Category Archives: CO

The T.A.R.D.I.S

That is the Time and Relative Dimension in Space… AKA Sexy.

It looks like a blue gray Honda Accord thanks to the chameleon circuit, which has been stuck that way since 2003. For the most part it works correctly, but today it failed me. This car has done well so far carry me through time and space (we haven’t worked out the dimension part yet, The Doctor didn’t leave directions for that part). However, we all know that Sexy has a mind of her own. Today she opted to not complete the journey to Woodland Park for V’s baby shower, instead redirecting me to Commerce City.

I was extremely concerned as we were traveling through a wibbly wobbly area of the mountains with no pull off in sight when she failed to accelerate up a particular hill. This was of utmost concern due to the fact that I had been in the fast lane and those other cars were going MUCH faster than ole Sexy here. Fortunately she guided us in to a pull off and we checked the operating systems for failure. Apparently she was a little low on cosmic juice. Since I was also low on extra cosmic juice for her, we determined it was best to return to Denver (a downhill drive).

Once down the hill Sexy was acting fine. She really does have a mind of her own. An S.O.S. was put out to the local D.A.D and he was standing by upon landing at the parental units property. Though disappointing to have rerouted the trip for the day, I did manage to get some pictures of me playing under Sexy’s hood. We performed all the primary maintenance necessary and then some to return her to peak performance.

The moral of my Doctor Who inspired tale for the day is that sometimes life has plans of it’s own. I could sit here and assume that if I hadn’t bought the cheap gas, or had changed the oil before this leg of the trip that it may have gone smoothly. Both might be accurate, or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be for today. Dear wanderer, I hope by now you are beginning to understand that when things occur, each person can choose if their metaphorical glass is half empty or half full. In the end, whatever you choose, remember it is more important that there is ALWAYS something in the cup to work with. I encourage you to sit back and tell yourself the story as if you believe it were both ways, as I did above. Then choose the one that most pleases you. I find the half full story is much better… That sometimes life just happens outside my control. Now that I am accepting this, the moments of stress, overwhelming fear, and anxiety are diminished or easily overcome through self talk and introspection.

I’m a fan of metaphors (if you haven’t noticed), so think of this as a glass of milk. The reason you shouldn’t cry over spilt milk is not because you have more milk (maybe you don’t). It is because once the milk is spilt, you can’t unspill it, no matter how hard you cry or how much you fight. So why fight?

Earlier this year, I locked my keys in my car twice, in one week, in the same store parking lot. I had to call the same lock smith, who sent the same man, who performed the same procedure. Where as once upon a time I would have fallen apart, hidden away, maybe even abandoned the car and walked five miles home to sit outside and wait for my brother… This time I laughed. The second time I laughed. Then I sat on my trunk to meditate the residual anxiety away while waiting for the locksmith. This was the point that I found I was becoming more capable and happier at life. It was pre-wandering, but I was changing. I had tools which showed me to laugh and meditate through the problem.

Don’t cry over the spilt milk, go pour yourself a glass of something else, and make the story something you enjoy telling. It can be done, that is your choice.

Signing off Commerce City, CO.

 

Starbucks Wanderer

I started my day off early. I threw in my laundry and off I went to visit Starbucks across the city.

I first visited with Amber, who I had never met before today except online. She is a fellow TR volunteer who one day requested to be my friend. I friend just about anybody on FB who I have friends in common with or who sends me a message with a valid reason to be my friend (the latter rarely happens). I am no good with photos, so I was concerned I would not recognize her. In fact I walked right past her into the Starbucks in Golden. She found me sure enough. We grabbed our caffeine and headed to walk the beautiful downtown area of Golden, CO.  It was an enjoyable meeting and we got to know one another.

After I got done with that coffee I was off to Lakewood to have Coffee with Al at yet another Starbucks. She had to work, so we made it a quick coffee date. Al and I met in Texas last month. We have several friends in common in Denver EMS and became fast friends.

After I bid her adieu I intended to do a little errand running, but as I drove past my old home away from home I stopped. I was anxious about returning to the workplace I had left so many months ago. Those people were my family, but I didn’t know if they felt as strongly about me as I did about them. My luck, no one would be in the office, I thought. Upon walking in the front door I was greeted by so many people. The hugs were amazing. It was beautiful to be back with them. I didn’t stay long as they were all working, but I did snap a photo pretending to steal an ambulance. I needed the photo for FB to let the owner know I had missed him.

Then I wandered off to run my errands, but stopped to grab a bite at my favorite Old Chicago in Broomfield. I used to spend hours there, almost daily, studying at the bar and sampling the new beers. Trish was bartending, I always enjoyed chatting with her. It was a little awkward for me, being in there without drinking. Not drinking made it a much lighter tab, and a quicker trip. After tipping well I made for some errand running. And of course I stopped for another Starbucks!

A few weeks ago I found myself on Tinder, yes, Tinder, I said it! So many of my friends have found boyfriends or friends on there. Not that I am looking for a boyfriend, but I was curious and bored one day, so created an account. This guy, Jesse, and I started chatting and he seemed nice enough. He wanted to take me to a very nice restaurant downtown. I was a little shocked, but agreed to meet him. Rules to meeting anyone from online (boy or girl)… Public place, separate vehicles. Well in this case, I got stood up. Whether it was a Tinder prank or just cold feet, I was left out in the rain (pretty much… it was raining… pretty heavy).

So I did what I do in any situation gone awry… okay, okay… what I imagine I do when a situation goes awry… I bounce back. I sent a message to Al and we went down to the Pub and drank Iced Tea, listened to live (beautiful!) music and chatted the night away. Honestly it ended up being a much better plan than meeting some guy who was probably stinky and looked nothing like his picture.

Wanderers… be willing to take risks, but be smart when you do. If those risks don’t work out, well then bounce right back. When wandering we have already seen that things don’t go as planned, so Semper Gumby!

Now I hope to get to sleep, but my anxiety has heightened. I was distracted by the day, which was good, but I fear the long drive tomorrow. This is one time I don’t think I will enjoy the drive.

Signing Off Denver, CO

The Long Road

Sometimes while journeying the road may feel long. Even if it is a road you have traveled before. The trip slogs along with an urgency that leaves a person rattled. There is anxiety that shake the boots of the wanderer, making them wish to turn back and do what is pleasurable, but not what is right. This thought is reminiscent of a hero’s tale from mythology. However this is merely the feeling of doing something you do not wish to do. That thing which causes you anxiety and stress. Time slows down, just to make it all the less bearable.

I am working on sucking up my pride for this weekend, but I feel quite rushed to return over 1,000 miles. The journey is difficult seeing as I must return to Cedar Rapids and spin back around to Des Moines all by Saturday morning. So I am returning to Denver today, in order to hopefully get a little enjoyment in before returning Friday. I did not sleep the best last night. I fear I may not sleep well tonight.

I did receive the pleasure of dinner with my folks, Auntie Kathy, Papa, and some cousins. It was a very enjoyable meal, made all the more interesting when after supper Papa pulled out old (really old) photo albums and started showing us pictures from when he was a kid. Some of the photos were of multiple generations back.

I fear the next few days will not go as planned, and hopefully I am not making my own fortune. I have several visits on the Calendar tomorrow and it will be a fast paced day with much more traveling coming up, though I have not honestly thought past this drill weekend. I will probably just return to CO to finish my visit.

Signing Off Denver, CO

A House for a Wandering Warrior

Wanderers, sometimes in your journey you need to find a place of solitude. This should be a place where you can feel at home, and have some precious time by yourself. Especially since I am struggling right now to determine my next steps in this process, I need this. V and the boys live at and run the Wounded Warrior House in Woodland Park, CO. They have not been very active recently as their little family is growing, but they have enough space for me to find a place of solitude.

They set me up in a room of my own, with an AMAZINGLY comfortable mattresses. Which is hard to believe I say that, because I hate mattresses. I slept in comfort to arise to a rainy, foggy day. It was still beautiful though. I needed to just be for a while, no activities to do, no people to visit with. V and the boys went in to town to work and I was given some time alone. I spent some time wandering their property, enjoying being out in the woods. They have large boulders on the property. I enjoy bouldering, so I climbed to the top. On a clear day I would have been able to see Pikes Peak from where I was sitting, but today it was just clouds and mist. I utilized this opportunity to meditate as the rain lightly misted on to me.

I have a decision to make, regarding the Navy. The paperwork for me not having to drill anymore has not gone through. We are still waiting on a determination of my medical status. They are requesting me to continue drilling and expect me to come back this weekend. In my heart I am rebelling. I don’t want to be on their timetable anymore. I don’t want them to interrupt my journey to find myself. It would just be easier if I could move that book in the chronicle of my story in to the past, then I could just be a little more healed. I know how bad that sounds as I write it. There was a time in my life that I proudly showed up to drill, willingly missed family events and social events. I miss that person I was, and every time I have to drill now I start the weekend off feeling beaten down and exhausted. Somewhere in me I could find that sailor I once was, and be a shining specimen of a Petty Officer again, but then I try and I feel rejection and mistrust. I wonder if it is only me rejecting and mistrusting them, subconsciously, even if I don’t wish it. Or maybe it is a little of both.

So here I am, in the position of not following orders which came as a request, because it is all about me. Isn’t that what this journey is about, providing me self-care? So that would make me believe that it is about me… but it isn’t about me. Providing self-care is not about being selfish. It is almost perfect that I am in this place made for wounded warriors to find peace and solitude. It is also meant to be a place of healing. With the help of my three friends who listen very well and give almost no advice (or if they do I am not listening right), I reluctantly decided to return to Iowa and join my unit this weekend.

I don’t know what is going to happen, and there is this stabbing pain behind my eyes. I have never attempted to be anything less than honorable and respectful, as long as I am still in the service I will do my duty. I just really hope that they determine my medical status soon. I am very tired at the thought of drill, and no longer feel useful to the mission. It will be interesting to see how this weekend turns out.

Wanderers, remember that as you wander search for those places of solitude so that you can clear your heads and focus on the goal. While journeying also ensure that you are not running from reality or the responsibilities as they lie. You must keep the values that are important to you, and resist the risk of selfishness, dishonor, or disrespect, among other things.

Signing off Woodland Warrior House, Woodland Park, CO

A Wanderers Story

As she drove through the mountains the sky changed from haze gray to sunny and blue then back to storm clouds and large rain droplets. It was kind of mystical to watch the clouds so low overhead twist in the wind. She drove through towns that she had been through many times before, but this time they looked different. She didn’t know if it was because she was coming from a different direction than every time before, or if it was because life looks different when you are searching for adventure and free as the rain that was pelting her windshield. A river wound its way under the road and throughout the plains on either side.

She couldn’t help but think of the catastrophic possibilities of so much water flowing down towards larger populations and the risk of potential destruction. It was reminiscent of her days as an EMT, when she would drive and catalog potential reactions to different car crash scenarios. She is nothing if not consistent in her dedication to her current field. This trip however was not about helping communities or serving other people. This trip was about enjoying her freedom.

It had already been a long summer, and at the point that she did not know where to go, she went home, or the closest thing she knew of as a physical home. In her heart of hearts she knew that home was where the heart was. Her heart is spread all across the country, living in the amazing people she has met, gotten to know, and loves. The goal of all of it was to be at home with each special person she visited, but she had not quite found that yet. It was awkwardness on her part, and the worry that she was taking up time more valuable for other things.

In this case she was going to a place where she knew she would find a home. V waited for her (and the boys too), belly ready to pop, but with open arms. Sometimes in life two people meet and they just find themselves on the same page. This was the case upon meeting in a Home Depot parking lot not yet two years before. As she drove through the rain, she imagined the meeting, again after a year apart. It felt like no time had past and the moment couldn’t come too soon. Obviously time had past as V was now about to have her own little one, but V was family to her, and so was the baby.

Upon arrival she ran through the rain to the door where V awaited her. It was everything she imagined, just like all the other times. Effortless conversation and the feeling of home. She wondered if she could find that feeling everywhere she traveled. Eventually the boys wandered their way in and it was reminiscent of their time in the field, just one year before. She was amazed at how time passes, but the camaraderie and love of friends continues the with the same steady security, no matter the hours or years gone by.

Continue reading A Wanderers Story

Christmas in July

Today’s plan was to climb Han’s Peak. I thought: ‘this will be great, we drive almost all the way to the top and then climb on the shale to reach the tower at the peak.’ Apparently that is not how Adults climb Hans Peak. We started a little ways up the mountain and then started climbing.

I am frustrated because I am trying to be more active and my bum shoulder really has an issue with it. I can’t hike or run without my shoulder starting to hurt. It takes dedication to hold a proper posture while being active and that’s what I have to do to stop my shoulder from hurting, but then it still hurts anyway. It often feels like a double edged sword. When I suddenly go from a 3/10 to a 6/10 and I am trying to stay engaged and enjoy the activity, well needless to say I want to cry. I took some nice anxiety meds in order to calm that factor down, so I could focus on breathing through the pain.

I don’t know if my dad realized I was struggling, or if he needed to stop for regular breaks, but he was really patient with me. I appreciated it. I feel like I just shouldn’t do things because I don’t want to slow the other people down. I wouldn’t have held it against him to rush on ahead and let me catch up at my won pace. Honestly if he had done that I probably would have just sat down somewhere and cried, because self-pity likes to climb in the hurt basket when my shoulder hurts. I don’t know if in the past he would have stopped, but it never felt like it. Now he is stopping. I wonder how much of what I am perceiving now was true before, but I didn’t see it that way.

I feel like my perceptions are changing to be more open to the fact that people are here for me. That I have a TRibe, a village, and family to lean on. I am not alone, and more and more so each day I feel that. It is especially nice to feel that from my Dad, when we so often have been at odds.

My dad, baby bro, and I were having a good old time. I was trying to get baby bro to teach me what is edible and what isn’t so that I could survive off the land for a day, without starving. His suggestion was for me to read a couple of books and take the time to ensure I was smart about what I was doing. Otherwise I guess I could end up sick or dead… yeah. As we climbed baby bro talked about the forest around us. He is so wise about plants, bugs, and wildlife.

We reached an old cabin that used to belong to the foreman who created Steam Boat Lake. I never knew that the lake was man-made. Not far behind the cabin was a small well that still had a natural spring flow in to it. Sitting right next to it was snow. I had just remarked that I wanted to add playing in the snow in summer to my bucket list. Accomplished! We even had a snowball fight! It was another one of those extremely silly moments, which was spontaneous and kind of ridiculous, but suddenly we weren’t adulting anymore. We were just living and there was no definition between the kid parts and the adult parts of us.

At the top we were standing amongst the clouds as they flowed past us. It had gotten quite chilly at 10,000 feet. It was a beautiful view. Going down went a little bit better, but my dad kept tripping over roots (we swear, the roots moved!). He definitely made my heart skip a beat when he tripped and came flying down the mountain towards me, sliding across the ground. Here I was, having a good time, and he goes and tries to crack his head open. Luckily he brushed it off and was fine to keep on going. I begged him to pick his feet up higher, but he still tripped occasionally and I so I was on stand by to catch him.

After we were done we went to the Columbine store for “Ice Cream” (I got a carrot flavored popsicle… eww ice cream), which was just like what we do when we were kids with the whole family.

My legs were jello, but it was an awesome day! I think I will sleep well tonight. My mom took off back home with my Papa, Eric went back to work, and my Uncle, Dad, and I will leave out tomorrow.

I know where my next stop is… but SPOILERS!

Signing Off Clark, CO

Independence Day

Quite right, the title of this post is a little to the point. I dare you to come up with a better one.

So last night there were fireworks over the lake. It was a spectacular show and I put on some patriotic music to go along with it. The funny thing about fireworks is that they last such a short period of time. I am not as young as I used to, so fireworks just don’t seem as important.

Honestly for an Independence Day, today was not very exciting. My mom and I tried to go get our nails done, but that was a flop due to the holiday. We spent a large portion of the day just hanging out, not doing much. The men went fishing, I took a nap. I am still trying to catch up on sleep from the operations.

My grandfather made his famous pork steaks, which are amazing! I also took a short bike ride. We had Happy Birthday ‘merica cake!

Tomorrow we plan on climbing Hans Peak, my dad, brother, and I. So I needed to rest up today, since I am nicely sunburned from my adventure around the lake yesterday.

I feel like every few days I have a day where I don’t have much to write. I don’t have very many insightful reflections for you to read. I think the moral of this, when it occurs, is that in life we need to take a pause. If I were to go, go, go all the time I wouldn’t be giving my body and mind the time to rest and nourish itself. So make sure to give yourself a break, when you find a day that seems kind of boorish, sit back and read a book, write a letter to a friend, or just watch the scenery out the window. The world will keep rotating, even if you stop to pause and enjoy the quiet moments.

My Papa is getting on in years and is 89, his steps have become unsteady and his world goes slower than that of an average citizen. He loves to fish, always has, but that too is a slower more challenging process. My father took him down to the lake yesterday to find that the spot closest to the parking lot, which papa favors, was lined by families. Never underestimate the kindness of strangers. My father asked the families if he could fit my grandfather in between them, they all agreed and one gentleman offered to move further down stream in order to provide papa plenty of room to catch a fish. The previous day a neighboring fisherman helped my dad out when his line kept jamming as he pulled in a fish. These are just a couple of examples of how good and kind people are in this world. It is a true reflection of the integrity many Americans have, not just because it is a holiday.

We didn’t see any fireworks tonight, as it was just too much of a trek in to town after being so full of delicious pork. My grandfather is a WWII veteran, and being able to eat his pork steaks on Independence Day is far better than watching fireworks. Love to my brothers and sisters who have kept, are keeping, and will keep our country free!

Happy Birthday America!

Signing Off Clark, CO

Kayakscuse Me, I’m Lost

Waking up in the middle of the mountains after having driven in during the night is like a present you wake up to on Christmas morning. Last night it was all dark, and you could barely see anything without a flashlight. This morning I woke up to coffee and my family on the porch admiring a nice buck out in the field which was topped with gorgeous yellow flowers. This is the place where I spent fond childhood summers and is a nice refresher after several weeks of hard work helping communities. I was almost too stubborn to come, to admit that I had nowhere else to go for July 4th. I love my family to death, but it has often been a struggle to see eye to eye with them. Blood families are more stressful to me, because I have always been trying to live up to some standard that they may or may not be truly setting for me. I have always wanted to make them proud, and if I choose to be different, I worry they won’t understand.

This trip however is fairly low key, my Uncle, Dad, Mom, and Papa are here with me. My baby bro works at the park here, so he is spending time with us also. Today was a pretty cool day. We slept in a bit, then headed out to fish and kayak. I had no intention of fishing, but I did want time on the lake with the Kayak. So I got my wish, and then some.

I have always been drawn to the water… Wait… that’s not true. For whatever reason as a child I was terrified of the water. My mom forced me to take swimming lessons in fourth grade privately because I refused to go in the big pool with my classmates. Something occurred at some time in my life that my fear turned in to accurately fear-based respect for the water. Reading Moby Dick years ago made me wish for the open sea. I was already in the Navy at the time, though I have never been on the open sea, really. I love being on the water. I love being at the beach with the sea-filled air whipping through my hair. The ocean specifically terrifies me, but in a way that I LOVE it. When I started Kayaking last year I quickly fell in love with that as well.

With that in mind I was very excited to take the Kayak out while the others fished today. I quickly made my way to the middle of the water and around the bend from my family. I promptly locked my paddle and laid out to catch some sun. Apparently with my new short hairdo and wearing the hat backwards I had some kids debating (rather loudly) whether I was a boy or girl. The funny part of it is that I am well endowed and there is no way they missed the bathing suit, but I just laughed it off. Especially when the girl says to the boy “SHH, He can hear us, he’s looking!” I enjoyed my time slowly paddling around the water and taking breaks to catch some sun. I was hoping to even out that farmers tan. I had great service in the middle of the lake, so took and posted some selfies (yes yes, I know, but that’s me!) My mom called after a bit to say they were moving. I tried to get them to wait, but apparently they opted to move on too quickly and I paddled too slow.

So there I am, on this huge lake, having no idea where the family is so I can get to them. I knew where the cabin was, but I also knew they were not going back there. As this journey progresses I find the real adventures are the things that happen to me… not anything I have planned. So I started kayaking along the bank, following it towards where I thought they might be. At points I got out and walked in the shallows because I was cramped in the kayak. I got many odd looks from others on the water. I truly didn’t care, except for that 30 seconds of exasperation where I wanted to get mad. Instead of getting mad, I just checked my anxiety (which was the cause of my anger) and accepted the adventure at hand!

Kayakscuse me, but I’m lost… was a phrase I considered using as people went past me on the water. I didn’t ask for help because I was having too much fun using my GPS to navigate me around the lake attempting to find them. Of course eventually I did and then I helped my mom figure out how to Kayak. That was cool.

Wanderers, in order to wander and have adventures you have to accept being outside of your comfort zone. I truly haven’t done anything that unusual from my old self lately. I’ve worried (not as much, but some) about the same things as always and have stayed cautious in all things. When I was in Texas and we jumped in the river fully dressed I felt reckless, but I felt alive. Having to navigate the lake today without a set plan or direction, I felt alive. Neither of which were planned, but my attitude set the course. I hated being comfortable, so now, now I am learning how to enjoy what is uncomfortable. At some point, maybe it will all be comfortable. Until then I am working on moving out of my zone, and explore the new possibilities that truly living life can allow.

Signing off Cow Chip Country Club, Steam Boat Lake, Clark, CO

Mountain Air

Okay, I’ll admit it, my dear wanderers, I am bloody exhausted. I got to Denver in the late morning and my dad was still there. I attempted to help him finish putting the Kayak on his car, but resigned myself to not getting in the way and telling him to call if he needed me. My dad is kind of a loner I guess, or at least he never needs my help. It is just easier to let him tackle the task on his own, instead of getting in to an argument or feeling like I am just in the way.

We were all going up to the Lake separately. I needed to nap and do laundry. I threw laundry in and ended up falling asleep. I was coming down off of my deployment high and that usually requires a lot of sleep to heal up from. My shoulders are slightly burned still, but I have a nice farmers tan going on for the most part. I wrapped up my measly errands and nap and hit the road for Steam Boat Lake. My Uncle has a cabin on the backside of the lake and it has always been a favorite spot for me.

I love mountain driving. It always does me good to roll down the windows and breathe in some mountain air, and fly around the curves. I was so at peace during this drive today. Often, when I am driving, I get this sensation of being weightless, like I am lifted off my feet and the world is not sitting on my shoulders pulling me down. I want this to not be an abnormal feeling for me. I would prefer to live my life weightless, just existing and going with the flows of time and space around me. I come up with fanciful stories in my head as I drive, and descriptive terms. I really should write some of these things down for you. I am always reminded of how the well to do used to come to the mountains for the clean air, because it helped their health. Well it helped mine tonight too.

I came upon a sign that warned of no middle line in the road. It was dark and there were cars in front and behind me. I figured that it would be okay, because I’ll just follow the edge of the road. What the sign should have said was “Warning… no road… let alone middle line… just loose gravel… for the next 10 miles.” Oh and PS… there are no street lights, there are curves and people are idiots. Somehow me and all the cars near me survived this wild ride.

It’s all just part of the adventure. So somehow I rolled in to the cabin just shy of my mother and uncle. It was late at night, but I could see the stars, even those funny two planets that made think of aliens and all things Doctor Who.

I am now the family weirdo who brings her own cot everywhere, because it is much more comfortable than sleeping in a bed for me. So I set that up, which fascinated both my Papa and my Dad. It was like a new toy, so they enjoyed helping me put it together. They think it is cool how I am so tricked out.

Once everyone was there and the cars were unloaded it was just about time for lights out. My papa has apparently gone to using a bible app on his iPad for his evening devotions. Unfortunately he needed connectivity to open the app (poor formatting). It was so cute when he was mystified that I set up an internet hotspot from my phone and connected his tablet to it. He was so grateful for that small little gesture. One of the hardest things about not living in Colorado anymore is not being near him. I worry for the day he passes on to the next life, because he is just such a great Papa. Even though he kept interrupting me as I meditated, asking me if I was praying. Only for my Papa will I break meditation to answer his questions.

Well I better head off to bed now myself.

 

Signing Off Steam Boat Lake Park, Clark, CO