MO, St Louis

6 Years Ago Today

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I am utterly exhausted. I have done such amazing things this week that have shown me how far I have come within myself. I have seen other people do such amazing things. I am so physically and mentally exhausted that once I fall asleep I wonder if I won’t be able to wake up for yet another day in the field. I am always exhausted by day 10 on ops, but this time I have spent more time being patient and training others, I have not stopped moving except to sleep late at night for 10 days. I have never been a better version of myself than I have been this 10 days. So, I check my “Memories” on Facebook just a few minutes ago, all the while wondering when the tears would come from said exhaustion.

6 years ago today I was finally home from my Iraq tour and trying to figure things out. If you looked at this period of FB you may think me bi-polar. I was sick, and didn’t even know it. I wrote this post, which seems to meet a lot of my current expectations, and many that are not, but most of it… they were lies I wanted to believe about myself. All the while I was lost, so so lost. It was with painful remembrance that I post this, to remind myself that we often lie to ourselves and I am so glad I am moving past this.

25 things I learned about me in the desert

This is that 25 things game… but I am applying it to things I learned in the last year.

1. I am an anger filled hateful negative person… and almost prefer to be that.

2. I CAN change my attitude and choose to control the negative person and be a positive person… but sometimes… sometimes I refuse to make that happen.

3. I always felt that Tori v Victoria, Iowa v Colorado… and other such things were a struggle for me to handle… it felt like two different lives colliding, and I didn’t know where to set my feet down. This is no longer an issue… my life and all I’ve learned has meshed to oneness.

4. God really does have a plan in everything… even if you make a bad decision. He turns mistakes into learning opportunities… and I had many of those while deployed.

5. I am much too much boy crazy for my own good. Which is why I am attempting to stay away from any relationship with a man that is not family or friendship for the next 6 months (even if nobody believes I can do it… including me… I will attempt).

6. The desert made me feel like I always stink… so if any of you think I smell you should tell me. I will probably for a long time, if not for the rest of my life carry body spray in my purse… because I feel stinky all the time. I used to be confident that showering and deoderant and a quick spritz in the morning kept me from smelling… now I am not so sure…

7. Tough Skin… I was way too emotional before… and now my skin is tough. My heart is quite tough too these days… and I am not sure if this is a totally good thing… hopefully it will even out.

8. I am terrible at trusting the right people… I don’t trust those that can be trusted… this probably means I have terrible instincts.

9. I am apparently too nice for my own good… and you all think this gives people the right to walk all over me. I will continue to be too nice for my own good… because it is about the kindness and doing the right thing that I do it for… not about being liked… and maybe a few people will continue to stand up and not walk all over me.

10. Colorado is so my home… and I am glad for stupid teenage decisions that moved me here

11. I don’t want to be in Politics anymore… I want a business degree

12. I will probably spend most of my life focusing on helping others

13. I can discipline myself to do knew things, and to accomplish tasks better.

14. I am finally comfortable just being me… and I don’t care what any of you say about me. I love me.

15. I love eating healthy and organically, and processed foods are seriously like the devils playground.

16. I drank way too much before… for all the wrong reasons. Since getting home (with one nights exception) I have not be over the top plastered… barely tipsy. I should continue to not get drunk

17. I have gotten used to being more quiet and anti-social… I quite like being just left alone.

18. I am not cut out for active duty navy… but will probably stay in the reserves and do deployments… maybe I am a glutten for punishment.

19. I missed baking over the last year more than anything else… and I can’t bake yet, because all my stuff is still packed.

20. I no longer have this urge to save the world that I can’t fulfill… in fact most days I would like to sit in my lifeboat and watch the ship go down… much like the llama’s in Lama’s with Hats 2…

21. I am much more down to earth… my head used to always be in the clouds… but now I just easily ignore those fantasy worlds my head tries to create. Reality is finally something I am willing to cope with.

22. I have faced my darkness and it is scary… I am pretty sure that I even found my insanity… and won.

23. I much prefer 145 degree days over 45 degree days any day… lol. I am not a fan of the cold.

24. I still want more than anything to fall in love and end up with that person… and I don’t think this urge will ever go away till I find that someone. I’ve not found him yet… at least I don’t think so.

25. I like to do things for the rush… sometimes it is just for the reaction of the other person… sometimes it is for my own reaction… good or bad I think the experiences really drive me wild in the end…

With those thoughts, I’ll let you tell me what you think… I remember so well wanting to sit in a lifeboat all by myself and watch the world around me burn and fall to the bottom of an endless ocean… yet so much of this appears positive… I feel for the lost girl I was. And in all my exhaustion I am proud of the girl I am now.

Signing Off Arnold, MO, Operation Ugly Water

Des Moines, IA

“You Need To Check That Ass”

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Welcome to the new year, where everyone is suddenly very conscious of the 15 lbs they put on over the holidays. The number one resolution every year is fitness. Last year I made a resolution to learn how to love myself. Part of loving myself was becoming okay with my life and okay with my body. I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but I needed to figure it out, or I wouldn’t survive another year. Last year was monumental for me and I started this new year off with a big move and the decision to settle down.

So with Drill Weekend rapidly approaching, I barely felt any anxiety, as I was too busy loving a life I have learned to love. It was a great feeling to drive to Des Moines, IA from Kansas City, MO and not feel on the verge of a panic attack or making up stories in my head about what atrocities this weekend had in store. I realized that though I still don’t want to be drilling, I am okay to come here and I am still in control of my life.

I still woke up late this morning, which appears to be a calling card I’m struggling to quit providing. Despite that hurdle, the day was not starting off difficult. My command opted to treat me with conscientious assistance rather than punishment. I caught up with the days tasks and was moving along looking forward to the rest of the weekend. BUT WAIT… AND THEN…

I went to lunch with a shipmate who I regularly lunched with. This was a guy I felt comfortable around and didn’t usually have to worry about things with. After we returned from lunch we walked up a flight of stairs, he was a few steps behind. As I reached the landing he loudly proclaims “Hey Young, you need to check that ass. It’s getting way too large.”

I was frozen in my steps. Where once upon a time I would have laughed it off, because that’s what I’d been trained to do in the navy, but now I don’t believe that is right or fair to myself. I wanted to put a stop to it, stand up for myself… BUT the part of me that found his statement truthful took over.

Thoughts raced through my mind… Why would he say that? Can he tell how self conscious I feel in my too-tight uniform post the holiday feasts? Am I a less appealing friend because I’m less sexually desirable? This hurts, oh, god, my ass is so huge I can’t even hide it. If he sees it and feels he can say something, then what is everyone else thinking that they aren’t stupid enough to say? Why can’t I just be skinny? Why am I such a failure at meeting the standards of the navy and others when it comes to my weight? And the thoughts tumbled on and on.

So what was my response? He proclaimed this statement and strolled past me with a cocky air about him, chuckling slightly. I called him back, saying “why don’t you come say that to my face!” As he turned and came back towards me I failed at my resolve to not make this a joke and pretended to knee him in the jewels. I told him he was a fucking ass hole with a slight chuckle in my own voice, trying to not let out that his words had mortally wounded who I am, who I want to be.

This week I have been discussing how we project ourselves on to other people and vice versa. What may have seemed like a stupid joke to him was morally offensive to me. This is because I struggle with body issues, as so many women in this country do. That despite the fact I try to love my whole self for what it is, I still suffer from the social injustice of body fat standards and the beliefs we hold in regards to them. I sit here still, 10 hours later and want to run at him, scream, kick, and punch him to a hideous pulp.

That would make me no better than him, right? I can’t control that he broke rule number 1 (Don’t be a dick). I can however process why I felt that way, but responded differently. I am like a captive who has to relearn how to live a few life because Stockholm Syndrome set in years ago. I feel under their spell, I acclimated to the very unbalanced hyper masculine world of the military. They know no mercy, nor any balance most of the time.

Once upon I time, you acclimated or you fell out. I don’t know that it is much different now, even if they teach new things in boot camp, the navy is still full of old salty sailors who prefer a harsh word over a kind one and train this in to their juniors.

Prior to this weekend, I had subconsciously decided that if anyone approached me in a manner which I did not find humane or respectful I would tell them so. I did so well everywhere else today, but not at this. This shook my sense of self, and will unfortunately place a black mark on an otherwise valuable lesson… Or is this the valuable lesson?

Here’s the thing, life is full of struggles, they will appear in the moments that things feel they are finally going well. This is our reality. We can’t run from them, hang our head in shame, and honestly joining it is not often the right answer.

So what do we do? We are mindful and practice the things we have learned from wandering on our journey.

I AM NOT THE FOOLISH RUDE STATEMENT OF A SINGLE PERSON. I am also not the potential assumed thoughts of those who say nothing. I am not the size of my ass or the tightness of my clothes. I will not be defined this way, and hopefully next time I will be able to say this to the person who so rudely interrupts my peace with the world.

I am who I want to be, and daily I work on more clearly defining who that is. Today I know that I am not these things others place on me. I love my ass, yeah, we could work on some things, but Damn it… It’s me. If you don’t love me, then at least keep your mouth shut and check for a log in your own eye.

I accomplished so much today and it really was a great day, but often great days don’t come with remimders and lessons such as this. So I an thank for my struggle, and desire to move on from it.

If I need time to process it out of my system, so be it, but it won’t control me. You are not what your body looks like to other people… You are what it feels like to you. Make sure to love it, in all its imperfections, we all have room for growth (or shrinkage as some may think).

Signingoff, Des Moines, IA.

 

 

MO, Smithville

The End.

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It is fitting that I sit here and write the end to you on such a prolific night as New Years Eve. Earlier this evening I used my Karaoke app (Sing!) to record myself singing “Auld Lang Syne” with some of the traditional Robert Burns verses in the original Scottish. Ever since I ditched my car on Christmas Eve day I have been dealing with weather related crisis. Either on my own or within the TR region. As I sang Auld Lang Syne over and over practicing the right pronunciation I began to think about the story behind the song. It is a song dedicated to making a decision about remembering the past. The beginning sentences inquire if we should stay acquaintances with these past moments. By the end of the poem/song it comes full circle to drinking a cup of kindness in the pasts memory. It is about moving forward but fondly recalling the past, both the good and bad.

So after the strike of midnight it will be 7 months since I started this journey. I have not always been faithful in posting, but will get caught up eventually. I have made some amazing choices, like quitting my job, and some poor choices, like procrastinating from writing and even meditating daily.

So maybe I have you wondering, is this the end of the wanderer? There must be more to the guidebook than this. This is the end though… of something. I have been “homeless” for seven months, but never without a safe place to lay my head. I have been unemployed, taking work wherever I can get it. I have been below zero on every account. I have suffered, I have succeeded, I have struggled. I have fought my own demons and demons that others throw at me.

To recap I started my year out suicidal trying to get in to a 7 week inpatient program, wondering how I would find a way to survive in this world. When the VA failed to accept me in a program in a timely manner because of their misguided understand about legislation dealing with Reservists, I was guided by my TR family to pursue Save A Warrior. I prayed every day for 6 weeks that I would still be alive when I entered the week long program in Malibu. I was a skeptic, but I knew that something had to change. I put belief in to a program that told me their sole purpose was to help me find me. Oh, how long I had been lost in darkness, clinging to my demons like a dog to it’s bloody chew toy. I took the Leap of Faith and I worked the program. Returning home I found that I had more issues than just what I believed about myself, but also about my environment. I rapidly came to the conclusion that my job had to give. It didn’t matter that I was finally comfortable financially, spiritually that job made me unhealthy. So I took the pause I needed to and decided to take a leap of faith by leaving my job.

Initially the plan was to keep my apartment, but I was unable to find a roommate. This led to me choosing to hit the road. This was right around the time I found that alcohol and I are not sweet friends, we are frenemies of the worst kind. For all the work I have been doing for several years, and all the new things I had learned, alcohol was still a beast within me, too easily consumed, only to lay my life to waste. I made a promise to myself that I would set boundaries, take care of myself, and find my will to live. This meant that alcohol had to go. You don’t realize how much the world revolves around alcohol, until you try to find something to do that doesn’t include drinking. It wasn’t easy, my pride insisted that I was a connoisseur of all forms of alcohol (except rum… terrible sailor… worse pirate). At the beginning of the year I gave up dating and relationships, practicing redirection of my attention and mind from such things. I wanted my will-power back. By the point I gave up alcohol I was 4 months in to sobriety from relationships, which was a miracle since I had still been drinking. Since that time I have stayed sober from alcohol and very occasionally gone on a date, only to discover I wasn’t interested or ready to be back on the field. I have set boundaries in my life for both relationships and with alcohol. I am improving and getting better. Today I can tell you that it’s been eight months and 11 days since my last drink. I couldn’t be more proud of myself.

So as I entered sobriety I hit the road, wondering at what weak moment I would give in to a drink. I surrounded myself with people from each of my different passions and communities. I asked for help before I needed it. I leaned in to the journey and worked on leaning in to the communities. I honestly had no idea what I was doing when I left. I had planned nothing. You’ve read my ups and downs. I was back in Cedar Rapids for almost two months working a retail job for barely minimum wage and received physical therapy. All I could think is that I want to get the hell out dodge, Cedar Rapids was not good for me. I wanted to move on and keep traveling, but it is winter and it is cold out. I have so much I don’t want to give up from the road, but sometimes I find myself very tired of adventuring. I faltered in my steps and really had to rely on myself when some bad news came out of the Save a Warrior program. This led to me rescinding my recommendation of that organization, something that hurt both my pride and my heart. I rapidly had to rely on my self care practices and the knowledge that what I learned and was living did not lose any value because of the actions of a few reckless misleading men. I saw new things arise in Team Rubicon for the better, and have begun to study myself in regards to my position, trying to determine where I belong in this world.

I don’t think I found what I was looking for at all during my adventure, but I found things that I never could have imagined or understood unless I did that. So now I am near Kansas City, working on finding a place to live. I am looking to be stationary, but to never settle. I am also not ending the wanderers guidebook. It will continue, because as I have said many times over the months, you do not have to physically wander to be a wanderer and walk your journey.

As I have written and journeyed I have wondered what it looks like to be a wanderer who is stationary and has to pay the rent. I am not looking forward to renting again, but I am looking forward to what is in store for this coming year. So 2015, goodnight, this is the end to you. You have been so good to, more good than cruel. I have found memories I thought I had lost, and connected with my loved ones in a way I couldn’t imagine. If being 28 in 2015 was this amazing, what will 2016 and turning 29 look like? With each passing moment it all becomes Auld Lang Syne, and the future is full of hope.

Something that occurred to me tonight is that the reason the future should have more power in a persons life is because it is full of hope, which encompasses everything. The past is merely the wake left behind a ship under a moonlit sky. It is visible, both beautiful and painful, but none the less behind you and no longer has control over you. Remember dear wanderers, every day is a day for resolutions and opening new chapters of your book. Every life is a story. I’m telling you mine, who do you tell yours to?

Happy New Year, my dears! Remove the old and replace it with the new. Thank you for following my wonderful journey. This chapter closes with The End. Tomorrow it will begin again.

Signing off Smithville, MO.

IA, Marion

Knee-jerk Reactions = Jerks

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Dear Wanderer, much of this journey is set in having faith in the process of life, yourself, and the community you have built to support you. So what happens when you are jarred by a significantly impactful event, one which has many sides to a story, and which causes your faith to waiver? It becomes a he-said, she-said event, one which only you can make the determination of where YOU lie in this moment.

Knee-jerk reactions make you suppose that the whole journey was for naught. It makes your steps forward falter, and causes doubt to cross your mind. You think that you believed so hard in something and a set of people and now there are fourteen stories, so what do you believe? Should you even continue on a path that has now felt a significant disruption? How do we process this and continue to stay whole? And an even greater question, do we fight? And if we fight, which side do we take?

First I want you to remind yourself that knee-jerk reactions usually end up with someone being the jerk, often it is the person who reacts in this manner. This is a time to process, make no quick judgments, and drop down to meditate. Second, remember that nothing can disrupt your internal journey unless you allow it to. Does this current situation personally alter you? Is the path that you are on a good path for you? Does the implications of negativity which you yourself have not felt stop you from following the path?

In my instance for today, though my heart has been wrenched out of place within my body, and I search for clarity in confusion, the situation does not change my journey. It does not mean that the way I have been living my life is wrong, or that the things I have been taught in any way are altered. Differences of opinion, misdirection, and disruptions to communities will all come and go. It will change things, sometimes significantly. You have no power over these things, except that you do.

So these things have NO POWER OVER YOU… but YOU HAVE POWER OVER THEM. Let’s take a moment to discern how you can have power over a disruptive situation in your community which is not allowed to take control over you. It cannot disrupt you because you (and I) will continue doing what we are already doing to practice self-care. We will take a moment, or twenty, to meditate and ensure we are RIGHT WITH OURSELVES. We will choose to not lend to the fight or allow ourselves to be drug in to the fight. We will choose to lend comfort, support, and extraordinary peace to a chaotic situation. Often the best route is to not participate in the discussion, unless it is to uplift and support those who are looking for peace and clarity in continuing their path.

What else can we do? We were neither in the shoes of Party A or Party B. At some point more information will be shared, that is almost as sure of a thing as the fact I continue to breathe air. Once more information is provided then we can make informed decisions on which direction we may take. In the mean time we can merely care for ourselves and let the Party’s involved share their sides to the story.

The issue is that when incidents occur in life we all feel the need to have an opinion. Opinions are not necessarily based on fact, often they are based on knee-jerk reactions, supposition, or gossip. Do you have first hand knowledge of the situation? Were you standing there watching this complication unfurl? NO? Then I highly suggest whatever your opinions are, you keep them to yourself and do not lend to the muddy waters of disagreement. You are always allowed opinions, but ask yourself if sharing those opinions are in the best interest of others in the community.

Thus far I have written off the supposition that you were not a participant to Party A or B. So what if you are in one of those groups. You were on the ground zero of this issue and you know your facts. How do you handle yourself? With threats, finger pointing, and anger? Or with honest statements of fact, integrity, honor, and transparency? I would hope that you answer the latter. It takes a lot of moral courage to contain your feelings in a situation where you feel wronged, and you feel your community has been wronged. It takes even more moral courage to have integrity and transparency if you are the one that has wronged the community.

As I write this I realize I write it as one side is right and one side is wrong, but then again maybe it is all a gray area. One which I have no ability to discern which is the best avenue to follow.

What I can tell you is that life will bring jarring situations to your door. As a wanderer you have been practicing self care and introspection. Since you know that those are the two things you most have control over, choose to look inward first, before reaction in a knee-jerk manner to an exterior situation.

In all things envelope your community in love and hope. And do your best to ignore knee-jerk reactions, only you can determine if you behave like a jerk or not. I pray you all find peace and solace in being you as you wander.

Signing Off Marion, IA.

CO, Denver

Flood on the Homestead

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It was an ironic day in a way. I woke up with the intention to get so much accomplished today. I needed to revisit my plans, my road map. I needed to invest some time in searching for a job, a place, myself, and yet that is not what the universe had in store for my day. It was a day that started off pretty well. I awoke early, had a cup of coffee, smoked a cigarette, and planned to sing some karaoke on my phone before meditating and really getting moving. I sat in the guest room in my parents basement, singing my heart out. I heard in the background white noise, but thought it to be the heating unit. It is late October after all, so the days are getting chilly. A smell crept up in the short period of time that I sat in the room singing. My initial thought was that it smelled like the first room I lived in when I was in Afghanistan. We had private showers and toilets in our pods, a blessing of working with civilian contractors. Unfortunately, the septic tank had not been placed far enough away from the building, or properly vented. We would smell that septic scent daily, to the extent we went through a lot of deodorizers and eventually had to cover all the drains. So when I smelled that smell again today I chalked it up to a drain in the basement and the wind blowing the wrong way through the pipes. It wasn’t until I got up to refill my coffee that I realized there was water covering the floor in the basement. It ended up being about an inch deep in some places.

Gut reaction was to just start cleaning it up, my big concern was, what did it come from. I stepped next door to the church and interrupted my fathers meeting in order for him to come solve the leak problem. It was at this point that we found out the local sewer workers had somehow backed up the basement toilet. It was sewer water that was all over the floor. My dad, being also a member of TR and all around handy guy, and I jumped into action. We began removing water as quickly as possible. I also began moving things that had not yet been affected by water to higher points or out of the basement completely. Have you ever had your property flood? Or get havoc wrought on it? I have spent a couple of years now being there for the homeowners who suffer from property damage due to disaster. You would think that for an empathetic person such as myself, it would be similar. It’s not. I don’t think that I ever thought it would be the same kind of feeling, but I didn’t much realize how it would feel.

Initially I launched in to auto pilot, very operational. It wasn’t until my mom got home that it became more than just rote behavior. My mom was so upset, I almost failed to serve her emotional needs. That was confusing for me, because she was not a stranger. I thought she would be more like me and my dad were… Just get the job done and move on.

After the fact I realized that both my parents were drastically affected by the possibility of losing so much in their basement. The basement held storage for both of their lives and for all of us kids. My focus started to change, it adapted to figuring out how could I make this easier on my parents. This meant that I started determining how and what to save. I think it helped them, taking care of it as quickly as possible, directing the situation. At least I hope so… It likely was mostly a help for my own psyche.

In the basement was a chair I had stored there from when I lived in Colorado. I have been wanting to recover it for years, but even as it was, it is a perfect reading chair. It soaked up water about an inch up. The water was from the sewer, but didn’t have much visible muck. I want to save the chair. It feels very important for me to save this chair. I love this chair, it’s held me tight as I’ve read away the hours in many apartments. It was probably the most important thing to me in the whole basement.

My dad suggested I get rid of it, that the city would cover me buying a new chair in the clean up settlement. I really want to save this chair.

My dad had an old chest he’s kept most of his life. I never knew what was inside it, until I had to dump the contents out. I prayed the trunk stayed airtight, but it did not. Thankfully not much was damaged. I was a bit surprised to find this relatively good sized trunk was full of paper. Silly drawings from us kids, love notes from family, friends, and parishioners, news articles of good deeds done, and sentimental memorabilia filled this trunk. It made my dad much more human in that moment. If it was possible to love my dad more that day, well it happened.

It was awesome to see the community pitch in and the city of commerce city respond so quickly to our need. I think I learned a bit of humility today, even when leading the charge. It all became more real in the moment I suffered a small disaster. I don’t know what will come of this experience, but I hope it helps make me a more capable servant of those in need during disasters.

For now, I am grateful for my loving family, the fact that everyone is okay physically, and that the water is out of the basement.

Signing off, Commerce City, CO

CA, Long Beach

BAM Loves MEY

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Today I witnessed my sister, Chebe, marry her best friend. There has been something about the journey this summer that came to a culmination in my heart as I stood next to Chebe and heard them speak their vows. I wasn’t a cold person before, but I believe that I suffered from jealousy of what others had that I did not have. The love I have in my heart at this very moment for my sister, her new husband, and his whole family is almost overwhelming.

I have worked the last couple of days to try and help the newly weds not be so stressed. I love helping ensure that weddings go off without a hitch, even if I was jealous that it was not my wedding. This wedding however, the feelings had more to do with how can I be of service to these people that I love? It became overwhelming when upon pausing I realized that it is becoming natural to serve and love without hard feelings of jealousy and selfishness. I had always striven for such a thing, but was so wrapped up in my own imperfections.

During the get to know you time between families I shared about my journey. Each day I get more and more comfortable sharing the ups and the downs of my journey. It is not described as being perfect, but then again it is not described as being miserable. I now admit that I am homeless and unemployed. It is my reality and I am not making excuses for it.

In speaking with one guest, it surprised me at what words caught her in an emotional moment.

Me: “I travel around the country in my car, I don’t live in one place and make money where I can.”

Her: “Who do you travel with?”

Me: “I travel alone and visit people along the way.”

At this point she kept repeating “Alone, you travel alone?”

I didn’t understand at first. I thought her reaction was in regards to my safety, which I have often heard from people. I kept reassuring her I was safe and smart about what I did and where I went. She finally corrected me and told me that she is not concerned for my safety, but she could not imagine being alone for all that time. I haven’t thought about that in a few weeks, the loneliness. I felt it, when I was driving to Oklahoma and when I cried in Ohio… it is that moment where you have only yourself to deal with. She continued on to tell me that she did not like herself, never has, and could not imagine having to be with only herself for all that time.

I remember those days, where I didn’t like myself. There are days still where I am not happy with myself and I would prefer to ignore myself. I have more days where I am just okay being me now. There is success in the journey I am walking. There is also sharing in this journey and the opportunity to make people think about things they maybe would not have thought about.

My sister’s wedding was a joyous occasion. They both know who they are, and they know each other. They are best friends and couldn’t imagine not being together. They each have a personal journey to follow, but know that they will be better and stronger together, rather than apart. I think the answer is that you know when you know. It is instinctual, and amazing. I was glad to celebrate that today and I was glad to share my story with new friends who will stay in touch and follow the journey.

Signing off, Long Beach, CA

CA, Long Beach

Crystal Shop

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In The Alchemist the shepherd finds a crystal shop after he is robbed of everything. This crystal shop gives him a job so he can make the funds he needs to continue searching for his personal legend. I do not know what my personal legend looks like, but I know it is not where I have been.

I have been robbed merely by my own inability to properly balance my funds. I trusted in the fact that some money I am still expecting would come through in time. I do not regret spending the money I did when I felt it was warranted. I took a risk that I found necessary on accommodations. Maybe it was folly to assume that my money would come as I expected it. Maybe a portion of this journey has to do with better handling my money. This week has been a hard one financially.

It is difficult to have others continue to say they wish they were doing what I am doing, when I know that I now have so little. I find myself full of shame for needing to be fully supported by others. I want to be vulnerable, but in my shame and anxiety my tongue turns sharp. I do not wish to be sharp with those I love and interact with, especially because it is not their fault that I am now in this situation.

I feel that I am at a tipping point. I wonder if I should continue on as a beggar, hoping for the good will of others to fund my path? Or should I find a position in order to make money? Then I ask myself, will this position be a Crystal Shop for me, or will it be returning to the painful place I am walking away from?

Over the last week I have sat and looked at jobs, attempted to fill out applications and work on my resume. I falter and feel that I can only fail at trying. It is failing to not even try. But what do I do? How do I keep this journey going?

I feel anger at the world because money is needed, because no one wants to live as I do. Am I starting to regret this? I hope not. I love what I am doing, but it is so hard. I hear the whine in my head as I write those words. I am sitting here looking for my fairy tale story. All the while a part of me is moving my fairy tale, saying it is nothing more than just a dream.

How do I make these hard decisions in life? How do I become miss the person I want to be? What I am doing feels right when I am justifying myself, but in the quiet… I can’t tell you, but knew that it is not as confident as I may let on.

I’ll ponder these difficult thoughts, and hope that I reach a decision which feeds the need of who I am.

Signing off Long Beach, CA

Des Moines, IA

Wanderers plan

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I journeyed to Des Moines for drill earlier this week. The game plan was to kill two Navy Reserve weekends in one week. I have certainly killed them. Drilling in Des Moines is nothing like drilling when I was in Denver. In Denver I was able to work alongside the full time staff. I felt beneficial and worth something. So not only do I not feel useful on my drill weekends, but I felt extremely not useful this week. I sat there staring a computer wondering if this trap would ever end. It is a complete 180 from being on the road, I feel there that I am flying, here I feel like a duck that’s been shot down. I really hate feeling this way. I am constantly full of fear and anxiety. I never know when the other shoe will drop. I really have very little faith left. I am appreciative that they let me reschedule as my weekends tend to be busy with veteran activities. It also means I don’t have to sit around on drill weekends and feel completely useless where people can judge me. Instead I can do it in the silent hum of the empty computer lab.

I have found that this week was good for introspection and planning. Did I mention I am leaving from here to go east? I have never gone east before, by car, to just explore, and without much of a plan at that. Mainly, I know I want to see the cities that I haven’t seen. I have many friends through TR that are willing to put me up, all it took was a facebook status requesting places to crash. I am super excited, but extremely anxious about what this looks like. I was able to use some free time to start detailing this road trip. I now have a plan set up for the next week that is flexible, but is set enough so I can comfortably take off on this trip.

As I have wandered I have gone much by the seat of my pants. There are a few issues with this. The people who I visit are average working adults, so they don’t have drop of a pin flexibility. This causes me to disrupt their schedule when my is altered. I feel shame over this and it makes me question what I am doing. The second issue is that I fear what I do not know, so if I have no plan, I may turn back, or just go in a circle between Iowa and Colorado. Though this could be fine, I would not actually burst my bubble to journey in search of my life. So now I go with a plan that has a reasonable layout, but the expectations are open and flexibility is expected.

So here I sit at the end of the day waiting for it to hit four so I can head out on the road. I am stopping back through Cedar Rapids for the night and then on to Chicago. I am still anxious, and no idea what this will look like, but I am probably more excited than I have ever been, and I have journeyed to many new places and experiences by myself over the years. This time however, it feels completely different and my wild woman is dancing with joy in my soul.

Signing off Des Moines, IA.

IA, Marion

A Refocused Update

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Dear Wanderer, as I travel I find I am refocusing. I am very much consumed with the experience and it has interfered with daily posts. I find that this is more profitable to the journey than trying to focus on what I will share with you next. My goal in writing this for you is so that you can see a journey and hopefully be inspired to invest in yourself and your own journey.

When I last wrote I told you about my Brain. She is such a blessing. I stopped in to Kansas City to hold a booth for Team Rubicon at the Spencer C Duncan Make It Count 5k on August 1st. Spencer was KIA in 2011 and his family and friends have created the Make It Count Project. You can read more about their fantastic organization through their website. They sponsor and support vetted organizations who assist veterans. One of the great things about quality veteran organizations is that they work together with a common purpose in mind… to assist veterans in need. You can read news articles daily about the lack of quality veteran services and programs. There are many organizations who offer services and events for veterans, but it is difficult for each veteran to find an organization which fits there need. There has also been a visible gap in mental health services that actually provide assistance. Organizations like Team Rubicon and Make It Count, among others, are doing what they can, and I can tell you, it’s a hell of a lot.

I traveled back to Cedar Rapids after this. The nice thing about having been gone most of the summer is that my friends in the Cedar Rapids area were very excited to see me. I hate to say that often we are so wrapped up with just surviving in life that we cannot find time to spend together. This week has been one of sitting and sharing about my story, catching up on the lives of my friends, and continuing to build and nurture a lasting friendship with so many people.

This week started month three of the journey. I am semi-accustomed to being on the road and moving from bed to bed. Each day is definitely a new adventure. There are a few things that continue to bother me as I journey.

One of them is that my car is just so crowded. It is great to have essentials for many situations which I imagine may occur, but accessing things in the bottom of all of the stuff is extremely frustrating. I find that I am constantly moving large quantities of stuff around. This was one of the things I was going to be glad to not deal with. I am proud of how much I have gotten rid of so far, but find that I am still unsatisfied with the remainder which overflows my car and fills half a 5×10 storage unit. Since I am back at my “home base” this week I have started going through and getting rid of stuff again. Some of it has been placed in to storage, some of it has been taken to Salvation Army.

I think as a wanderer I am looking to make my burden lighter. One burden I feel is the responsibility to own and take care of stuff. If I can remove the worldly burdens then maybe I can better focus on the burdens I feel within my heart and soul. I know that thus far without having an apartment to clean I appreciate helping with dishes and cleaning of the various homes which have hosted me. I am not struggling to afford an apartment that overwhelms me with responsibility and issues which feel outside of my control. For me, this has been an important step to my journey. This is not of course for every wanderer, because though every story has a similar path, it appears very differently for each person. Search your soul for what makes you happy and prioritize it.

I fell out of school as I was out on operations and traveling. I am quite disappointed in myself and dealing with the emotions that go along with that fact. I have placed a harder financial burden on myself because I failed to make this a priority. Now that I am back in class I need to learn how to accomplish this and still continue my journey. Especially because it is a source of income for me from my GI Bill. So this will be another hiccup in my plan that I will have to work out.

As I move through this journey I am searching for answers to questions that my soul is asking. My lips cannot even form some of these questions because I am also searching for the questions. I do however still hold fast to the fact that something is out there. Something is coming, and I am purposefully moving towards it. It may feel blindly, and it may have bumps, but there is something that I am reaching for.

Till next week.

Signing off Marion, IA.

 

 

 

Paige’s Birthday Party

MO, Peculiar

The Brain

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There is this mystical person in my life, one who exemplifies the positive of human spirit. I call her my Brain. From the moment I met her, I knew that there was a kindred light between us. She rapidly impressed everyone with her will to learn, her ability to recollect, and the fact that she is just plain kick ass. I quickly took her into my life and called her not only friend, but sister-wife. Last year Region 7 spent so much time in the field with disasters that a common thread of people emerged and formed a family.

I don’t know if we are just weird, or if this happens for everyone, but once you spend so much time with a group certain figureheads arise. Suddenly appears deployment parents, spouses, siblings, etc. Brain, V and I so dubbed ourselves TR Sister Wives. It was a joke, initially, but turned to a cozy inside story by the end of my third op last summer. Brain always had her notebook at hand, taking notes on things that you may not think are initially important. Later when the question was asked because the answer forgotten, she’d whip out her notebook and share the details that had been lost to my mind.

When I go through KC I stay with her. We have rituals which involve coffee in the morning (for me) and love notes for her at the end of our time together. I couldn’t be more blessed with better friends than I have found in TR. She is especially at the top of the list. Today was exciting for us because we opted to die our hair. I went bleach blonde and she tried out a new red. She is going to Sturgis this weekend for the first time, and so decided to try something a little radical for her. I think it worked. She has such a joyous spirit, one of loving kindness and service. She will blush when she reads this and think that I am exaggerating, but it’s true. She is my best friend, my sister, my brain. It’s like she is a part of me. If we were not both utterly straight we would probably be a couple, or I would be her stalker… 50/50 shot at that one.

Wanderers, when you find people as special as my Brain, cherish them. Find ways to make sure they know they are amazing, important, and loved. These are the people who bring you back from the brink of insanity and death. These are the people who without even knowing it turn your day the right way. It is not enough to have these people in your life who serve you to make you a better person. Constantly work to ensure that you reciprocate in the best ways possible. I pray constantly that I do this for my Brain, who I feel I could never repay her kindness and friendship enough. Despite my misgivings of failure at friendship, all I can do is work to be as good of a friend to her, as she is to me. Keep that in mind with the people in your life, and practice gratitude and reciprocation for their love.

Signing off from Peculiar, MO.

To Wander is the purpose.