I think thus far I have heard the word ENVY as often as I have heard the word WORRY when it comes to what I am doing. Ironically often those words are from the same people. I just remind them that the grass is always greener on the other side. If they truly wanted to do what I am doing, then they can wander without traveling. They can wander in the depths of their souls and search out how to be happy.

The first tool to being happy is to accept your circumstances. I honestly would not be on this physical journey if I could not accept some circumstances and change others. I had a room mate bail, which left me with an issue about keeping an apartment. At the point that I would have fallen apart from that, instead I just redirected my plans to include no apartment. I had a job that I just struggled at because I preferred to be elsewhere and so I changed my circumstances. Each person can do that without being so drastic as to up and travel with all their necessary possessions in their car.

I however am walking in Blue Grass… not green. So the grass is always greener on the other side, but I prefer my blue grass. Though anyone can do what I am doing, I am working on doing it in a way that others aren’t used to. It is not to be understood, envied, or worried about. As I said earlier this week, everything happens for a reason. I look at my life right now, how I feel, what the world looks and sounds like after the last week and I find that I am at peace in a way which I have never found.

My heart has stilled, as has my mind, I am not rushing off to accomplish things that seem overwhelming. I had to remove almost everything in order to still my life. I don’t want green grass, I learned that many months ago. Green grass does not work for me. However I would love for everyone to join me in the blue grass, in whatever way that looks like for them. There is no reason we should not all find peace in our lives. This is not a race. It is a journey.

Tonight is my last night in the Cedar Rapids area for a while. I look forward to beginning my real travels tomorrow and have loved have this short period of time to warm to the idea. It is exciting to know that tomorrow… tomorrow I won’t be signing off from Marion, IA. Till then!

Signing off from Marion, IA.

Today I drove two hours to make a 45 minute stop and drive back two hours. The drive felt like such a short period of time. As I am wandering in my vehicle it feels that me and my vehicle are becoming one. It is effortless to hop in the car and drive, all the while enjoying the beauty of the world around me. Once upon a time, not so long ago, I was not able to just get in the car and enjoy the music and the open road. It was always running from something, or hurrying towards something. Even the trip to Sioux Falls and back, it felt like I was on a time table. I had a little bit of leeway to enjoy the falls (pictures are posted!), but otherwise that was 400 straight hard core miles.

I want to enjoy my drives. I am heading out in a few days and I plan to take two days to go 350 miles. It might sound silly, but I am forcing myself to slow down enough and enjoy my life, the sights, the people I visit. It is not a race, we each reach the finish line when it is our time.

Today’s trip was significant in the fact that I found out I am still on the hook to the Navy Reserves for a few more months. I have had a lot of heart break in regards to my service, but more proud moments than sad. However it has been a while since I have been able to recall those proud moments. Mostly I have felt jaded, bruised, abused, and rejected by a system that I loved with all of my heart. I was not loyal in the standard definition, but I certainly was good at following orders and excelled at caring for my sailors, so showed a form of loyalty that I may not have felt, even through the hard times. I did my job with pride and was willing to fight and die for anyone I deployed with. I could drag up my baggage about how it felt like no one had my six (watched my back) or how they mentally injured me on my first tour, but I won’t. You want to hear some dark and twisty story of a tour gone awry and a young girl damaged? Well sorry, this is a story of hope, one that I choose for myself.

I lived inside that dark twisty story for many years. It drove me to do things I was not proud of, it made excuses for being someone who did not feel like me. It was a place where the predator inside me was able to come out and wreak havoc on the world around me. It ruined my love for the Navy. Ironically as I lost my love for the Navy I fell more in love with the twisty dark veterans I was meeting. We found consolation in each others arms and stories. At some point though, we all have started moving on. We still share stories, we still tell our dark and twisty in the deep shadows after a long days work, but we are doing so to figure out how to get better, how to be better. As I am transitioning out of the Navy the positives have started coming back to me, and the dark twisty things have taken on the hue of an old scar. I made my decision about being done with the Navy, and as I walked into that reserve center today I realized that I truly had made a great decision for myself.

It didn’t destroy me to know that I have to check in for a few more months, or that I have to wait for their processes to occur. I have moved on, whether the ink has dried yet or not. I am moving on. I am wandering. I am moving forward. The Commanding Officer said to me that he understood my decision and respected that I was doing what was right for me. That meant a lot. It is hard to close that chapter after a decade, but when the ink dries. I will be okay, because I am ready for this. I am a wanderer. I am healing.

Signing off from Cedar Rapids, IA

When wandering there will be moments that are upsetting or discombobulating. You will wonder if you should turn back. Take a different path. Run the other direction. It is in that moment of wandering that you realize you need to slow down. It is time to stop, no steps back, no running, just sit down for a bit. PAUSE.

Whatever horrors or beauties your life has seen to bring you to the point of wandering, you have no need to go back. You are most likely right where you need to be. Always remember that everything happens for a reason, especially when wandering. Wanderers are trusting God, their environment, their support system to help guide them to things that are meant to happen for them.

I love Robert Frost, he wrote a poem that you are certainly familiar with. The Road Not Taken… I won’t quote it to you here. Many people are familiar with the beginning and the ending. The middle is where the wanderer stands, looks at both avenues and has to make a decision. So if you are wandering, which road do you take? The commonly tread path or the overgrown forgotten path? There is no wrong answer, because everything happens for a reason.

Robert Frost indicates that because of how life occurs there is no going back and taking the other path. So when you decide your path, you cannot turn back and take a different direction, you can merely branch at the next fork. You most certainly can sit at that fork and take a pause before making a decision.

I am on the precipice overlooking a deep decent into something that others do not understand. The words of concern, worry, stress, and fear that my loved ones have shared with me make me want to turn back. Make me want to not take the road less traveled, make me not want to leap. In my heart of hearts, my wild woman dances and exclaims in joy at what I am doing. So when it comes down to it, I love my support group, but I am taking the road less traveled and I know it is perfectly fine because everything happens for a reason.

I am a wanderer, because I don’t understand the reasons, but life is happening and I am learning to pause instead of react, and it has made all the difference.

Signing off from Marion, IA.

When a person is wandering sometimes they will not appear to be doing much. Americans are notorious for always doing something. Always shopping or working or watching movies, etc etc. While at Save a Warrior I learned that for good mental health and self-care a person needs to pause in life. They suggest pausing daily for meditation. They also suggest that when things are busy to ensure you stop and pause.

After the emotional high I had this week I definitely needed a pause. Time where I am doing nothing, but just being. So that is what today is. I have spent my day pausing. Enjoying. When I purposefully slow down enough things start to smell differently and look differently.

I went to a community dinner and helped clean up after people finished eating. It was a day of just slowing down enough and facing some social anxiety and meeting new people. It felt good to go and do something for others in the community. It was super random too, I just showed up, introduced myself and asked to help.

When wandering, expect to be a little boring. Not everyday is going to be waterfalls and conferences. I mean that stuff is exciting, but when you are wandering you are searching how to live a more peaceful and ordinary life. So there will be some boredom and moments of pause that seem extremely dull.

While wandering, when I pause, I can enjoy the stories of others. When I was in middle school I had a friend, S, who was home schooled. We moved after a couple of years and thanks to the wonders of Facebook she reconnected with me after high school. I adore her and through her have gotten to know her sister K. I have been enjoying the use of my K’s couch, where I have taken some time today to just pause. She is a wonderful mother and Hair Stylist. I really enjoyed her friendship before this, which has been budding over the past several months. Now that I am staying with her for a bit I am getting to know her better. I can see what a beautiful heart she has. She opened up her doors to me when I told her of my crazy plan to wander. She has been completely supportive and excited for me. I really appreciate how awesome she is. She is a single mom of two beautiful girls who are a reflection of what an amazing mom she is and the family she comes from.

I had the opportunity earlier in the week to watch the girls, M and E. M tells me… I’m going to marry a daddy someday. Because I want to be a mommy when I grow up, I want to play with my kids and cook food. Would you want to be a mommy someday? I said yes and she said, would you be a mommy who works or doesn’t work? I said I would probably work too. She said, that’s okay, I would do the same thing.

E is a couple of years older than M. I was doing dishes and E insisted that they help me rinse and dry the dishes. M wasn’t up for it, but E jumped right in splashing water all over the kitchen. She was so proud that she got to help wash the dishes. There was so much respect and joy in this little girl.

My experience watching the girls reminded me about how I want to have kids of my own one day. Seeing as I am choosing to not date at this time, I know that it won’t be happening soon. I truly hope that when I have kids one day I can raise them as well as K has raised her girls. It truly is a joy to be able to stay with my friend, and I can’t wait to move on and visit more friends.

I definitely have to say that the best part of wandering is being able to pause as much as I want or need. Today was a day where I could just be. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow has in store.

Signing off from Marion, IA

When one begins to wander they will experience a multitude of things. There will be a major financial shift, to ensure that bills are still paid, but that one is free enough to wander. There will be a social shift, leaving friends behind, going to see friends who are spread across the county, and making many new friends. There will be an emotional shift as well.

You can wander in life while having an apartment and a day job. The curse is, if they are consuming you, then you are truly not wandering anymore. I have a pretty mean anxiety issue, so getting rid of those two things would in theory lessen my anxiety. There is a hardship to wandering. It is not simply throwing off the old rags and donning new beautiful robes of peace and introspection. It is hard work to learn to care for oneself after so long of just going with the flow. The anxiety does not just go out the window along with certain responsibilities. It is not because of others, it is because of how I function that I have anxiety. I have to retrain myself to function in a new way.

I struggle to be able to define who I am other than by what I do. This week I have been on a high with new experiences. My emotions have run deep. I have found myself bored, definitely lost, not knowing what to do next, and even wanting to turn back time and return to the safety of a 9-5 and $500 apartment.

I won’t lie. I have been trying to meditate daily for months and have not been perfect. I need to meditate though, it helps significantly. I am getting back in to it, but it will take time for my brain to change again, meditation is not a quick fix. It takes consistency and commitment to do it daily. This morning I meditated at the Falls in Sioux Falls, SD. Did you ever consider that there are actual falls there??? Turns out I had not until someone mentioned it, then I realized of course! So I visited and meditated. All felt right with the world. My inner Wild Woman was dancing in the sound of the falls and the birds in the trees. Then I got in the car and started the 6 hours drive back to Cedar Rapids to swap out cars. I was on a life high.

I love Team Rubicon and sharing our story. It always shocks me how much of an impact my words can have on others. I am often cocky to cover up my lack of confidence. Now I am just trying to be honest and I guess that makes me more confident than I feel. It was a good couple of days. As I was driving home I was enjoying the sun in the sky, the use of a rental car blue tooth, and the fact that I was on the road. It seemed so blissful.

At some point it occurred to me the date and that I was expecting a phone call with some news about a position I very much desired. As the hours passed and the phone call did not come my anxiety heightened. My Bitchy Princess managed to lock the Wild Woman in a cage and was taunting me about my qualifications and capabilities. The Bitchy Princess is not a very good person. SERIOUSLY! If you could be inside my mind you would think I live a soap opera. Here is this picture in my head of this wild woman who looks like a wood nymph being trapped in a steel cage while this evil looking Princess Peach was dancing around her taunting. I could hear my Wild Woman underneath the Bitchy Princess. The taunting was loud, but I worked on tuning her out. I was struggling to not give in to the Bitchy Princess who’s best suggestion was for me to go hit the bar. I stopped drinking 47 days ago, and it’s not been easy, but it’s been right for me. The last thing I need is to give up on myself. Which is what I am very used to doing and that is why I don’t want to drink anymore. I drank because I didn’t care about myself, I just wanted to give up on myself.

I AM CHOOSING LIFE NOW! I want to care about myself, even when that Bitchy Princess tells me not to. There are so many people who care about me and won’t give up on me, why should I not be one of them? I value others so much more than myself, but if I don’t care for myself then I cannot truly help others, now can I? These are the emotions I was dealing with before I began this journey. The reason I am now wandering is because I am looking for the space to find these answers in myself and make them the better answers. I’ll never have a perfect psyche, but at least I can choose to believe in my extraordinary self.

So to lessen my anxiety I spent some time with people I know, completely sober, and I shared what was on my heart and how I know that things happen for a reason and it won’t stop me from being who I am to not get this position. I still had not received word one way or the other, but I was fantastic at making myself feel like the worse candidate for any job ever. As I was getting ready to leave my friends I got a call. I saw the number and wondered what I was going to hear when I answered. It was the comforting voice of the person I was hoping to hear from. He was calling to inform me that I was not selected for the position. The thing is, now that I knew, I had no more anxiety. It was definitive. I had no issue accepting the answer, but the waiting is what I am terrible at. I extremely respect the man who called and he was so gracious and is a great mentor. It was not a terrible phone call, and does not change what I plan to do with my life.

After I hung up the phone I realized just how tired I have been for weeks, telling myself I hadn’t gotten my hopes up, and then of course I was let down. I had so secretly gotten my hopes up that I didn’t feel I could call anyone when I was anxious. It took a lot for me to go see the people I saw instead of going to a bar. They are awesome and support me though, so many people support me in this journey I am making.

I may not have gotten this position, but there will come a time for another position that I am right for. In the mean time I cannot let me ego and bitchy princess over shadow the amazing work I have done this week to help other people, or the honors I have been given in being asked to speak to groups or return to a conference. Everything happens for a reason. I don’t know what will happen instead, but at the end of the day… my people were still there, still holding my hand, still loving on me. I am still who I am, and the anxiety was merely for a moment compared to my whole life. So through this process my emotions will wander, and I will have more days such as this which feel like a rocky road.

However I am walking in grass that is blue and not green, many won’t understand, but some will walk my path with me, or support me from their side of the fence. When you wander and remove the average and the normal from your life and just plan to be a Wild person, and no longer a savage person, then emotions are normal and life is okay.

Signing off from Marion, IA.

“It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and soulful kinship one requires” – Women Who Run With the Wolves

A wanderer is not something that someone suddenly becomes out of nowhere. I believe that if you wish to wander, look back at your life and realize that many times you have wandered, but then always gone back to where you were expected to be. I wandered on to a FOB (Forward Operating Base) where Team Rubicon  was getting ready to help flood victims in Lyons, CO, and fell in love with an amazing organization. As a kid I would wander in the woods, or the library, or wherever I felt like. I believe I was always meant to wander, free, flying, enjoying. Somewhere along the path to adulthood I lost that intuition, that soulful wandering which made me feel alive.

In an effort to over come a multitude of health issues, both physical and mental, I have wandered in to many a program, office, and support group. In February I wandered in to Save A Warrior in Malibu California. I could spend hours defining what they helped me figure out for myself, and as I wander I will share many of those tales. Today’s story is more about why I wander, and it may resound with you and make you want to revisit your wandering self.

There was this Recreational Therapy exercise, where I had to climb a 30′ pole (hooked into a harness) and jump towards a trapeze bar. Below were two people belaying me, people I chose to be my support system over the coming year. Before going up I was asked, “What do you plan to leave behind you when you start climbing?” I knew that question was coming and kept thinking of the things in my past I wanted to leave behind. All those nasty habits and traits which were not who I wanted to be. I told them that I wanted to leave behind the Bitchy Princess who has bitter words for those who try to help, and tells me constantly that one day I will kill myself. She believes that in this world there is nothing good and there is no point. I chose to not let her have control anymore. I was going to jump free of her. My instructors response was that my Bitchy Princess was not going to go without a fight. It may feel like she is gone, but she will stick her ugly opinions in when I least expect them. He said that this leap was my first step towards removing her from my life.

I climbed that pole with such certainty of what I was doing. It made sense, it felt right, I was just going to go up to the top and I was going to jump, no need to think it over, no need to be afraid. I reached the top of that pole and with all the bravado and ego I had in me made a good show by immediately sitting on the top of the pole.

It felt great, I felt strong, I felt capable.

 So picture this, sitting 30′ in the air, facing the Pacific Ocean as the sun was just beginning to set, everything seemed right and possible with the world. Then someone yells “Hey Vic, now you have to stand up!”

WHOOSH. Out goes all that bravado and ego inside of me, and I begin to shake. Now was the real test, not the climb up the pole, not sitting on the top enjoying the view, but standing on my own two feet on what felt like an earthquake. I am not sure what made the pole shake more, me or the wind that day. I got to my feet and stood there, putting my arms out to my sides, soaking in the rays.

Then comes the cheer from beneath me as they tell me to let them know when I am ready to jump. I had to take a few breathes, and then a few more breathes. I considered turning around, sitting back down, climbing back down the pole. I also knew that after so many months of work that if I turned around that was probably it for me. If I couldn’t face leaving my Bitchy Princess behind and moving forward with new information and a new path, then there really was no hope for me.

I closed my eyes when I finally jumped. I tipped the trapeze bar, which in itself is a story you will hear at another time. Jumping from that pole and leaving my bitchy princess security guard behind me was okay, because I was flying and I was learning to trust not only other people, but also myself.

I learned many lessons that week, but two of the most important came from this exercise. I learned that it is okay to trust other people. More importantly, I learned what it felt like to fly, be free, and leave the shit at the bottom of the pole while I just fly.

Upon returning home I realized that I would not stay aloft in the air, like in this picture, if I didn’t start doing things completely different in my life. I have shared this story often and it always ends with “And then I flew… and it has made all the difference.”

There is just one rule, and honestly, it’s more of a guideline.

MAKE THE RULES UP AS YOU GO ALONG.

The great thing about writing a guidebook for wanderers, when the rules are made up as I wander, is there is also no specific path to follow. I finally settled on calling myself a wanderer because I am purposefully traveling without any set goal in mind, except to experience life and reintroduce me to me. I have given up my apartment, given away or sold most of my material possessions, and quit my job.

I called myself a bunch of different terms as I was leading up to this point, trying to find the one that fit, but my friends and I kept Googling definitions or taking polls of what people thought a word meant. Some examples:

GYPSY – I’d have to steal and do sorcery. (I can’t pronounce latin… wingardium leviosum… I think)

NOMAD – I’d have to wear a turban and herd some form of livestock. (I’d probably forget to feed them and they would die)

Hippie – I’d have to smoke pot and stop washing my hair. (Eww)

Walk-About – I’d have to wander in the Australian Outback and possibly take Peyote (50/50 agreed on the latter point). (It’s expensive to go to Australia and is Peyote even legal???)

Vagabond – Negative Connotations – Steals stuff too apparently (I just got rid of my material posessions, why would I want more?)

Homeless – Now this is the one term that SO SO SO many of my friends have agreed upon. Vic has gone crazy! Is she Suicidal? She would never do this kind of thing. It’s just a dream or a joke.  I may not have a single address to return to each day, but I have so much more as those same people have made sure I know I am welcome to stay with them as I travel. My home is where my heart is… with each of my friends and family who care enough to be worried.

It really has felt like people found this to be an impossible move. Though a lot of that may have also been my internal psyche. I am so average and responsible it is almost funny. I have always held a job, been the one to ensure the bills got paid, taken care of my own business with very little help from others. It didn’t make me happy though, it never brought peace to my life. So I have finally realized I have to do something so spontaneous, so off the wall, and so unlike me, in order to find me, find happy, and really LIVE my life. So, in spontaneous fashion, 12 weeks ago I started planning my escape. I am nothing if not detailed.

About 8 weeks ago I realized that I should have not set this 12 week plan in place. 4 weeks ago I was chomping at the bit to run free in the fields. 3 weeks ago I just left for a week to go clean up a disaster zone, because I was ready for this. The last two weeks were manageable but partially unbearable. I got down to the wire with closing out the apartment. I have these two little beings inside me, not the typical angel/devil combination. I call them Princess Bitch and Wild Woman. You’ll get to know them more as I wander. Needless to say, they are not friends and were fighting over actually leaving or not. For someone so average to take such a risk, well that’s not only stressful for those around me, it was internally stressful.

At some point during the last 12 weeks I realized that I really hate planning ahead for things, so I am taking them as they come. Thanks to Team Rubicon and storm season things are moving quite quickly in to place and I am just being fluid.

Here I am though. The apartment is closed out, my stuff is packed, and people are waiting on the edge of their seats to see what I do next. You’ll just have to check back tomorrow to see where my wandering takes me.

Signing Off from Marion, IA