Category Archives: MO

Kansas City, MO

I’m Okay, but I’m Not Okay

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Lately I keep saying to myself, ‘I’m not okay, but I’m okay.” Everywhere I go people ask “how are you doing?” This is not because they read my blog or social media posts about my struggles. This is merely because as a society we have been taught that this is how you open a conversation, by showing you want to know about the other persons well-being. It is hard for me because I know if I say I am not okay, or I am shitty, that they will most likely not only want to know more but then also offer advice and ideas. My pain and struggle is really exhausting and so often it seems easier to be alone in order to not get asked this question. I always wonder if the person asking is sincere or not. I hate to tell people I am fine, or okay when in reality I am not.

Much like this Gingerbread, I wonder if they see the real me.

This is why I decided that when people ask me how I am doing I am going to tell them the positive side of things. Or, if I feel really crummy at that moment, I can simply say “I am not okay, but I am okay.” I want to be truthful. I want to be sincere in my answers and my interactions. I also do not want to be a burden on people who are just trying to be polite but not get wrapped in to the situation.

This holiday season I have taken a new spin on treatment for what ails me and have been working to find weird interesting ways to make me more okay than not. Often when people are struggling in life they wear a mask to hide the pain they are feeling. This can be in many forms. For me, it came out in costume.

Elf on the Shelf for a Day

It started when my team decided to “Elf” our supervisor. If you have never been “Elfed” this means that you basically got a Christmas Prank… often dealing with wrapping an entire cubical on paper as well as everything on the desk inside the cubical. When we ran to the store for decorations and paper I saw the elf hat in this photo and just had to have it. Little did I know by the time we were done wrapping the supervisors desk I would have a plan in place to dress like an elf for the big reveal. The problem is that my back has been really bad lately and keeps me from work sometimes, so I missed the big reveal. I didn’t want to skip the outfit even though I was going in late to work. I wanted to feel joyful and silly. So I showed up in costume.

I wish I could live in this outfit!

What may have been a single day thing became a hot topic around the office and my team for what other costumes would be a good idea. This was just a step up from the Unicorn “onesie” (One-piece pajama) I wore on Halloween. While popping in to my local target for a red sweater (for a different costume) I found a pair of red and green striped “onesie” that had a long john look to them. I knew I had to have them for a different elf costume. My one regret is they didn’t have a butt flap like the old school ones. It was super comfortable and I never wanted to take it off. When I got home my original thought was to just wear them at my parents house for Christmas. That was before I realized I needed to get dressed for my teams Christmas party. Sometimes picking the right outfit is so hard, especially that every day since Thanksgiving my pain level has increased. So I threw on this outfit and showed up to surprise my team. They got a huge kick out of it, and it helped me forget the pain in my back, even if just for a little while.

I think some people would say it has turned in to an obsession and I may be spiraling out of control. I don’t think so though. I think this is giving me an opportunity to be the unique positive fun-spirited person I am, instead of the broken sad little girl I feel like a lot these days. You would think that I would stop there, many probably hoped, but I kept going. Monday I wore a green dress with white dots that was last years Christmas dress. I told people I was a Christmas Tree. If I had planned better I would have gotten a star for my head and maybe some garland to wrap around me. That one wasn’t special enough to take a photo in. It was more about my mindset, rather than the reactions of others.

I spent the last few weeks preparing gifts for everyone in my office. I figured I would sneak in early or late and just put a little stocking full of goodies on each desk. Then they asked me to do morning inspiration. Tuesday was supposed to be the day, so I began prepping a Santa costume (hence the red sweater from earlier). Unfortunately my pain got so back Monday night that I visited the local VA ER for assistance and swapped days for inspiration. Even though I was still in pain and feeling really crummy this outfit helped me find a new attitude so I could go to work and not just lay in bed all day. I showed up around lunch time and immediately took my Santa bag from desk to desk saying “Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!” then handed them each a stocking and tried to quickly disappear. It was quite a surprise and delight for everyone, myself included.

I thought I was done, that was the last costume of the season, and I would go back to the normal day to day clothes. As I was driving home that night my pain increased again and I felt very sick. I began to worry about what the holidays would look like for me if I hurt this much. I did not want to revisit the ER, I just want to feel better. As I worked to get my mind to not spiral in the pain I started thinking about How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I have always thought it would be cool to do Cindy Lou Who hair, and have the outfit. So I went straight to the store and started hunting for the right items.

I decided that I would save Cindy for Thursday, so what would I do for Wednesday. I thought long and hard about what Christmas character I had not yet done but would be simple to pull off with normal clothes. I found my answer in reindeer antlers. Not to mention I put together a super cute chocolate brown outfit that I was very comfy in and can wear again. There is just something special about being in the season that has helped me move through the days. The funny thing is that unlike most years, I had to really hunt for reindeer antlers, finally finding them at Walgreens. That was my fifth stop. Just the shopping for the outfits was really therapeutic for me though, so I really enjoyed the challenge and the hunt.

I honestly thought that my Santa outfit was going to be shining glory, the perfect piece. Then I outshone my own ridiculousness with Cindy Lou Who.

I spent more time and effort on building this outfit than the the other five put together. I spent hours sewing the cape and time practicing the hair. It was all worth it. I woke up early this morning, which I hate, and I got ready and hit the road. I was almost late for the morning meeting I was leading and presenting my inspiration at. It would not have been okay, but I would have been okay. I wow’d the office and people on the street with my outfit bringing smiles to so many which lifted me up as well.

Dressed as Cindy Lou Who was the perfect outfit to inspire those in my workplace to choose love not hate. To inspire them to love themselves for they can better love others and begin a spiral effect of everyone loving everyone. It can make the world a better place. In How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Cindy Lou Who was able to show him love and patience while teaching him about community and celebrating. In the end his heart grew three sizes. The Grinch learned to love and Cindy Lou discovered the meaning of Christmas again. The world continues to turn and it is important to not let our emotions or struggles hold us back. This holiday season I have been reminded that life can be light and silly. That I can create my own motivations and treatments based on who I am as a person.

I got to spend a lot of time these last few weeks just really being me and working to feel accepted by who I am within my conservative “adult” community. I brought so many smiles and a lot of joy to people that I encountered, so not only was this tale of how the to help myself heal, but also to help heal other people. Be who you want to be, and nothing more. I know that though I am not okay physically right now, I am still okay. It’s about not giving up, giving in, or surrendering to the darkness.

Merry Christmas!

Original Post on Medium.

Kansas City, MO

Thankful to be a 6/10

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I draw the pain in hopes I can release it.

We are all familiar with the question, “On a scale of 1–10, 10 being the worst pain you’ve ever felt, where is your pain right now?” It is commonly asked by health care providers, even if you’re at a 0. I live at a 3 most days, maybe a 2 if I’m lucky. If I’m unlucky I’m at a 6 or an 8, or stuck in bed or on my floor at a 10. It’s been this way since 2009, when I was in Iraq. My best guess is months of wear and tear just broke something so my shoulder doesn’t work right. There was no significant trauma, oh how I wish there had been.

I’ve been poked and prodded for 7 years. I’ve tried medication and physical therapy. I’ve had test after test. I’ve cried in offices as doctors proclaim that my tests show completely normal, and sometimes really great for someone my age. They’re tears of frustration that I feel the need to explain or apologize for. I wish they would find something wrong.

This pain interferes with my life. I want to feel better, so I spend time at the VA trying to discover what’s going on. It takes a lot out of me to go to the doctor so often. To put myself through tests over and over. To be on medication that helps me forget the pain, as well as everything else, including what I want to order at dinner, 30 seconds after making a decision.

As each specialist tells me they can’t help I look at them with tears in my eyes and ask that they keep trying. I’m only 29, I shouldn’t live in this much pain. It starts in my shoulder blade and effects my whole left arm and shoulder. It often effects my whole back. I’m amazingly strong they say, but it hurts to make the motions to prove my strength.

My pain presents in many ways, even in my imagination.

I was looking forward to Thanksgiving with my family coming to visit. I knew it would be a busy few days, but I’d cleaned and prepped and was ready. Then I woke up on Thanksgiving day to go get them at the airport and my 3 was a 6 with every movement and every breathe. It didn’t get better as the day went on, but I shouldered through (pun intended).

I thought that a good night’s sleep would help. I took my forgetting medication (gabapentin) and tried to forget and to sleep. It didn’t work, I awoke to a 10, feeling crippled. I breathed through it, took my forgetting meds, and prayed I would forget. I forgot except when I tried to check traffic as I drove. I forgot except when I tried to breathe or moved too quickly. In 7 years I’ve gotten used to breathing and moving carefully, but then the forgetting medication makes me forget to be careful.

I found that I spent too much time complaining about my pain, so I don’t mention it, as much, when my hand goes numb or it hurts to breathe. I try to not mention it when I’m having a bad day and can’t get out of bed, or I’m so distracted by it while sitting at my desk at work. I don’t want people to be absorbed with my pain scale, because I don’t want to be absorbed with my pain scale. I don’t want my physical injury to have anymore control over me than I do my mental injuries. So I try to not mention it. I still want people to care though, so I don’t feel alone in my pain, with my demons.

The reason I mention it now is because this thanksgiving, despite the pain, I am very thankful. My family is incredible, and they will listen to me complain and talk about my pain.

My TENS Unit (Electrical Stimulation) Angel.

They will discuss remedies and help me place my TENS unit that I can’t put on correctly by myself. They’ll place the lidocaine patches just so in order to provide the most help. They’ll claim sympathy pains alongside me. They rub my back and carry heavy bags. They do what they can to make me feel better.

I also think about everything I’ve learned in 7 years. I know so much about the human body that it made me a great EMT. I helped people feel better, even if my own pain is mysterious. I’ve learned to set boundaries and to care for myself to try and not cause more pain. I’ve learned it the hard way with chainsaws that cause my muscles to scream and people who now help me not feel compelled to pick up a chainsaw. Being in pain has made me lean on my friends and family for help, and I believe that has made us closer than if I were not injured. It has insisted I give more trust to doctors than I feel I should.

It helps me be grateful for the fact I’m alive. I think about selectively numbing things, if I had no pain, I’d have no pleasure. I think the medication I take to forget makes me funnier, just as much as it embarrasses me. I may be in pain when I breathe, but I’m breathing. I may lay in bed or on my floor for a while when it really hurts, but I have a bed and a floor under a roof.

I think about how when I’m in pain but wanting to still function I can pull it together for minutes at a time to keep going and enjoy my life. How I can accept the pain to feel the pleasure and to control my life instead of the pain controlling me. How I can breathe through it and be more conscious of my body when it hurts. It allows me to work harder to listen to my body.

Yes, I would prefer to live without pain, but I won’t let it control me. I have learned to deal with it, to still be functional and valuable in my disaster relief work. To be honest, open, and transparent with my capabilities and my struggles. For my weakness and my pain I become stronger. For this I am very very thankful.

We should accept our reality, our pain, and our struggle. It does not mean we give up looking for answers and solutions, but it means that we choose to win. We can make the choice to be thankful even in the roughest moments. I am thankful that I can do this, and I am thankful that I can share this with you. I hope it inspires you push through and be thankful even in the depths of pain.

Original Post on Medium.

Kansas City, MO

The Words I Don’t Speak

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I am a woman. A woman who has lived in a mans world for my whole life. When I matured to adulthood I went straight into a field of work that did not have a long history of allowing women, and was still restricted for women in many areas. I sometimes find myself giving the military full credit for the fact that as a woman I feel that I am often under qualified, potentially less than in a crowd of people, and do not speak these words. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I need to give our society at large credit, including the military, for the words that I don’t speak.

I dare not tell you these words, because you will likely call me sensitive. I dare not speak these words because then I will be labeled a drama queen. I dare not share these words for fear of being considered a bitch.

I find that as I reconnect with my wild woman intuition, and find the me that I want to be, I still do not speak these words enough. My words are spoken in small huddles of people, mostly women, that I am close to. They are women who nod their heads, eager to also say the words that they do not speak. We look at stories from our lives to try and understand why we do not speak these words out loud in a group. Even in groups where everything else is safe to say, we do not speak these words.

Fear grips us when we think about the need to shift around a subject or a person for fear of needing to speak the words we do not speak. We speak individually of these things with men who have a special place for us, but we still have fear in our hearts that they will still label or reject us, because it happens. We also do not select just any woman to speak these words with, for as women we have been taught the danger of other women as well. It is difficult because we also know for those we are close with, that their love knows no bounds, but they have also been raised in a society that does not desire us to speak these words and so does not understand us.

I want to tell you these words that I do not speak, but I feel I need to let you in on some other things before you hear the words. I want you to understand that the words I don’t speak should be spoken. That when they are spoken, it is not meant to demean anyone, myself or the person I say them to. It is not meant to offend, cause harm, or cause emotional pain. It does not mean that I don’t like you, love you, or care for you. If it does, then you need to process it, and not put that back on me. Just as we work to teach our children boundaries, I am working to teach myself boundaries. These are words that should be said without hesitation or fear.

Before I tell you these words think back to elementary school days. I recall (and many of you may also) not being allowed to bring birthday party invitations to class, unless I was inviting everyone. I think about this story and I think about what doing that potentially teaches our children. That in group environments, everyone is expected to be just as involved as everyone else or it doesn’t happen. In group environments I am not supposed to set my boundaries with those that I am not close to, for fear of hurting their feelings. In group environments it is better to keep the waters calm, rather than speak the words I need to speak.

So there are words that I do not speak for fear of many things.

I don’t want to be touched right now. No hugs today. No hugs for you. Do not step that close to me. I do not want to talk. Stop. No. I am not interested. I do not want to sit by you. I need space. I need to be alone. I need to slow down for a minute. I need to not rush into things. I want to slow down. I want to not rush things. I know what I need. I am not fine, but I will be okay. Stop. No. I don’t want to. I am not going to. I want space. Leave me alone. I know what I am talking about. Listen to me.

There are many reasons for speaking these words and mostly they have to do with me and my boundaries. I should not fear using these words to set my boundaries. I should not fear social criticism for saying No or don’t touch me. I should not wait until I finally explode with emotion and say these words. No one, male or female, should ever have to live in fear of saying these words in a group or alone. It is not okay. I am not interested in excuses. It does not matter who the person is I am saying them to. What matters is that I am saying them, and the words I say should be honored. I may not say them to everyone in a group, but I shouldn’t be forced to treat everyone with the same level of intimacy that I treat those I am close to.

If I behave in a way that describes these words, then that should also be honored. I should not be forced to say many of these words. A lot of this has to do with not assuming things about a person. It is about respecting them. The saying is not “do unto others as you wish done unto yourself” it is “do unto others as THEY wish done unto themselves.” It is okay to ask permission before touching a person, to have direct conversations about if something is okay or not, if it makes them comfortable or not. Maybe I don’t want to be hugged today even if you hug me every other time, but I should feel that telling you that is not going to damage our relationship. The next step is to let it be, accept the answer, stop asking the questions over and over. I trust you will tell me if you need something, give the same trust to me.

There are many things I have been taught about being a woman, and though I see signs that our society is changing, I am still struggling to change. Many of these are a habit for me. A habit from living in a world where I am expected and told to have a thicker skin or not cry. A habit formed from being called a bitch instead of a leader. A habit formed from being called a prude instead of someone with good boundaries. A habit formed from being taught that kindness and smiling meant I was a whore. From a young age I was taught some things about how to act in society, but they were solidified while in the service.

It’s time we make it normal to speak the words that we do not speak. It is time for those we speak them to, to encourage our actions, and to accept the words we say without excuses. These are the words I don’t easily speak, but I am working to say them because I am important and so are my boundaries. I am not going to stay quiet anymore and I will not allow anyone to call me names. Help me stop making these words so easy to not speak.

Original Post on Medium.

KS, MO

Choose Love, Not Hate… But How?

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One of my tattoos: Ancient Greek, ἀγάπη, agápē, The highest form of love, loving for no other reason than it is right and good to do so.

I am a fan of hashtags. One recent one is #Chooselovenothate. This is my response to the pain I see on social media and in the world around me. I look back at my life and am so thankful that I have found the ability to love in a way that is more than seems humanly possible, but in a world so full of hate, how do we choose love?

Think about someone you are close with that once got angry or mean in a really stressful time. It is understandable that when we are stressed or scared we start to protect ourselves and this comes out as anger or meanness, especially when it is a friend or family member. I had a wise friend once tell me that fear and sadness are the root of anger. I reflected on the anger that I hold within me, and I found this to be true. These are the two reasons why today I became very angry at people that I love very much, not because of who they are, but because of the fear and sadness I had within me.

A lot of my anger stems from my issues in the military. I was taught to fear situations that many who have not walked in my shoes would think are rather uneventful. I am very sad, still to this day and maybe forever, because I live in a world that has left its scars. It’s like a cold and warm front smashing in to each other in my head and anger erupts. There are scars everywhere in the lives of each person, some are deeper than others. Still, how in a world that appears so full of hate, how do we choose love?

Think again about the person who you are close with and that you know they were just having a bad day and trying to protect themselves. Imagine that every person in this world who shows anger, hate, dislike, or is mean is merely trying to protect themselves because they have a fear front that clashed with a sadness front.

Step 1: Remember that each person is dealing with a story inside themselves that we may not be allowed to read.

They are struggling with fears that may or may not be warranted. They may fear something they do not understand, don’t agree with, or that is terribly different from who they are. They may be very sad that they are confused, don’t understand, or do not agree with a situation. Maybe their pride, guilt, or shame gets thrown into the midst. Maybe they have a whole story going on inside them that you or I will never be able to understand. I said it twice for a reason.

Fear, Sadness, Anger, Pride, Guilt, Shame are all normal emotions. Just in case you didn’t hear, they are NORMAL emotions. It is when we allow them to take control that we start to spiral out of control and they become beasts that overwhelm us and cause us to behave in ways that hurt ourselves and others. They say misery loves company, and I only use this old quote because if you think about it, it is really true, about so many different emotions. Misery just happened to get the copyright on it.

Now think of yourself in a moment where you were angry or lashed out at people around you. Afterwards, did you think about it?

I imagine my inner voice when I create.

If you thought about it, did you wish you could have done something different? When I am angry, hateful, spiteful, or just plain mean I hear a voice deep in my heart and soul that is crying for me. For a long time in my life I didn’t care, I never heard this voice. As I began to reconnect with who I wanted to be in life I found that there was this voice hiding behind the shadows in my life. Some people call it a conscience, intuition, angel’s voice, or many other things, I just call her my Wild Woman. Once I started listening to what was going on inside me, I could not turn back.

Step Two: Start listening to the voice inside yourself that says positive things, and encourages love and happiness.

This means you have to start listening to yourself. It looks different for different people. Some people pray because the voice in themselves is God. Some people meditate in order to clear the mind. Some journal or create in order to understand themselves. You have to understand your own emotions in order to better understand others. It’s a practice, not a perfection, by the way. It also looks like whatever it looks like for you. Try different things to begin understanding your own emotions.

You won’t always like what you are hearing, but remind yourself that you are in control over what is going on inside you.

Top left Emotion: Terrified. Center Left Emotion: I got this. Bottom Left Emotion: Wait!?!?! I’m doing what? Right Emotion: I got this, I control me!

The story that you may not share, is that story that you can control. You can throw it out, you can hold on to it, or you can take it and develop it into something more to be who you want to be. You see my last post? I didn’t let the darkness beat me, I found my voice. So can you! Take a leap of faith with me, you won’t even have to be on a 30ish foot pole like I was in this photo collage!

Step Three: Now that you are listening to yourself, tell yourself that you love you.

We are better equipped to love others when we love ourselves. Often anger and hate have little to do with the issue or with the person we lash out at, it has to do with us being unhappy with ourselves. Daily I practice this step, because it is really hard, and I don’t always remember I love myself. The great thing is that we have this Prefrontal Cortex that offers us reasoning (this can be altered in someone with PTSD or brain trauma, but dealing with that is a blog for a different day, maybe next week). So we can logically reason that since we feed, clothe, and provide sleep to our bodies that we actually do love ourselves, even if our emotions don’t jive with the statement. So use that reasoning and tell yourself that you love yourself. In the way that is right because you deserve to be loved, even if maybe you don’t like everything about yourself, you can still love yourself. So say it, go ahead, I’ll wait…

I’m waiting, just like this, right now, I promise. Go on, say you love yourself!

Step Four: Take that love you are practicing on yourself and practice it on others.

This means that you tell yourself you love other people, especially if they are making you want to lash out or are different from you, or make a mistake. You chose to read this article, you chose to pause and tell yourself you love yourself (or you chose not too and rolled your eyes instead!?!?), and you can choose to show love to others. In your head as you internally roll your eyes, remind yourself that you want to live in a world where you are loved no matter what. In order to live in a world like this you must give this love. When you are angry, people get angry back. When you show hate, you are shown hate in return. When you raise your voice the response is in a raised voice also. When you show love, you receive love. When you more easily forgive, you are more easily forgiven.

I have heard the argument that it is not easy to do, or that you can’t choose your emotions or sometimes even your behavior, but I will tell you right now… STOP. Stop telling yourself what you are not able to do anything. Stop being negative about your own abilities. I can sit here and I can tell you these four, seemingly simple steps, because I know that it is not easy at all and I know that it is not impossible. Some people practice a musical instrument, a fitness routine, or some other skill until they become the best that they want or can be. You probably have a practice that you have been practicing your whole life. So why not start this one too?

Step Five: Repeat as Needed

At the core of each of us we want to be loved. This means loving others and loving ourselves. For some this comes easily, for some it comes hard, and for some of us we get lost in between and wander in our shadow. When we are stuck in our shadow and our own story we have a hard time seeing the light and the love that comes with it. Those who want to live in the shadows, they can’t see through it. If you made it this far, then know that you can and will succeed at this. Stories now and forever ago confirm that love is the greatest of all emotions and values in life. You have to journey to get there. I still am, and even on days like today that I want to lash out, instead, I write and create and tell myself I love myself and I love others too much to choose hate. So today I choose love not hate. Will you join me in practicing? Will you choose love not hate?

Original Post on Medium.

 

Kansas City, PTSD, Veteran

This is my PTSD. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

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The Marines have a Rifleman’s Creed that starts “This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine.” My parody is “This is my PTSD. There are many like it, but this one is mine.” I have PTSD, and it doesn’t look like yours, or yours, or yours.

2012 Navy Operational Support Center Denver receiving my second Navy and Marine Corp Achievement Medal
I’m a Navy veteran who has 11 years in the Navy Reserves with two tours under my belt, Iraq and Afghanistan. When I came back from Iraq in 2010, I was not the same person who left a full year before. During my tour, I was not blown up and I didn’t take or give direct fire. So despite having symptoms of mental health issues, I did not seek assistance, because I didn’t feel worthy or that my case was as serious as others. In almost seven years, I learned I was wrong, but I needed to journey to find that answer.

In training for Iraq and while in country, I learned how horrible we can be to one another in the service. I learned when there is nothing else to do, sex or talking about sex is the answer. General Order Number 1 be damned. I had a chief come on to me during training, and when something happened with another female, it turned into an investigation. I was dragged through meeting after meeting with JAG (Judge Advocate General of the Navy), missing important training, all to try and tear my story apart. His charges went nowhere. Privacy is not easy to find in the military, and neither is confidentiality as I learned during this time. It set a tone for my whole deployment.

This was the one job I sat at a desk for in Camp Bucca, Iraq, 2009

It was like living in the worst MTV high school drama you can imagine, where you are the girl that is called “the whore.” Portable toilets were used to share rumors about the females, myself included. I was approached for relationships a lot. This may seem flattering to some, but for me it was overwhelming. I was, and still am, a rule follower. I also was not the popular girl with boys back home, but here I was getting propositioned all the time. I will admit I was not a saint, and I often played along just to try and fit in. It was the world we lived in, I was just trying to survive. Those who I thought were my friends would make excuses and apologies to me for joining in the mocking and gossip about me. I compensated by just trying to play the game.

A few months into being in Iraq, I got really sick with Tonsillitis that was misdiagnosed by the clinic providers. It was a horrible experience. I sought medical treatment only to be turned away and got sicker. Finally, they couldn’t deny my symptoms. They were concerned for my airway, so I got Medevac’d to Germany to get help. During this time my command didn’t check on me, they didn’t stay in touch. A few of my shipmates reached out and told me the rumors that were circulating; I was pregnant by a detainee or local, I had given an STD to a bunch of people, I had gone crazy and pulled a gun on someone. Despite these rumors, I felt the need to prove myself and so turned down the tonsillectomy in order to go back down range with my command. I proved nothing to anyone, but was able to give them more room to create more rumors as to why I was allowed to go back. I was moved from one position to another after that, but something had broken inside of me. I started to isolate and consider how to get out of there. I did not have a good support system in my command and heard about rumors from all levels of the chain of command. There were a few core people left by the last few months of my tour who were the only reason I made it through. We drank Amp, chain-smoked cigarettes, and sang karaoke to get through. None of us could stand that we were still there, but we were fighters, strong women, and we finished the tour and made it home.

Saddam’s Palace at Victory Base in Iraq, 2009

Upon returning home I was different, I continued to isolate myself. I had a hard time trusting even those who I was close to before. Life had really changed in a year for everyone, not just me, and I didn’t know where I fit. This took all of the issues I had in Iraq and compounded them. I couldn’t trust, my health was a risk, and all men were a risk to me. I compensated for a while and through my second tour to Afghanistan, until I couldn’t compensate anymore.

The thing I learned about mental health is that our bodies are incredibly strong and work really hard to compensate and overcome, but at some point, the compensation factor fails from exhaustion. It took until 2013 to finally break down and acknowledge I had issues. I didn’t do it alone though. My civilian employers cared about me, and after my Afghanistan tour, took the time to alert me and give me a chance. I ended up leaving that job and going home to my parents, to grieve and to try to find a new start.

Continuing to serve in a new way has changed the meaning of my life. Operation Steam Wagon, Beaver Crossing, NE May 2014.
People everywhere suffer trauma’s, but together we can overcome and build a new stronger life.

I happened upon several veteran organizations during my multiple breakdowns and they have made a huge difference in my PTSD journey. Within these organizations I have met a multitude of people from different walks of life, both veteran and civilian. It is this collective of people that have provided me insight into how to best reintegrate and also how to cope and manage my PTSD. Without the volunteering opportunities I have had and the wonderful people who have supported me in my journey to good mental health, I don’t know where I would be today. Some organizations have offered me the ability to continue being of service to my community and our entire country. Others have provided me the support and lessons to set boundaries, practice holistic methods of managing symptoms, and allowed me to give myself permission to let go, heal, and move on.

I have stared the possibility of suicide in the face and been able to turn my back on it. I have heard stories of trauma from veterans and non-veterans a like. I have felt love and support in my times of struggle and when I trigger. When I fall on the floor, unable to get up, someone is always there to listen and to give me a hand up. I have learned that there are good men and women who have my back and are not a risk to me. I learned to trust again and what quality leadership looks like. I have learned how to live with a future in sight, and not just day by day.

Being a part of integrated organizations has allowed me to truly move past the labels of being a veteran with PTSD, MST, Anxiety and Panic Attacks and Depression. I can see now that trauma happens to people in all walks of life, and it is not my place to compare my own struggles and trauma with those of others. It allows for me to hold solidarity with everyone I interact with, honoring each person’s journey as unique and important. I hope that they each do the same for me, it is my hope as I share my vulnerability and my struggle with you, here. I may live with my PTSD the rest of my life, but I have found tools to help me remove triggers or manage them. I will continue to overcome with the help from my providers, my community, and those that are closer than family.

I took a literal and metaphorical leap of faith as part of my healing process.
 I am working to move past my symptoms and diagnosis.The largest lesson I learned is we have to stop comparing ourselves to others when we are having mental health issues, especially PTSD, whether we are veteran or not. We have to find ways to take our crisis by the horns and search for our own individual answers with help from our communities and from professionals. We cannot give up hope to a four-letter acronym that tries to define us and compare us to others. We cannot let stigma and the feeling of shame overtake us in our hour of struggle. PTSD is survivable, it is something that we can take control back from. It just takes time and it feels terribly hard, but there are answers for us. There is strength in our weaknesses and answers in the darkness that help us find the light. We can find a way to feed the positive side of ourselves. We can practice things like meditation, mindfulness, yoga, healthy eating, working out, journaling, painting, talking, and even writing blog posts to normalize the fact that shit happens in life, but it doesn’t get to take over us. This is my PTSD. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

Original Post on Medium

MO, St Louis

6 Years Ago Today

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I am utterly exhausted. I have done such amazing things this week that have shown me how far I have come within myself. I have seen other people do such amazing things. I am so physically and mentally exhausted that once I fall asleep I wonder if I won’t be able to wake up for yet another day in the field. I am always exhausted by day 10 on ops, but this time I have spent more time being patient and training others, I have not stopped moving except to sleep late at night for 10 days. I have never been a better version of myself than I have been this 10 days. So, I check my “Memories” on Facebook just a few minutes ago, all the while wondering when the tears would come from said exhaustion.

6 years ago today I was finally home from my Iraq tour and trying to figure things out. If you looked at this period of FB you may think me bi-polar. I was sick, and didn’t even know it. I wrote this post, which seems to meet a lot of my current expectations, and many that are not, but most of it… they were lies I wanted to believe about myself. All the while I was lost, so so lost. It was with painful remembrance that I post this, to remind myself that we often lie to ourselves and I am so glad I am moving past this.

25 things I learned about me in the desert

This is that 25 things game… but I am applying it to things I learned in the last year.

1. I am an anger filled hateful negative person… and almost prefer to be that.

2. I CAN change my attitude and choose to control the negative person and be a positive person… but sometimes… sometimes I refuse to make that happen.

3. I always felt that Tori v Victoria, Iowa v Colorado… and other such things were a struggle for me to handle… it felt like two different lives colliding, and I didn’t know where to set my feet down. This is no longer an issue… my life and all I’ve learned has meshed to oneness.

4. God really does have a plan in everything… even if you make a bad decision. He turns mistakes into learning opportunities… and I had many of those while deployed.

5. I am much too much boy crazy for my own good. Which is why I am attempting to stay away from any relationship with a man that is not family or friendship for the next 6 months (even if nobody believes I can do it… including me… I will attempt).

6. The desert made me feel like I always stink… so if any of you think I smell you should tell me. I will probably for a long time, if not for the rest of my life carry body spray in my purse… because I feel stinky all the time. I used to be confident that showering and deoderant and a quick spritz in the morning kept me from smelling… now I am not so sure…

7. Tough Skin… I was way too emotional before… and now my skin is tough. My heart is quite tough too these days… and I am not sure if this is a totally good thing… hopefully it will even out.

8. I am terrible at trusting the right people… I don’t trust those that can be trusted… this probably means I have terrible instincts.

9. I am apparently too nice for my own good… and you all think this gives people the right to walk all over me. I will continue to be too nice for my own good… because it is about the kindness and doing the right thing that I do it for… not about being liked… and maybe a few people will continue to stand up and not walk all over me.

10. Colorado is so my home… and I am glad for stupid teenage decisions that moved me here

11. I don’t want to be in Politics anymore… I want a business degree

12. I will probably spend most of my life focusing on helping others

13. I can discipline myself to do knew things, and to accomplish tasks better.

14. I am finally comfortable just being me… and I don’t care what any of you say about me. I love me.

15. I love eating healthy and organically, and processed foods are seriously like the devils playground.

16. I drank way too much before… for all the wrong reasons. Since getting home (with one nights exception) I have not be over the top plastered… barely tipsy. I should continue to not get drunk

17. I have gotten used to being more quiet and anti-social… I quite like being just left alone.

18. I am not cut out for active duty navy… but will probably stay in the reserves and do deployments… maybe I am a glutten for punishment.

19. I missed baking over the last year more than anything else… and I can’t bake yet, because all my stuff is still packed.

20. I no longer have this urge to save the world that I can’t fulfill… in fact most days I would like to sit in my lifeboat and watch the ship go down… much like the llama’s in Lama’s with Hats 2…

21. I am much more down to earth… my head used to always be in the clouds… but now I just easily ignore those fantasy worlds my head tries to create. Reality is finally something I am willing to cope with.

22. I have faced my darkness and it is scary… I am pretty sure that I even found my insanity… and won.

23. I much prefer 145 degree days over 45 degree days any day… lol. I am not a fan of the cold.

24. I still want more than anything to fall in love and end up with that person… and I don’t think this urge will ever go away till I find that someone. I’ve not found him yet… at least I don’t think so.

25. I like to do things for the rush… sometimes it is just for the reaction of the other person… sometimes it is for my own reaction… good or bad I think the experiences really drive me wild in the end…

With those thoughts, I’ll let you tell me what you think… I remember so well wanting to sit in a lifeboat all by myself and watch the world around me burn and fall to the bottom of an endless ocean… yet so much of this appears positive… I feel for the lost girl I was. And in all my exhaustion I am proud of the girl I am now.

Signing Off Arnold, MO, Operation Ugly Water

MO, Smithville

The End.

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It is fitting that I sit here and write the end to you on such a prolific night as New Years Eve. Earlier this evening I used my Karaoke app (Sing!) to record myself singing “Auld Lang Syne” with some of the traditional Robert Burns verses in the original Scottish. Ever since I ditched my car on Christmas Eve day I have been dealing with weather related crisis. Either on my own or within the TR region. As I sang Auld Lang Syne over and over practicing the right pronunciation I began to think about the story behind the song. It is a song dedicated to making a decision about remembering the past. The beginning sentences inquire if we should stay acquaintances with these past moments. By the end of the poem/song it comes full circle to drinking a cup of kindness in the pasts memory. It is about moving forward but fondly recalling the past, both the good and bad.

So after the strike of midnight it will be 7 months since I started this journey. I have not always been faithful in posting, but will get caught up eventually. I have made some amazing choices, like quitting my job, and some poor choices, like procrastinating from writing and even meditating daily.

So maybe I have you wondering, is this the end of the wanderer? There must be more to the guidebook than this. This is the end though… of something. I have been “homeless” for seven months, but never without a safe place to lay my head. I have been unemployed, taking work wherever I can get it. I have been below zero on every account. I have suffered, I have succeeded, I have struggled. I have fought my own demons and demons that others throw at me.

To recap I started my year out suicidal trying to get in to a 7 week inpatient program, wondering how I would find a way to survive in this world. When the VA failed to accept me in a program in a timely manner because of their misguided understand about legislation dealing with Reservists, I was guided by my TR family to pursue Save A Warrior. I prayed every day for 6 weeks that I would still be alive when I entered the week long program in Malibu. I was a skeptic, but I knew that something had to change. I put belief in to a program that told me their sole purpose was to help me find me. Oh, how long I had been lost in darkness, clinging to my demons like a dog to it’s bloody chew toy. I took the Leap of Faith and I worked the program. Returning home I found that I had more issues than just what I believed about myself, but also about my environment. I rapidly came to the conclusion that my job had to give. It didn’t matter that I was finally comfortable financially, spiritually that job made me unhealthy. So I took the pause I needed to and decided to take a leap of faith by leaving my job.

Initially the plan was to keep my apartment, but I was unable to find a roommate. This led to me choosing to hit the road. This was right around the time I found that alcohol and I are not sweet friends, we are frenemies of the worst kind. For all the work I have been doing for several years, and all the new things I had learned, alcohol was still a beast within me, too easily consumed, only to lay my life to waste. I made a promise to myself that I would set boundaries, take care of myself, and find my will to live. This meant that alcohol had to go. You don’t realize how much the world revolves around alcohol, until you try to find something to do that doesn’t include drinking. It wasn’t easy, my pride insisted that I was a connoisseur of all forms of alcohol (except rum… terrible sailor… worse pirate). At the beginning of the year I gave up dating and relationships, practicing redirection of my attention and mind from such things. I wanted my will-power back. By the point I gave up alcohol I was 4 months in to sobriety from relationships, which was a miracle since I had still been drinking. Since that time I have stayed sober from alcohol and very occasionally gone on a date, only to discover I wasn’t interested or ready to be back on the field. I have set boundaries in my life for both relationships and with alcohol. I am improving and getting better. Today I can tell you that it’s been eight months and 11 days since my last drink. I couldn’t be more proud of myself.

So as I entered sobriety I hit the road, wondering at what weak moment I would give in to a drink. I surrounded myself with people from each of my different passions and communities. I asked for help before I needed it. I leaned in to the journey and worked on leaning in to the communities. I honestly had no idea what I was doing when I left. I had planned nothing. You’ve read my ups and downs. I was back in Cedar Rapids for almost two months working a retail job for barely minimum wage and received physical therapy. All I could think is that I want to get the hell out dodge, Cedar Rapids was not good for me. I wanted to move on and keep traveling, but it is winter and it is cold out. I have so much I don’t want to give up from the road, but sometimes I find myself very tired of adventuring. I faltered in my steps and really had to rely on myself when some bad news came out of the Save a Warrior program. This led to me rescinding my recommendation of that organization, something that hurt both my pride and my heart. I rapidly had to rely on my self care practices and the knowledge that what I learned and was living did not lose any value because of the actions of a few reckless misleading men. I saw new things arise in Team Rubicon for the better, and have begun to study myself in regards to my position, trying to determine where I belong in this world.

I don’t think I found what I was looking for at all during my adventure, but I found things that I never could have imagined or understood unless I did that. So now I am near Kansas City, working on finding a place to live. I am looking to be stationary, but to never settle. I am also not ending the wanderers guidebook. It will continue, because as I have said many times over the months, you do not have to physically wander to be a wanderer and walk your journey.

As I have written and journeyed I have wondered what it looks like to be a wanderer who is stationary and has to pay the rent. I am not looking forward to renting again, but I am looking forward to what is in store for this coming year. So 2015, goodnight, this is the end to you. You have been so good to, more good than cruel. I have found memories I thought I had lost, and connected with my loved ones in a way I couldn’t imagine. If being 28 in 2015 was this amazing, what will 2016 and turning 29 look like? With each passing moment it all becomes Auld Lang Syne, and the future is full of hope.

Something that occurred to me tonight is that the reason the future should have more power in a persons life is because it is full of hope, which encompasses everything. The past is merely the wake left behind a ship under a moonlit sky. It is visible, both beautiful and painful, but none the less behind you and no longer has control over you. Remember dear wanderers, every day is a day for resolutions and opening new chapters of your book. Every life is a story. I’m telling you mine, who do you tell yours to?

Happy New Year, my dears! Remove the old and replace it with the new. Thank you for following my wonderful journey. This chapter closes with The End. Tomorrow it will begin again.

Signing off Smithville, MO.

MO, Peculiar

The Brain

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There is this mystical person in my life, one who exemplifies the positive of human spirit. I call her my Brain. From the moment I met her, I knew that there was a kindred light between us. She rapidly impressed everyone with her will to learn, her ability to recollect, and the fact that she is just plain kick ass. I quickly took her into my life and called her not only friend, but sister-wife. Last year Region 7 spent so much time in the field with disasters that a common thread of people emerged and formed a family.

I don’t know if we are just weird, or if this happens for everyone, but once you spend so much time with a group certain figureheads arise. Suddenly appears deployment parents, spouses, siblings, etc. Brain, V and I so dubbed ourselves TR Sister Wives. It was a joke, initially, but turned to a cozy inside story by the end of my third op last summer. Brain always had her notebook at hand, taking notes on things that you may not think are initially important. Later when the question was asked because the answer forgotten, she’d whip out her notebook and share the details that had been lost to my mind.

When I go through KC I stay with her. We have rituals which involve coffee in the morning (for me) and love notes for her at the end of our time together. I couldn’t be more blessed with better friends than I have found in TR. She is especially at the top of the list. Today was exciting for us because we opted to die our hair. I went bleach blonde and she tried out a new red. She is going to Sturgis this weekend for the first time, and so decided to try something a little radical for her. I think it worked. She has such a joyous spirit, one of loving kindness and service. She will blush when she reads this and think that I am exaggerating, but it’s true. She is my best friend, my sister, my brain. It’s like she is a part of me. If we were not both utterly straight we would probably be a couple, or I would be her stalker… 50/50 shot at that one.

Wanderers, when you find people as special as my Brain, cherish them. Find ways to make sure they know they are amazing, important, and loved. These are the people who bring you back from the brink of insanity and death. These are the people who without even knowing it turn your day the right way. It is not enough to have these people in your life who serve you to make you a better person. Constantly work to ensure that you reciprocate in the best ways possible. I pray constantly that I do this for my Brain, who I feel I could never repay her kindness and friendship enough. Despite my misgivings of failure at friendship, all I can do is work to be as good of a friend to her, as she is to me. Keep that in mind with the people in your life, and practice gratitude and reciprocation for their love.

Signing off from Peculiar, MO.

MO, Peculiar

Back in the swing

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I took a bit of a step back from TR after we went to Independence, MO. I had been running hard core for a month, and knew I needed to take some me time. So here I am a month later, returning in to the swing of things. I went to KC from OKC this morning to have a meeting with a local company we partner with. It was nice to hop back in to the swing of things and make the connection to further the mission in Region 7. I had the opportunity to see my peer leaders and continue charging forward.

It was a productive day. The drive from OKC was not very long, and I had plenty of time to freshen up before our meeting. Overall today was unexciting, except that new information is always exciting. It helps keep our torch burning. Being empowered with more information is always beneficial. Unfortunately, I felt that others were charging harder than I. I missed being in the swing of things, but I know that this past month has been important for my self-care and my mission to discover my purpose and place.

I am still missing that road map, but hopefully some time spent in KC with my TRibe will reconnect me and maybe lay out a plan.

Signing off from Peculiar, MO.

Independence, MO

Never Ford the River

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In Oregon Trail you never forded the river unless you absolutely had to. Many an Oregon Trail joke has been made this summer, let alone this week. Earlier this summer I went Buffalo Hunting. I suppose wandering has just made me feel like I am on the open trail. Except with less dysentery and no snake bites thus far. It is amazing who gets my OT references and who does not. If I have to explain it to you then may you should just ask The Great Google, ha ha ha.

So what happened today on my version of the Oregon Trail? Or what fantastic things did I learn? I had my Chi recentered, which was interesting. We also accomplished a large portion of assessments and knocked out large areas of the grid. I left myself with a more manageable goal for today, to just accomplish door to door assessments. We have settled on a collaboration between the Southern Baptists Chainsaw Crews, Americorp, and TR. Americorp is manning the phones, TR will perform assessments, and SB will do the cutting. The SB has a pretty large number of chainsaw trained people. They have also been doing this for a number of years. We will reach that stage in the coming years. It is a great partnership that has left us ready to pull out tomorrow. The Southern Baptists have local crews who plan to continue working the assessments we have already received. Tomorrow morning the rest of us are pulling up stakes. I always find it comforting when different non-governmental organizations can work together as a team.

As we draw to an end on this short lived operation I am not sure what is in store for me next. I honestly was excited to hit the open road on my own, but now I don’t know where to go. It hurts my heart a little, wondering what the next stop in the road is for me. Without an operation, or a job, or an apartment to call my own… what do I do now?

You thought I had this all figured out, didn’t you? It’s been so peachy keen thus far, because I have just been following the storms. Now is the real challenge. Now I will really start figuring out who I am. And you know what… I’ll figure it out tomorrow. Goodnight!

Signing off from Independence, MO