because they are necessary to the process. I however today at some point changed and I was not expecting it in the middle of the tedious difficult task at hand. I have this bad habit of getting around men and turning in to a huge flirt. Don’t get me wrong, flirting is fun, I do enjoy it. The issue is that at some point during the autopilot of flirting and cute quips I begin to get stressed out. I ask myself, what does this man want from me? Those who are close to me know of my struggle to not let that question stop me from having positive healthy relationships with men. Unfortunately my psyche has been tuned to answer that question with “sex”. I’ve been down that road and had fun, but also gotten very hurt by my own actions and the reactions that came from them.

Due to my actions I received a gift that while I was dealing with I suddenly no longer had. I leave that story in my past, or for quiet times that I need to share. Just know that there are consequences for your actions, ones that leave scars on your heart.

I have been working so hard to figure out my boundaries, who I am, how to interact normally, soberly with other people. My princess bitch came back around after the part of me that I don’t understand showed up. She told me that this project would fail, that I would not find success. She reminded me this is hard, harder than anything I have ever done, and I don’t even know if it is worth doing.

The funny thing is that every step I have taken with Team Rubicon is one that I didn’t know if the outcome would be worth the cost of going. It always has been. I just don’t want to be that person who isn’t taken seriously because she is so busy flirting or goofing around.

So that part of me which I am just beginning to understand pulled back from flirting, from the childish jokes. Maybe I laughed a little less, didn’t smile as much, but I was focused on the task at hand. I was also focused on my aching body, hard working team, the crazy weather rolling off of Tropical Storm Bill and ensuring it wouldn’t affect us negatively. There were more important things to focus on than witty repertoire.

So then these really caring men kept asking me if I was okay. They kept insisting I was not right today. Wanderers… never ask a woman if she is okay, just attempt to support her, without asking that question. If you’re asking, you already know the answer. So all of this was going on and then it started to pour. I love rain, but only when I am not trying to accomplish a task that is time sensitive due to the nature of our operation. I felt like I was letting everyone on the team down, and I was failing as a leader to my folks. It rolled over me as the clouds rained down buckets on our heads. The road flooded and the thunder rang out. It was a perfect mess both physically and mentally.

I have been blessed with an amazing leadership team around me, and extremely kick ass volunteers. I struggle to let new people in, and so despite the awesomeness of those with me, I started blocking them out. I just wanted to shower and not be soaked head to toe trying to keep two cell phones from getting ruined in the my sprints through the rain and mud. My control freak side kicked in, but I wasn’t peaceful and in control, I was more freak. I know I owe these guys an apology, but I don’t feel that I owe them an explanation in to this very confusing psyche I am in. If they want the full gouge they can read this, I just don’t have it in me to tell my story over and over to new people. I don’t care that they know, but I am choosing to not share my story out loud, until I am ready with each person.

“Warrior Soul with a Servant Heart”. At the end of every operational day, when we sit down for our evening meal, the Incident Command Team debriefs us. We share ups, we share downs, they explain the reasons behind things to us. Often they share inspiration to help carry us through the lows. My good friend, Vince, is a rock star. I adore him like cray-cray. After we had been briefed by each section chief and given our ups for the day, he got up front and read this quote from Buddha that was reminiscent of the Karma quote I shared the other day. He then said that the short and sweet version is that in TR we each have a Warrior’s Soul and a Servants Heart.

Life has this epic way of correlating if you can slow down long enough to notice. I often notice after many reminders, but now that I am meditating and working on slowing down I am catching on quicker. Vince’s words tonight were entirely accurate as to the state of me. My Warrior’s Soul wanted to conquer today, as it often does. My Servant’s Heart however may sing a stronger tune, and so once I got the warrior in me calmed down I was able to access my servant once again. I wonder what happened to my Wild Woman and my Bitchy Princess today, I haven’t felt their absence in a while. In the midst of the task I forgot them. Maybe that is my end game, that they are parts of me, but I don’t define them from one another. Maybe they are my Servant and my Warrior.

I was thinking of considering taking the flirting further or look towards a potential relationship in the near future. I don’t want to put a time line on what I am doing anymore, but I do need to start figuring out how to get to know men without the dirty jokes or inappropriate turn of phrases. Of everything I have left behind me, this may be the most difficult. If things are tough now, just imagine what they will be like when this is truly who I am, so much easier.

In the mean time I best ensure I meditate now and prepare myself to apologize for the angst I caused today. Tomorrow is another long day and I know my team will keep kicking ass. Hopefully I will be a little more stable and better able to lead my team in the best way possible.

Signing off from Operation Double Trouble, Wimberley, TX.

Wanderers, sometimes you need inspiration, so you should just google “daily inspiration”… so today you get “The Law of Karma: Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind. What we sow is what we reap. And when we choose actions that bring happiness and success to others, the fruit of our karma is happiness and success.”

So… What goes around comes back around? Do unto others as you would have done unto you? And if you want someone to help you clean up a disaster, help somebody else do the same? Okay… Okay… I may have made up that last one. As I read that quote all I kept hearing in my head was The Lion King theme song… but I found it ironic that I googled for something inspirational to share with you and this is what it gave me.

I may not agree in the Karmic ideology of reincarnation and such, but I definitely think that you get back what you sow. We choose our actions, our attitudes, and ultimately most everything in our life. Even if we choose to believe in karma, God, buddha, etc, etc, etc.

As a Wanderer you are meant to find your path, figure out what you believe, and determine the choices in your life. Step one to being a wanderer should probably have been: “You need to be ready to accept that the way things have been are not the fault of others.” You CAN choose your destiny, how you look at life, how you respond to life. It is not easy, I won’t lie and tell you it is, but it is freedom. I am full of cliches today… Freedom is never Free. It wasn’t for any soldier, sailor, airman, or marine, and it is not free to a wanderer. You will pay a price to find your freedom.

Part of my price right now is not drinking. As everyone went to the beer tent after a long day of clearing out flood damaged houses they just wanted a beer to relax. I really wanted to join them. I thought about it. I thought about how I made this pledge to myself and I could undo this pledge at a moments notice. It wasn’t anyone elses decision to make. It is MY choice. I didn’t open a beer, I joined them for some quick conversation and then I moved on to my shower and share this with you. I will tell you that I my eyes are a little moist at the moment… not from sorrow… but from knowing that I am making choices which are taking care of ME!

I made the pact with myself at new years to spend this year finding me, loving me, caring for me. It was a high price to pay from “normalcy”. One I constantly struggle with. I stopped dating, I started eating healthier, and made a decent attempt to work out more. I stuck with not dating, and am still working on being more consistent with the others. I did this because I have been through crap with relationships. I know it was never a one sided scenario, but I did not like what I was becoming because of my actions or theirs. It’s hard though, seeing couple together, and knowing I am a solo at the moment. An additional perk to TR is all of these amazing men I get to work with, who are truly something special. They really are upstanding gentlemen, despite the sideways humor.

I have met many more great men and women after two days on this operation and I am not leaving until next week. I will have plenty of stories to tell about the field, but for today I think I have shared my fill.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers as this storm rolls through Texas. All the crews are kicking butt, especially mine. I am extremely blessed to be working with this community and Team Rubicon. There is no place I would rather be. I  love my life.

Signing off from Operation Double Trouble, Wimberley, TX.

Dear Wanderer… life is messy. That is all.

KIDDING!

That is not all. Life, however, is messy. Especially when disaster strikes. It can take many forms from a personal disaster to a community disaster or a national disaster. It is just defined as an event that is catastrophic to a person or people, not based on any government entity. I however have found peace within the chaos of disaster, serving a purpose. Primarily disaster cause by mother nature. She can be beautiful, fierce, and devastating. In this case Hays and Caldwell County Texas were among many counties struck by massive flooding at the end of May. The Team Rubicon Signal was thrown up and Operation Double Trouble was launched upon the storm hitting. I have been blessed enough to be a part of this amazing organization. I came down here knowing that I have learned much in the last 21 months, but not knowing where they needed me. I just knew that I would do whatever task they requested of me upon arrival. I coined a term, or learned it somewhere, called Organized Chaos. That is what I do.

I was assigned Team Lead and given a kick ass team of four guys and sent out with a second team around the same size to tackle a trailer court which had been heavily damaged in the floods. HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY… Jake Wood, CEO of Team Rubicon joined us in the field. We were also lucky enough to have a couple of other kick ass HQ folks with us, they made the day even more rocking! Jake is a rock star in his own right, but he is also totally ordinary. I really look up to him and am so thankful that him and a couple others had this thought that led to the dream I am now living.

The house we were assigned to had already had the interior drywall pulled out. We had some appliances to tackle and the floor needed to be pulled along with the insulation under it. This is my fourth flood operation, but my first time tackling a flooded trailer. The unique thing about every property we work with is that we don’t know how it was built, so we have to understand how to look at it and decide how efficiently to take it out. In this case the floor was made of particle board. Now particle board with damp is relatively easy to pull. In this case the floor had dried and it was back to being hard as a rock. You might wonder why then do we need to pull this apparently rock solid floor? Well in order to properly mold mitigate in the building the floor beams must be exposed to tackle the most convenient place for mold and mildew to lurk in secret.

So we spent the day working our way through cutting and breaking this floor. Between my team and the team we partnered with, we really kick this floors butt. At the end of the day we were all exhausted, but still laughing and loving being with one another.

Wanderers, do not pass up a chance for hard work, especially when you give it freely to help others. At the end of the day you may be exhausted, but it will be that kind of tired that makes life worth living. You have to really dive in, get dirty, throw on a N-95 mask sometimes, and know that no matter what communities can help communities, no matter what form they take. As you wander, build your community, but don’t let the door close on other communities. Our country would become stronger as a whole if we were one giant community of N-95 wearing, hug toting, servants to one another.

So what else can I tell you on a day where so much meant so much to me, but maybe appears so little to you? If you want to help others, help yourself too by providing self care. This does not mean that you should be selfish or self-serving. It means that you take care of you first, like how I spent time doing homework tonight instead of discussing the latest methods of drywall removal. I also took time to take care of my body by showering, using my TENS unit, and applying EO’s for my aching muscles. I took care of my mind by spending time in meditation. I knew these steps would make me better prepared for tomorrow.  They would provide me with the ability to lead and not to just boss people around. I already feel better prepared for the day to come.  Now I can go rest, so that tomorrow I can serve my volunteers, the local community, and myself in the best possible way.

Signing off from Operation Double Trouble Wimberley, TX

Sometimes wanderers travel by different modes of transportation. I have chosen my vehicle as my primary mode with my bicycle attached for fun around town trips as I stop. However today I have ventured to wandering an airport.

The day started out as any other day. I was awoken by Brain with a cup of coffee…. errr… wait… no just any other day. It is a Team Rubicon Leadership conference day and Brain is my bestie! I have fuzzy memories of how it started, but this woman is a blessing. We are inseparable roomies when doing Team Rubicon things together. At some point she figured out the best way to wake me (not a morning person… I’m a morning monster). It was a lovely way to wake up. The ears have improved slightly which was good since I traveled by plane today.

Today was the day I was headed to TEXAS! I have been with TR since October 2013 and this is my 7th disaster operation, but no matter what I always get nervous about what I will encounter. The great thing about TR is that it feels so much like home, but no two days are the same.

About a year and a half ago I had some struggles in my life at a point that I was on a plane for periods of time. I have chosen not to fly since, with only a few exceptions. I am not afraid of planes and the anxiety has nothing to do with airports or planes or anything typical. It just brings back memories. I never seem to remember until I board the plane and the plane fills up and though not claustrophobic I begin to feel like everyone is stealing my air. I popped a couple of my pills that I rarely take anymore and meditated myself into a coma for the short flight to Dallas Love. Once in Dallas we hopped to Austin and grabbed a vehicle down to Wimberley.

Mama C, Mik, and JS were all with me, and we were excited to get down here. I love my R7 crew and was so glad that they were going with me. I never get to spend enough time with them. We picked up two other folks from different regions at the airport and when we made it in to the billets in Wimberley it’s like coming home.

We pull up and some folks were outside, as I get out of the vehicle here comes a HUGE hug from so many of my favorite people. There is a reason this is my 7th operation, because no matter where there are people in need, my Team Rubicon family is there and they always bring the hugs! From the moment that those I knew got done greeting me and giving hugs I started to meet new people too.

Team Rubicon is a lot like the military in many ways, including how you find instant friends. It doesn’t matter what you do elsewhere, here you have a common mission, passion, goal, drive, dream, etc, etc. All that matters is you want to help others, and so we do that together and are fast friends. I may never talk to some of these people ever again. That would be fine, but they all will leave an individual fingerprint on my heart that I will carry with me forever.

Lights out, I better hit my rack!

Signing off from Operation Double Trouble, Wimberley, TX.