Wanderers, sometimes in your journey you need to find a place of solitude. This should be a place where you can feel at home, and have some precious time by yourself. Especially since I am struggling right now to determine my next steps in this process, I need this. V and the boys live at and run the Wounded Warrior House in Woodland Park, CO. They have not been very active recently as their little family is growing, but they have enough space for me to find a place of solitude.

They set me up in a room of my own, with an AMAZINGLY comfortable mattresses. Which is hard to believe I say that, because I hate mattresses. I slept in comfort to arise to a rainy, foggy day. It was still beautiful though. I needed to just be for a while, no activities to do, no people to visit with. V and the boys went in to town to work and I was given some time alone. I spent some time wandering their property, enjoying being out in the woods. They have large boulders on the property. I enjoy bouldering, so I climbed to the top. On a clear day I would have been able to see Pikes Peak from where I was sitting, but today it was just clouds and mist. I utilized this opportunity to meditate as the rain lightly misted on to me.

I have a decision to make, regarding the Navy. The paperwork for me not having to drill anymore has not gone through. We are still waiting on a determination of my medical status. They are requesting me to continue drilling and expect me to come back this weekend. In my heart I am rebelling. I don’t want to be on their timetable anymore. I don’t want them to interrupt my journey to find myself. It would just be easier if I could move that book in the chronicle of my story in to the past, then I could just be a little more healed. I know how bad that sounds as I write it. There was a time in my life that I proudly showed up to drill, willingly missed family events and social events. I miss that person I was, and every time I have to drill now I start the weekend off feeling beaten down and exhausted. Somewhere in me I could find that sailor I once was, and be a shining specimen of a Petty Officer again, but then I try and I feel rejection and mistrust. I wonder if it is only me rejecting and mistrusting them, subconsciously, even if I don’t wish it. Or maybe it is a little of both.

So here I am, in the position of not following orders which came as a request, because it is all about me. Isn’t that what this journey is about, providing me self-care? So that would make me believe that it is about me… but it isn’t about me. Providing self-care is not about being selfish. It is almost perfect that I am in this place made for wounded warriors to find peace and solitude. It is also meant to be a place of healing. With the help of my three friends who listen very well and give almost no advice (or if they do I am not listening right), I reluctantly decided to return to Iowa and join my unit this weekend.

I don’t know what is going to happen, and there is this stabbing pain behind my eyes. I have never attempted to be anything less than honorable and respectful, as long as I am still in the service I will do my duty. I just really hope that they determine my medical status soon. I am very tired at the thought of drill, and no longer feel useful to the mission. It will be interesting to see how this weekend turns out.

Wanderers, remember that as you wander search for those places of solitude so that you can clear your heads and focus on the goal. While journeying also ensure that you are not running from reality or the responsibilities as they lie. You must keep the values that are important to you, and resist the risk of selfishness, dishonor, or disrespect, among other things.

Signing off Woodland Warrior House, Woodland Park, CO

As she drove through the mountains the sky changed from haze gray to sunny and blue then back to storm clouds and large rain droplets. It was kind of mystical to watch the clouds so low overhead twist in the wind. She drove through towns that she had been through many times before, but this time they looked different. She didn’t know if it was because she was coming from a different direction than every time before, or if it was because life looks different when you are searching for adventure and free as the rain that was pelting her windshield. A river wound its way under the road and throughout the plains on either side.

She couldn’t help but think of the catastrophic possibilities of so much water flowing down towards larger populations and the risk of potential destruction. It was reminiscent of her days as an EMT, when she would drive and catalog potential reactions to different car crash scenarios. She is nothing if not consistent in her dedication to her current field. This trip however was not about helping communities or serving other people. This trip was about enjoying her freedom.

It had already been a long summer, and at the point that she did not know where to go, she went home, or the closest thing she knew of as a physical home. In her heart of hearts she knew that home was where the heart was. Her heart is spread all across the country, living in the amazing people she has met, gotten to know, and loves. The goal of all of it was to be at home with each special person she visited, but she had not quite found that yet. It was awkwardness on her part, and the worry that she was taking up time more valuable for other things.

In this case she was going to a place where she knew she would find a home. V waited for her (and the boys too), belly ready to pop, but with open arms. Sometimes in life two people meet and they just find themselves on the same page. This was the case upon meeting in a Home Depot parking lot not yet two years before. As she drove through the rain, she imagined the meeting, again after a year apart. It felt like no time had past and the moment couldn’t come too soon. Obviously time had past as V was now about to have her own little one, but V was family to her, and so was the baby.

Upon arrival she ran through the rain to the door where V awaited her. It was everything she imagined, just like all the other times. Effortless conversation and the feeling of home. She wondered if she could find that feeling everywhere she traveled. Eventually the boys wandered their way in and it was reminiscent of their time in the field, just one year before. She was amazed at how time passes, but the camaraderie and love of friends continues the with the same steady security, no matter the hours or years gone by.

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