It is important for any wanderer to remember that while wandering, you are not to ignore the “real” world. It is all reality, this trip and the transformation to wanderer is a new reality, but reality is still there. An important question for a wanderer to ask themselves is; What role do I play in the reality which differs from mine?
It may seem quite average and realistic that I would go sit at a conference and share TR’s mission with those who may one day need us or may one day want to join us. It is unsurprising to people in my life that I am here. This is where my wandering interacts with the average everyday world. It may seem that my wandering is not going to be aimlessly lost in the wilderness wandering. It is though. All of life is a wilderness, if you ask me. It is often inhospitable, I commonly wondered if I could survive within it, and it certainly has become more and more uncultivated. It is either a wild world or a savage world.
Obviously I am not trekking off to Mars, or some distant galaxy to escape it. I am merely working to create a wild world within the current savage world. A Wild World is full on intuition, serving others, being expressive, and free, living and breathing. My work with TR over the last 20 months has been wandering as well, it has been a Wild World for me, and my new wandering is merely letting the Wild Woman within take over and show me a whole new world (yes I am humming Aladdin in my head).
So for the new to my life reader… Team Rubicon is a veteran based disaster relief organization. They take the skills and knowledge of veterans, first responders, and civilians and provide them a place to be purposeful in helping communities recover from disaster. That may sound like I stole it from the website. However it is true. It is also a part of my elevator speech when people ask about TR. I have written blogs or short narratives for TR a couple of times on their webpage. So this blog would in theory sound redundant, right? I don’t think so, because a story is like the circulatory system. There is something at the heart of it, with arteries branching out and veins branching back in, constantly moving the story along, even if you can’t always see the other parts.
I heard a speech last year which told this story:
A young man is walking along the ocean and sees a beach on which thousands and thousands of starfish have washed ashore.
Further along he sees an old man, walking slowly and stooping often, picking up one starfish after another and tossing each one gently into the ocean. “Why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?,” he asks.
“Because the sun is up and the tide is going out and if I don’t throw them further in they will die.”
“But, old man, don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it! You can’t possibly save them all, you can’t even save one-tenth of them. In fact, even if you work all day, your efforts won’t make any difference at all.”
The old man listened calmly and then bent down to pick up another starfish and threw it into the sea. “It made a difference to that one.”
After telling this story the speaker said that we each may have been starfish, that the people we can help are starfish. We can’t reach them all, but if we can make a difference for even just one, then we have done well.
The initial reaction for me was that we should save them all. Throwing them back in does not ensure they will not get swept back on to the beach. I felt that in the metaphor we needed to place rocks in their path once they are back in the water, so they have something to cling to, and change the ocean tide so they don’t get thrown back up on the beach. Otherwise why don’t we just let them die on the beach in the first place. I have been accused of being jaded, and that one I could agree with. When I heard the story my heart said “What then?” What happens after the starfish are back on the beach, or once their in the water? Who is caring for them then?
There have been dramatic changes in who I am and how I look at life. I have been wandering the whole time while feeling trapped in a box of work and housekeeping. My mind was wandering, was trying to understand why we can not save them all. I once had this episode of heavy drinking, at the end I was sobbing proclaiming that “I cannot save the world, so what’s the point?” Probably a sign I should quit drinking, but some folks would say that a drunk person can only tell the truth.
My whole life I have been wandering lost trying to find a place where I can make a difference in this world. After my Iraq tour I felt like I would never make a difference and I honestly had stopped caring. I was hurt and broken and wanted the world to go F*** itself. There was still this little light lit inside my soul to help others though. So despite telling myself I was not trying to make the world a better place I became an EMT. I started pre-nursing requisites. I continued to try and make the world a better place. It was the only thing that lifted me out of the darkness of my personal issues.
My wandering brought me to Team Rubicon and TR brought me to organized chaos. Ironically the motto for TR is Bridge the Gap, and chaos is greek for “gaping void”. Therefore they are pretty much the same. And, yes, I am a nerd. TR has not stopped my wandering, in fact it has heightened my ability to wander and opened my eyes to new areas to wander to.
So though I am wandering, I can still go to a conference, and share the amazing story of Team Rubicon. There are days where I hope to one day find a spouse, but in those same moments I know that anyone I date will have to compete with my love for Team Rubicon. So though I sit in anticipation of the day I blog to you from the middle of the forest in my tent, I am content to wander within the reality I love so much and absorb as much as possible of what good reality really does have in store for us.
Signing off from Sioux Falls, SD
So there I am, lost, wondering if my friend has also moved in to the wilderness, and I see this view. At one point I would have gotten back in my car, Facebook-ed something annoying, and blown his phone up waiting for true directions. Instead I snapped some photos and imagined if this were Jurassic Park, what it would look like to see dinosaurs down there. In my mind I could see the brontosaurus dipping its long neck to drink from the water, the triceratops are running on the far grass and there is a rustle in the far trees as the T-Rex waits his turn to drink and eat some prey.
It felt great, I felt strong, I felt capable.
