Wanderer, as I have been sharing my travels thus far I have provided my ups and downs. I have not failed to share with you the struggles of finding oneself. Even in the midst of knowing you are right where you are meant to be, there are still struggles.

There are things that I feel I cannot understand about the process I am going through in my mind. This is an incorrect statement. It is not that I CANNOT… it is that I DO NOT yet understand the gaps in my understanding about my own psyche. Rome was not built in a day, correct? I await the day that I understand more easily the things that I am currently going through. As an infant I did not understand how to use a spoon, I quickly learned, as is my way, and mastered the task. I am sure at the time that I did not yet comprehend how to use the spoon I was as frustrated as I am at this very moment with my own psyche.

Part of this journey is learning who I am inside. When I am in the field with Team Rubicon and we have our ups and our downs I am always sure that this is where I am meant to be. That is not a question for me in the least. I well understand that the mission is difficult and it is also beautiful. Today was just a perfect storm of stupid for me, which was mostly me, and I don’t truly understand.

I have mentioned these two personas which define my internal self, the Wild Woman, and the Bitchy Princess. I don’t know that I saw either one today. Something else was there, and it was me, the start of me. That was difficult to deal with. I also acted poorly in reaction to it. I was tired and busy and so was not conscious of myself coming out. It took a bad turn, and in return I acted in a lower fashion than I wish to act.

It was a day with a tedious difficult interior demolition. Wanderer, keep in mind what I said about the tedious things in life, we must not let them overcome us. We must work through them, because they are necessary to the process. I however today at some point changed and I was not expecting it in the middle of the tedious difficult task at hand. I have this bad habit of getting around men and turning in to a huge flirt. Don’t get me wrong, flirting is fun, I do enjoy it. The issue is that at some point during the autopilot of flirting and cute quips I begin to get stressed out. I ask myself, what does this man want from me? Those who are close to me know of my struggle to not let that question stop me from having positive healthy relationships with men. Unfortunately my psyche has been tuned to answer that question with “sex”. I’ve been down that road and had fun, but also gotten very hurt by my own actions and the reactions that came from them.

Due to my actions I received a gift that while I was dealing with I suddenly no longer had. I leave that story in my past, or for quiet times that I need to share. Just know that there are consequences for your actions, ones that leave scars on your heart.

I have been working so hard to figure out my boundaries, who I am, how to interact normally, soberly with other people. My princess bitch came back around after the part of me that I don’t understand showed up. She told me that this project would fail, that I would not find success. She reminded me this is hard, harder than anything I have ever done, and I don’t even know if it is worth doing.

The funny thing is that every step I have taken with Team Rubicon is one that I didn’t know if the outcome would be worth the cost of going. It always has been. I just don’t want to be that person who isn’t taken seriously because she is so busy flirting or goofing around.

So that part of me which I am just beginning to understand pulled back from flirting, from the childish jokes. Maybe I laughed a little less, didn’t smile as much, but I was focused on the task at hand. I was also focused on my aching body, hard working team, the crazy weather rolling off of Tropical Storm Bill and ensuring it wouldn’t affect us negatively. There were more important things to focus on than witty repertoire.

So then these really caring men kept asking me if I was okay. They kept insisting I was not right today. Wanderers… never ask a woman if she is okay, just attempt to support her, without asking that question. If you’re asking, you already know the answer. So all of this was going on and then it started to pour. I love rain, but only when I am not trying to accomplish a task that is time sensitive due to the nature of our operation. I felt like I was letting everyone on the team down, and I was failing as a leader to my folks. It rolled over me as the clouds rained down buckets on our heads. The road flooded and the thunder rang out. It was a perfect mess both physically and mentally.

I have been blessed with an amazing leadership team around me, and extremely kick ass volunteers. I struggle to let new people in, and so despite the awesomeness of those with me, I started blocking them out. I just wanted to shower and not be soaked head to toe trying to keep two cell phones from getting ruined in the my sprints through the rain and mud. My control freak side kicked in, but I wasn’t peaceful and in control, I was more freak. I know I owe these guys an apology, but I don’t feel that I owe them an explanation in to this very confusing psyche I am in. If they want the full gouge they can read this, I just don’t have it in me to tell my story over and over to new people. I don’t care that they know, but I am choosing to not share my story out loud, until I am ready with each person.

“Warrior Soul with a Servant Heart”. At the end of every operational day, when we sit down for our evening meal, the Incident Command Team debriefs us. We share ups, we share downs, they explain the reasons behind things to us. Often they share inspiration to help carry us through the lows. My good friend, Vince, is a rock star. I adore him like cray-cray. After we had been briefed by each section chief and given our ups for the day, he got up front and read this quote from Buddha that was reminiscent of the Karma quote I shared the other day. He then said that the short and sweet version is that in TR we each have a Warrior’s Soul and a Servants Heart.

Life has this epic way of correlating if you can slow down long enough to notice. I often notice after many reminders, but now that I am meditating and working on slowing down I am catching on quicker. Vince’s words tonight were entirely accurate as to the state of me. My Warrior’s Soul wanted to conquer today, as it often does. My Servant’s Heart however may sing a stronger tune, and so once I got the warrior in me calmed down I was able to access my servant once again. I wonder what happened to my Wild Woman and my Bitchy Princess today, I haven’t felt their absence in a while. In the midst of the task I forgot them. Maybe that is my end game, that they are parts of me, but I don’t define them from one another. Maybe they are my Servant and my Warrior.

I was thinking of considering taking the flirting further or look towards a potential relationship in the near future. I don’t want to put a time line on what I am doing anymore, but I do need to start figuring out how to get to know men without the dirty jokes or inappropriate turn of phrases. Of everything I have left behind me, this may be the most difficult. If things are tough now, just imagine what they will be like when this is truly who I am, so much easier.

In the mean time I best ensure I meditate now and prepare myself to apologize for the angst I caused today. Tomorrow is another long day and I know my team will keep kicking ass. Hopefully I will be a little more stable and better able to lead my team in the best way possible.

Signing off from Operation Double Trouble, Wimberley, TX.

Wanderers, sometimes you need inspiration, so you should just google “daily inspiration”… so today you get “The Law of Karma: Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind. What we sow is what we reap. And when we choose actions that bring happiness and success to others, the fruit of our karma is happiness and success.”

So… What goes around comes back around? Do unto others as you would have done unto you? And if you want someone to help you clean up a disaster, help somebody else do the same? Okay… Okay… I may have made up that last one. As I read that quote all I kept hearing in my head was The Lion King theme song… but I found it ironic that I googled for something inspirational to share with you and this is what it gave me.

I may not agree in the Karmic ideology of reincarnation and such, but I definitely think that you get back what you sow. We choose our actions, our attitudes, and ultimately most everything in our life. Even if we choose to believe in karma, God, buddha, etc, etc, etc.

As a Wanderer you are meant to find your path, figure out what you believe, and determine the choices in your life. Step one to being a wanderer should probably have been: “You need to be ready to accept that the way things have been are not the fault of others.” You CAN choose your destiny, how you look at life, how you respond to life. It is not easy, I won’t lie and tell you it is, but it is freedom. I am full of cliches today… Freedom is never Free. It wasn’t for any soldier, sailor, airman, or marine, and it is not free to a wanderer. You will pay a price to find your freedom.

Part of my price right now is not drinking. As everyone went to the beer tent after a long day of clearing out flood damaged houses they just wanted a beer to relax. I really wanted to join them. I thought about it. I thought about how I made this pledge to myself and I could undo this pledge at a moments notice. It wasn’t anyone elses decision to make. It is MY choice. I didn’t open a beer, I joined them for some quick conversation and then I moved on to my shower and share this with you. I will tell you that I my eyes are a little moist at the moment… not from sorrow… but from knowing that I am making choices which are taking care of ME!

I made the pact with myself at new years to spend this year finding me, loving me, caring for me. It was a high price to pay from “normalcy”. One I constantly struggle with. I stopped dating, I started eating healthier, and made a decent attempt to work out more. I stuck with not dating, and am still working on being more consistent with the others. I did this because I have been through crap with relationships. I know it was never a one sided scenario, but I did not like what I was becoming because of my actions or theirs. It’s hard though, seeing couple together, and knowing I am a solo at the moment. An additional perk to TR is all of these amazing men I get to work with, who are truly something special. They really are upstanding gentlemen, despite the sideways humor.

I have met many more great men and women after two days on this operation and I am not leaving until next week. I will have plenty of stories to tell about the field, but for today I think I have shared my fill.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers as this storm rolls through Texas. All the crews are kicking butt, especially mine. I am extremely blessed to be working with this community and Team Rubicon. There is no place I would rather be. I  love my life.

Signing off from Operation Double Trouble, Wimberley, TX.

Dear Wanderer… life is messy. That is all.

KIDDING!

That is not all. Life, however, is messy. Especially when disaster strikes. It can take many forms from a personal disaster to a community disaster or a national disaster. It is just defined as an event that is catastrophic to a person or people, not based on any government entity. I however have found peace within the chaos of disaster, serving a purpose. Primarily disaster cause by mother nature. She can be beautiful, fierce, and devastating. In this case Hays and Caldwell County Texas were among many counties struck by massive flooding at the end of May. The Team Rubicon Signal was thrown up and Operation Double Trouble was launched upon the storm hitting. I have been blessed enough to be a part of this amazing organization. I came down here knowing that I have learned much in the last 21 months, but not knowing where they needed me. I just knew that I would do whatever task they requested of me upon arrival. I coined a term, or learned it somewhere, called Organized Chaos. That is what I do.

I was assigned Team Lead and given a kick ass team of four guys and sent out with a second team around the same size to tackle a trailer court which had been heavily damaged in the floods. HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY… Jake Wood, CEO of Team Rubicon joined us in the field. We were also lucky enough to have a couple of other kick ass HQ folks with us, they made the day even more rocking! Jake is a rock star in his own right, but he is also totally ordinary. I really look up to him and am so thankful that him and a couple others had this thought that led to the dream I am now living.

The house we were assigned to had already had the interior drywall pulled out. We had some appliances to tackle and the floor needed to be pulled along with the insulation under it. This is my fourth flood operation, but my first time tackling a flooded trailer. The unique thing about every property we work with is that we don’t know how it was built, so we have to understand how to look at it and decide how efficiently to take it out. In this case the floor was made of particle board. Now particle board with damp is relatively easy to pull. In this case the floor had dried and it was back to being hard as a rock. You might wonder why then do we need to pull this apparently rock solid floor? Well in order to properly mold mitigate in the building the floor beams must be exposed to tackle the most convenient place for mold and mildew to lurk in secret.

So we spent the day working our way through cutting and breaking this floor. Between my team and the team we partnered with, we really kick this floors butt. At the end of the day we were all exhausted, but still laughing and loving being with one another.

Wanderers, do not pass up a chance for hard work, especially when you give it freely to help others. At the end of the day you may be exhausted, but it will be that kind of tired that makes life worth living. You have to really dive in, get dirty, throw on a N-95 mask sometimes, and know that no matter what communities can help communities, no matter what form they take. As you wander, build your community, but don’t let the door close on other communities. Our country would become stronger as a whole if we were one giant community of N-95 wearing, hug toting, servants to one another.

So what else can I tell you on a day where so much meant so much to me, but maybe appears so little to you? If you want to help others, help yourself too by providing self care. This does not mean that you should be selfish or self-serving. It means that you take care of you first, like how I spent time doing homework tonight instead of discussing the latest methods of drywall removal. I also took time to take care of my body by showering, using my TENS unit, and applying EO’s for my aching muscles. I took care of my mind by spending time in meditation. I knew these steps would make me better prepared for tomorrow.  They would provide me with the ability to lead and not to just boss people around. I already feel better prepared for the day to come.  Now I can go rest, so that tomorrow I can serve my volunteers, the local community, and myself in the best possible way.

Signing off from Operation Double Trouble Wimberley, TX

Sometimes wanderers travel by different modes of transportation. I have chosen my vehicle as my primary mode with my bicycle attached for fun around town trips as I stop. However today I have ventured to wandering an airport.

The day started out as any other day. I was awoken by Brain with a cup of coffee…. errr… wait… no just any other day. It is a Team Rubicon Leadership conference day and Brain is my bestie! I have fuzzy memories of how it started, but this woman is a blessing. We are inseparable roomies when doing Team Rubicon things together. At some point she figured out the best way to wake me (not a morning person… I’m a morning monster). It was a lovely way to wake up. The ears have improved slightly which was good since I traveled by plane today.

Today was the day I was headed to TEXAS! I have been with TR since October 2013 and this is my 7th disaster operation, but no matter what I always get nervous about what I will encounter. The great thing about TR is that it feels so much like home, but no two days are the same.

About a year and a half ago I had some struggles in my life at a point that I was on a plane for periods of time. I have chosen not to fly since, with only a few exceptions. I am not afraid of planes and the anxiety has nothing to do with airports or planes or anything typical. It just brings back memories. I never seem to remember until I board the plane and the plane fills up and though not claustrophobic I begin to feel like everyone is stealing my air. I popped a couple of my pills that I rarely take anymore and meditated myself into a coma for the short flight to Dallas Love. Once in Dallas we hopped to Austin and grabbed a vehicle down to Wimberley.

Mama C, Mik, and JS were all with me, and we were excited to get down here. I love my R7 crew and was so glad that they were going with me. I never get to spend enough time with them. We picked up two other folks from different regions at the airport and when we made it in to the billets in Wimberley it’s like coming home.

We pull up and some folks were outside, as I get out of the vehicle here comes a HUGE hug from so many of my favorite people. There is a reason this is my 7th operation, because no matter where there are people in need, my Team Rubicon family is there and they always bring the hugs! From the moment that those I knew got done greeting me and giving hugs I started to meet new people too.

Team Rubicon is a lot like the military in many ways, including how you find instant friends. It doesn’t matter what you do elsewhere, here you have a common mission, passion, goal, drive, dream, etc, etc. All that matters is you want to help others, and so we do that together and are fast friends. I may never talk to some of these people ever again. That would be fine, but they all will leave an individual fingerprint on my heart that I will carry with me forever.

Lights out, I better hit my rack!

Signing off from Operation Double Trouble, Wimberley, TX.