Dear Wanderer, much of this journey is set in having faith in the process of life, yourself, and the community you have built to support you. So what happens when you are jarred by a significantly impactful event, one which has many sides to a story, and which causes your faith to waiver? It becomes a he-said, she-said event, one which only you can make the determination of where YOU lie in this moment.

Knee-jerk reactions make you suppose that the whole journey was for naught. It makes your steps forward falter, and causes doubt to cross your mind. You think that you believed so hard in something and a set of people and now there are fourteen stories, so what do you believe? Should you even continue on a path that has now felt a significant disruption? How do we process this and continue to stay whole? And an even greater question, do we fight? And if we fight, which side do we take?

First I want you to remind yourself that knee-jerk reactions usually end up with someone being the jerk, often it is the person who reacts in this manner. This is a time to process, make no quick judgments, and drop down to meditate. Second, remember that nothing can disrupt your internal journey unless you allow it to. Does this current situation personally alter you? Is the path that you are on a good path for you? Does the implications of negativity which you yourself have not felt stop you from following the path?

In my instance for today, though my heart has been wrenched out of place within my body, and I search for clarity in confusion, the situation does not change my journey. It does not mean that the way I have been living my life is wrong, or that the things I have been taught in any way are altered. Differences of opinion, misdirection, and disruptions to communities will all come and go. It will change things, sometimes significantly. You have no power over these things, except that you do.

So these things have NO POWER OVER YOU… but YOU HAVE POWER OVER THEM. Let’s take a moment to discern how you can have power over a disruptive situation in your community which is not allowed to take control over you. It cannot disrupt you because you (and I) will continue doing what we are already doing to practice self-care. We will take a moment, or twenty, to meditate and ensure we are RIGHT WITH OURSELVES. We will choose to not lend to the fight or allow ourselves to be drug in to the fight. We will choose to lend comfort, support, and extraordinary peace to a chaotic situation. Often the best route is to not participate in the discussion, unless it is to uplift and support those who are looking for peace and clarity in continuing their path.

What else can we do? We were neither in the shoes of Party A or Party B. At some point more information will be shared, that is almost as sure of a thing as the fact I continue to breathe air. Once more information is provided then we can make informed decisions on which direction we may take. In the mean time we can merely care for ourselves and let the Party’s involved share their sides to the story.

The issue is that when incidents occur in life we all feel the need to have an opinion. Opinions are not necessarily based on fact, often they are based on knee-jerk reactions, supposition, or gossip. Do you have first hand knowledge of the situation? Were you standing there watching this complication unfurl? NO? Then I highly suggest whatever your opinions are, you keep them to yourself and do not lend to the muddy waters of disagreement. You are always allowed opinions, but ask yourself if sharing those opinions are in the best interest of others in the community.

Thus far I have written off the supposition that you were not a participant to Party A or B. So what if you are in one of those groups. You were on the ground zero of this issue and you know your facts. How do you handle yourself? With threats, finger pointing, and anger? Or with honest statements of fact, integrity, honor, and transparency? I would hope that you answer the latter. It takes a lot of moral courage to contain your feelings in a situation where you feel wronged, and you feel your community has been wronged. It takes even more moral courage to have integrity and transparency if you are the one that has wronged the community.

As I write this I realize I write it as one side is right and one side is wrong, but then again maybe it is all a gray area. One which I have no ability to discern which is the best avenue to follow.

What I can tell you is that life will bring jarring situations to your door. As a wanderer you have been practicing self care and introspection. Since you know that those are the two things you most have control over, choose to look inward first, before reaction in a knee-jerk manner to an exterior situation.

In all things envelope your community in love and hope. And do your best to ignore knee-jerk reactions, only you can determine if you behave like a jerk or not. I pray you all find peace and solace in being you as you wander.

Signing Off Marion, IA.

Dear Wanderer, as I travel I find I am refocusing. I am very much consumed with the experience and it has interfered with daily posts. I find that this is more profitable to the journey than trying to focus on what I will share with you next. My goal in writing this for you is so that you can see a journey and hopefully be inspired to invest in yourself and your own journey.

When I last wrote I told you about my Brain. She is such a blessing. I stopped in to Kansas City to hold a booth for Team Rubicon at the Spencer C Duncan Make It Count 5k on August 1st. Spencer was KIA in 2011 and his family and friends have created the Make It Count Project. You can read more about their fantastic organization through their website. They sponsor and support vetted organizations who assist veterans. One of the great things about quality veteran organizations is that they work together with a common purpose in mind… to assist veterans in need. You can read news articles daily about the lack of quality veteran services and programs. There are many organizations who offer services and events for veterans, but it is difficult for each veteran to find an organization which fits there need. There has also been a visible gap in mental health services that actually provide assistance. Organizations like Team Rubicon and Make It Count, among others, are doing what they can, and I can tell you, it’s a hell of a lot.

I traveled back to Cedar Rapids after this. The nice thing about having been gone most of the summer is that my friends in the Cedar Rapids area were very excited to see me. I hate to say that often we are so wrapped up with just surviving in life that we cannot find time to spend together. This week has been one of sitting and sharing about my story, catching up on the lives of my friends, and continuing to build and nurture a lasting friendship with so many people.

This week started month three of the journey. I am semi-accustomed to being on the road and moving from bed to bed. Each day is definitely a new adventure. There are a few things that continue to bother me as I journey.

One of them is that my car is just so crowded. It is great to have essentials for many situations which I imagine may occur, but accessing things in the bottom of all of the stuff is extremely frustrating. I find that I am constantly moving large quantities of stuff around. This was one of the things I was going to be glad to not deal with. I am proud of how much I have gotten rid of so far, but find that I am still unsatisfied with the remainder which overflows my car and fills half a 5×10 storage unit. Since I am back at my “home base” this week I have started going through and getting rid of stuff again. Some of it has been placed in to storage, some of it has been taken to Salvation Army.

I think as a wanderer I am looking to make my burden lighter. One burden I feel is the responsibility to own and take care of stuff. If I can remove the worldly burdens then maybe I can better focus on the burdens I feel within my heart and soul. I know that thus far without having an apartment to clean I appreciate helping with dishes and cleaning of the various homes which have hosted me. I am not struggling to afford an apartment that overwhelms me with responsibility and issues which feel outside of my control. For me, this has been an important step to my journey. This is not of course for every wanderer, because though every story has a similar path, it appears very differently for each person. Search your soul for what makes you happy and prioritize it.

I fell out of school as I was out on operations and traveling. I am quite disappointed in myself and dealing with the emotions that go along with that fact. I have placed a harder financial burden on myself because I failed to make this a priority. Now that I am back in class I need to learn how to accomplish this and still continue my journey. Especially because it is a source of income for me from my GI Bill. So this will be another hiccup in my plan that I will have to work out.

As I move through this journey I am searching for answers to questions that my soul is asking. My lips cannot even form some of these questions because I am also searching for the questions. I do however still hold fast to the fact that something is out there. Something is coming, and I am purposefully moving towards it. It may feel blindly, and it may have bumps, but there is something that I am reaching for.

Till next week.

Signing off Marion, IA.

Paige’s Birthday Party

Wanderers, I want to touch on this topic of humility again. In order to feel you are the right size, or to find true humility, you will have to be conscious of your actions. It takes reminding yourself you are no better or worse than an other human to believe both traits about yourself and to live them. It is possible, though you might wonder about the true depth of being right sized.

Much of both traits deals with acceptance of the circumstances in life. You recognize that there are choices everywhere in life, and that sometimes the choices are not of your control. The goal is to be okay with this. We struggle against the things in life that we have no control over, but what is the point? None of us are super heroes, and our job is not to fix other people, to control the things that we have no control over. Reinhold Neihbur has been quoted saying “God Grant me the strength to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This is a portion of The Serenity Prayer.

True peace in life can be found by reminding ourselves that we have a limited amount of things we can control. Then we determine what choices are it’s, and make them in a way that respects ourselves and those around us. Humility deals with respecting those around us and not getting too big for our britches. If we focus on ensuring respectful behavior and thought towards others, we can more easily practice humility. Then we are practicing humility without thinking about it. It becomes a trait similar to breathing, it’s natural.

There are days where I feel this, and days where I don’t. I won’t stop practicing though, and reminding myself of my choices, and how I affect the world around me.

I’m returning west now that my responsibilities are done here. I feel like this is where the real journey begins, out on my own on the open road.

Signing off Cedar Rapids, IA.

Dear wanderer, assume that tomorrow will be a better day, because often it is. So as I indicated yesterday, I made an assumption that today would rip the last nerves in my body to shreds. I feared dealing with my command, instead choosing that they are the enemy. However, the entire purpose of them requesting my presence was to actually listen to me. To have an open discussion and value what I have to say.

I had opted prior to arriving at drill to take an observers stance, attempt to just get through the day. Upon arrival my OIC requested a conference with me. I say requested because he approached me with the utmost respect and inquired as to if I’d be willing to have a conversation with him. There are persons of rank in the military who value their subordinates as people, not merely as tools in the game of war.

My OIC happens to be one of those. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting much. Instead I got more information than I could imagine. I was proud that I managed to have a civil conversation without letting my anxiety affect me negatively. In the end it was a significantly productive day. Granted productive doesn’t mean my situation with the navy is changing, but I felt heard and valued. Sometimes that is over half the point to laugh.

There will always be circumstances beyond our control, but knowing that you have value and are heard makes those things easier to accept. I also shared my story with the officer. I felt safe and protected, cared for, worth something to someone in the navy at a higher rank. I showed up feeling helpless, but wanting to be honorable. I did not see the possibility of value in today’s actions. I hoped I could give respect where I felt I would receive none.

It eased my soul to be so cared for. A good question to ask is what was different this weekend from before? I have traveled for many weeks now. I have struggled and been forced to be open with myself. This has opened me up to other people. My hope is getting stronger than my fear.

I won’t soon forget this day, or these poignant points of transition. If I do, hopefully you can remind me. Be at ease, dear wanderers, tomorrow you can succeed, where today you worried.

Signing off Des Moines, IA

I think thus far I have heard the word ENVY as often as I have heard the word WORRY when it comes to what I am doing. Ironically often those words are from the same people. I just remind them that the grass is always greener on the other side. If they truly wanted to do what I am doing, then they can wander without traveling. They can wander in the depths of their souls and search out how to be happy.

The first tool to being happy is to accept your circumstances. I honestly would not be on this physical journey if I could not accept some circumstances and change others. I had a room mate bail, which left me with an issue about keeping an apartment. At the point that I would have fallen apart from that, instead I just redirected my plans to include no apartment. I had a job that I just struggled at because I preferred to be elsewhere and so I changed my circumstances. Each person can do that without being so drastic as to up and travel with all their necessary possessions in their car.

I however am walking in Blue Grass… not green. So the grass is always greener on the other side, but I prefer my blue grass. Though anyone can do what I am doing, I am working on doing it in a way that others aren’t used to. It is not to be understood, envied, or worried about. As I said earlier this week, everything happens for a reason. I look at my life right now, how I feel, what the world looks and sounds like after the last week and I find that I am at peace in a way which I have never found.

My heart has stilled, as has my mind, I am not rushing off to accomplish things that seem overwhelming. I had to remove almost everything in order to still my life. I don’t want green grass, I learned that many months ago. Green grass does not work for me. However I would love for everyone to join me in the blue grass, in whatever way that looks like for them. There is no reason we should not all find peace in our lives. This is not a race. It is a journey.

Tonight is my last night in the Cedar Rapids area for a while. I look forward to beginning my real travels tomorrow and have loved have this short period of time to warm to the idea. It is exciting to know that tomorrow… tomorrow I won’t be signing off from Marion, IA. Till then!

Signing off from Marion, IA.

Today I drove two hours to make a 45 minute stop and drive back two hours. The drive felt like such a short period of time. As I am wandering in my vehicle it feels that me and my vehicle are becoming one. It is effortless to hop in the car and drive, all the while enjoying the beauty of the world around me. Once upon a time, not so long ago, I was not able to just get in the car and enjoy the music and the open road. It was always running from something, or hurrying towards something. Even the trip to Sioux Falls and back, it felt like I was on a time table. I had a little bit of leeway to enjoy the falls (pictures are posted!), but otherwise that was 400 straight hard core miles.

I want to enjoy my drives. I am heading out in a few days and I plan to take two days to go 350 miles. It might sound silly, but I am forcing myself to slow down enough and enjoy my life, the sights, the people I visit. It is not a race, we each reach the finish line when it is our time.

Today’s trip was significant in the fact that I found out I am still on the hook to the Navy Reserves for a few more months. I have had a lot of heart break in regards to my service, but more proud moments than sad. However it has been a while since I have been able to recall those proud moments. Mostly I have felt jaded, bruised, abused, and rejected by a system that I loved with all of my heart. I was not loyal in the standard definition, but I certainly was good at following orders and excelled at caring for my sailors, so showed a form of loyalty that I may not have felt, even through the hard times. I did my job with pride and was willing to fight and die for anyone I deployed with. I could drag up my baggage about how it felt like no one had my six (watched my back) or how they mentally injured me on my first tour, but I won’t. You want to hear some dark and twisty story of a tour gone awry and a young girl damaged? Well sorry, this is a story of hope, one that I choose for myself.

I lived inside that dark twisty story for many years. It drove me to do things I was not proud of, it made excuses for being someone who did not feel like me. It was a place where the predator inside me was able to come out and wreak havoc on the world around me. It ruined my love for the Navy. Ironically as I lost my love for the Navy I fell more in love with the twisty dark veterans I was meeting. We found consolation in each others arms and stories. At some point though, we all have started moving on. We still share stories, we still tell our dark and twisty in the deep shadows after a long days work, but we are doing so to figure out how to get better, how to be better. As I am transitioning out of the Navy the positives have started coming back to me, and the dark twisty things have taken on the hue of an old scar. I made my decision about being done with the Navy, and as I walked into that reserve center today I realized that I truly had made a great decision for myself.

It didn’t destroy me to know that I have to check in for a few more months, or that I have to wait for their processes to occur. I have moved on, whether the ink has dried yet or not. I am moving on. I am wandering. I am moving forward. The Commanding Officer said to me that he understood my decision and respected that I was doing what was right for me. That meant a lot. It is hard to close that chapter after a decade, but when the ink dries. I will be okay, because I am ready for this. I am a wanderer. I am healing.

Signing off from Cedar Rapids, IA

When wandering there will be moments that are upsetting or discombobulating. You will wonder if you should turn back. Take a different path. Run the other direction. It is in that moment of wandering that you realize you need to slow down. It is time to stop, no steps back, no running, just sit down for a bit. PAUSE.

Whatever horrors or beauties your life has seen to bring you to the point of wandering, you have no need to go back. You are most likely right where you need to be. Always remember that everything happens for a reason, especially when wandering. Wanderers are trusting God, their environment, their support system to help guide them to things that are meant to happen for them.

I love Robert Frost, he wrote a poem that you are certainly familiar with. The Road Not Taken… I won’t quote it to you here. Many people are familiar with the beginning and the ending. The middle is where the wanderer stands, looks at both avenues and has to make a decision. So if you are wandering, which road do you take? The commonly tread path or the overgrown forgotten path? There is no wrong answer, because everything happens for a reason.

Robert Frost indicates that because of how life occurs there is no going back and taking the other path. So when you decide your path, you cannot turn back and take a different direction, you can merely branch at the next fork. You most certainly can sit at that fork and take a pause before making a decision.

I am on the precipice overlooking a deep decent into something that others do not understand. The words of concern, worry, stress, and fear that my loved ones have shared with me make me want to turn back. Make me want to not take the road less traveled, make me not want to leap. In my heart of hearts, my wild woman dances and exclaims in joy at what I am doing. So when it comes down to it, I love my support group, but I am taking the road less traveled and I know it is perfectly fine because everything happens for a reason.

I am a wanderer, because I don’t understand the reasons, but life is happening and I am learning to pause instead of react, and it has made all the difference.

Signing off from Marion, IA.

When a person is wandering sometimes they will not appear to be doing much. Americans are notorious for always doing something. Always shopping or working or watching movies, etc etc. While at Save a Warrior I learned that for good mental health and self-care a person needs to pause in life. They suggest pausing daily for meditation. They also suggest that when things are busy to ensure you stop and pause.

After the emotional high I had this week I definitely needed a pause. Time where I am doing nothing, but just being. So that is what today is. I have spent my day pausing. Enjoying. When I purposefully slow down enough things start to smell differently and look differently.

I went to a community dinner and helped clean up after people finished eating. It was a day of just slowing down enough and facing some social anxiety and meeting new people. It felt good to go and do something for others in the community. It was super random too, I just showed up, introduced myself and asked to help.

When wandering, expect to be a little boring. Not everyday is going to be waterfalls and conferences. I mean that stuff is exciting, but when you are wandering you are searching how to live a more peaceful and ordinary life. So there will be some boredom and moments of pause that seem extremely dull.

While wandering, when I pause, I can enjoy the stories of others. When I was in middle school I had a friend, S, who was home schooled. We moved after a couple of years and thanks to the wonders of Facebook she reconnected with me after high school. I adore her and through her have gotten to know her sister K. I have been enjoying the use of my K’s couch, where I have taken some time today to just pause. She is a wonderful mother and Hair Stylist. I really enjoyed her friendship before this, which has been budding over the past several months. Now that I am staying with her for a bit I am getting to know her better. I can see what a beautiful heart she has. She opened up her doors to me when I told her of my crazy plan to wander. She has been completely supportive and excited for me. I really appreciate how awesome she is. She is a single mom of two beautiful girls who are a reflection of what an amazing mom she is and the family she comes from.

I had the opportunity earlier in the week to watch the girls, M and E. M tells me… I’m going to marry a daddy someday. Because I want to be a mommy when I grow up, I want to play with my kids and cook food. Would you want to be a mommy someday? I said yes and she said, would you be a mommy who works or doesn’t work? I said I would probably work too. She said, that’s okay, I would do the same thing.

E is a couple of years older than M. I was doing dishes and E insisted that they help me rinse and dry the dishes. M wasn’t up for it, but E jumped right in splashing water all over the kitchen. She was so proud that she got to help wash the dishes. There was so much respect and joy in this little girl.

My experience watching the girls reminded me about how I want to have kids of my own one day. Seeing as I am choosing to not date at this time, I know that it won’t be happening soon. I truly hope that when I have kids one day I can raise them as well as K has raised her girls. It truly is a joy to be able to stay with my friend, and I can’t wait to move on and visit more friends.

I definitely have to say that the best part of wandering is being able to pause as much as I want or need. Today was a day where I could just be. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow has in store.

Signing off from Marion, IA

When one begins to wander they will experience a multitude of things. There will be a major financial shift, to ensure that bills are still paid, but that one is free enough to wander. There will be a social shift, leaving friends behind, going to see friends who are spread across the county, and making many new friends. There will be an emotional shift as well.

You can wander in life while having an apartment and a day job. The curse is, if they are consuming you, then you are truly not wandering anymore. I have a pretty mean anxiety issue, so getting rid of those two things would in theory lessen my anxiety. There is a hardship to wandering. It is not simply throwing off the old rags and donning new beautiful robes of peace and introspection. It is hard work to learn to care for oneself after so long of just going with the flow. The anxiety does not just go out the window along with certain responsibilities. It is not because of others, it is because of how I function that I have anxiety. I have to retrain myself to function in a new way.

I struggle to be able to define who I am other than by what I do. This week I have been on a high with new experiences. My emotions have run deep. I have found myself bored, definitely lost, not knowing what to do next, and even wanting to turn back time and return to the safety of a 9-5 and $500 apartment.

I won’t lie. I have been trying to meditate daily for months and have not been perfect. I need to meditate though, it helps significantly. I am getting back in to it, but it will take time for my brain to change again, meditation is not a quick fix. It takes consistency and commitment to do it daily. This morning I meditated at the Falls in Sioux Falls, SD. Did you ever consider that there are actual falls there??? Turns out I had not until someone mentioned it, then I realized of course! So I visited and meditated. All felt right with the world. My inner Wild Woman was dancing in the sound of the falls and the birds in the trees. Then I got in the car and started the 6 hours drive back to Cedar Rapids to swap out cars. I was on a life high.

I love Team Rubicon and sharing our story. It always shocks me how much of an impact my words can have on others. I am often cocky to cover up my lack of confidence. Now I am just trying to be honest and I guess that makes me more confident than I feel. It was a good couple of days. As I was driving home I was enjoying the sun in the sky, the use of a rental car blue tooth, and the fact that I was on the road. It seemed so blissful.

At some point it occurred to me the date and that I was expecting a phone call with some news about a position I very much desired. As the hours passed and the phone call did not come my anxiety heightened. My Bitchy Princess managed to lock the Wild Woman in a cage and was taunting me about my qualifications and capabilities. The Bitchy Princess is not a very good person. SERIOUSLY! If you could be inside my mind you would think I live a soap opera. Here is this picture in my head of this wild woman who looks like a wood nymph being trapped in a steel cage while this evil looking Princess Peach was dancing around her taunting. I could hear my Wild Woman underneath the Bitchy Princess. The taunting was loud, but I worked on tuning her out. I was struggling to not give in to the Bitchy Princess who’s best suggestion was for me to go hit the bar. I stopped drinking 47 days ago, and it’s not been easy, but it’s been right for me. The last thing I need is to give up on myself. Which is what I am very used to doing and that is why I don’t want to drink anymore. I drank because I didn’t care about myself, I just wanted to give up on myself.

I AM CHOOSING LIFE NOW! I want to care about myself, even when that Bitchy Princess tells me not to. There are so many people who care about me and won’t give up on me, why should I not be one of them? I value others so much more than myself, but if I don’t care for myself then I cannot truly help others, now can I? These are the emotions I was dealing with before I began this journey. The reason I am now wandering is because I am looking for the space to find these answers in myself and make them the better answers. I’ll never have a perfect psyche, but at least I can choose to believe in my extraordinary self.

So to lessen my anxiety I spent some time with people I know, completely sober, and I shared what was on my heart and how I know that things happen for a reason and it won’t stop me from being who I am to not get this position. I still had not received word one way or the other, but I was fantastic at making myself feel like the worse candidate for any job ever. As I was getting ready to leave my friends I got a call. I saw the number and wondered what I was going to hear when I answered. It was the comforting voice of the person I was hoping to hear from. He was calling to inform me that I was not selected for the position. The thing is, now that I knew, I had no more anxiety. It was definitive. I had no issue accepting the answer, but the waiting is what I am terrible at. I extremely respect the man who called and he was so gracious and is a great mentor. It was not a terrible phone call, and does not change what I plan to do with my life.

After I hung up the phone I realized just how tired I have been for weeks, telling myself I hadn’t gotten my hopes up, and then of course I was let down. I had so secretly gotten my hopes up that I didn’t feel I could call anyone when I was anxious. It took a lot for me to go see the people I saw instead of going to a bar. They are awesome and support me though, so many people support me in this journey I am making.

I may not have gotten this position, but there will come a time for another position that I am right for. In the mean time I cannot let me ego and bitchy princess over shadow the amazing work I have done this week to help other people, or the honors I have been given in being asked to speak to groups or return to a conference. Everything happens for a reason. I don’t know what will happen instead, but at the end of the day… my people were still there, still holding my hand, still loving on me. I am still who I am, and the anxiety was merely for a moment compared to my whole life. So through this process my emotions will wander, and I will have more days such as this which feel like a rocky road.

However I am walking in grass that is blue and not green, many won’t understand, but some will walk my path with me, or support me from their side of the fence. When you wander and remove the average and the normal from your life and just plan to be a Wild person, and no longer a savage person, then emotions are normal and life is okay.

Signing off from Marion, IA.