I am utterly exhausted. I have done such amazing things this week that have shown me how far I have come within myself. I have seen other people do such amazing things. I am so physically and mentally exhausted that once I fall asleep I wonder if I won’t be able to wake up for yet another day in the field. I am always exhausted by day 10 on ops, but this time I have spent more time being patient and training others, I have not stopped moving except to sleep late at night for 10 days. I have never been a better version of myself than I have been this 10 days. So, I check my “Memories” on Facebook just a few minutes ago, all the while wondering when the tears would come from said exhaustion.
6 years ago today I was finally home from my Iraq tour and trying to figure things out. If you looked at this period of FB you may think me bi-polar. I was sick, and didn’t even know it. I wrote this post, which seems to meet a lot of my current expectations, and many that are not, but most of it… they were lies I wanted to believe about myself. All the while I was lost, so so lost. It was with painful remembrance that I post this, to remind myself that we often lie to ourselves and I am so glad I am moving past this.
25 things I learned about me in the desert
This is that 25 things game… but I am applying it to things I learned in the last year.
1. I am an anger filled hateful negative person… and almost prefer to be that.
2. I CAN change my attitude and choose to control the negative person and be a positive person… but sometimes… sometimes I refuse to make that happen.
3. I always felt that Tori v Victoria, Iowa v Colorado… and other such things were a struggle for me to handle… it felt like two different lives colliding, and I didn’t know where to set my feet down. This is no longer an issue… my life and all I’ve learned has meshed to oneness.
4. God really does have a plan in everything… even if you make a bad decision. He turns mistakes into learning opportunities… and I had many of those while deployed.
5. I am much too much boy crazy for my own good. Which is why I am attempting to stay away from any relationship with a man that is not family or friendship for the next 6 months (even if nobody believes I can do it… including me… I will attempt).
6. The desert made me feel like I always stink… so if any of you think I smell you should tell me. I will probably for a long time, if not for the rest of my life carry body spray in my purse… because I feel stinky all the time. I used to be confident that showering and deoderant and a quick spritz in the morning kept me from smelling… now I am not so sure…
7. Tough Skin… I was way too emotional before… and now my skin is tough. My heart is quite tough too these days… and I am not sure if this is a totally good thing… hopefully it will even out.
8. I am terrible at trusting the right people… I don’t trust those that can be trusted… this probably means I have terrible instincts.
9. I am apparently too nice for my own good… and you all think this gives people the right to walk all over me. I will continue to be too nice for my own good… because it is about the kindness and doing the right thing that I do it for… not about being liked… and maybe a few people will continue to stand up and not walk all over me.
10. Colorado is so my home… and I am glad for stupid teenage decisions that moved me here
11. I don’t want to be in Politics anymore… I want a business degree
12. I will probably spend most of my life focusing on helping others
13. I can discipline myself to do knew things, and to accomplish tasks better.
14. I am finally comfortable just being me… and I don’t care what any of you say about me. I love me.
15. I love eating healthy and organically, and processed foods are seriously like the devils playground.
16. I drank way too much before… for all the wrong reasons. Since getting home (with one nights exception) I have not be over the top plastered… barely tipsy. I should continue to not get drunk
17. I have gotten used to being more quiet and anti-social… I quite like being just left alone.
18. I am not cut out for active duty navy… but will probably stay in the reserves and do deployments… maybe I am a glutten for punishment.
19. I missed baking over the last year more than anything else… and I can’t bake yet, because all my stuff is still packed.
20. I no longer have this urge to save the world that I can’t fulfill… in fact most days I would like to sit in my lifeboat and watch the ship go down… much like the llama’s in Lama’s with Hats 2…
21. I am much more down to earth… my head used to always be in the clouds… but now I just easily ignore those fantasy worlds my head tries to create. Reality is finally something I am willing to cope with.
22. I have faced my darkness and it is scary… I am pretty sure that I even found my insanity… and won.
23. I much prefer 145 degree days over 45 degree days any day… lol. I am not a fan of the cold.
24. I still want more than anything to fall in love and end up with that person… and I don’t think this urge will ever go away till I find that someone. I’ve not found him yet… at least I don’t think so.
25. I like to do things for the rush… sometimes it is just for the reaction of the other person… sometimes it is for my own reaction… good or bad I think the experiences really drive me wild in the end…
With those thoughts, I’ll let you tell me what you think… I remember so well wanting to sit in a lifeboat all by myself and watch the world around me burn and fall to the bottom of an endless ocean… yet so much of this appears positive… I feel for the lost girl I was. And in all my exhaustion I am proud of the girl I am now.
Signing Off Arnold, MO, Operation Ugly Water