It was an ironic day in a way. I woke up with the intention to get so much accomplished today. I needed to revisit my plans, my road map. I needed to invest some time in searching for a job, a place, myself, and yet that is not what the universe had in store for my day. It was a day that started off pretty well. I awoke early, had a cup of coffee, smoked a cigarette, and planned to sing some karaoke on my phone before meditating and really getting moving. I sat in the guest room in my parents basement, singing my heart out. I heard in the background white noise, but thought it to be the heating unit. It is late October after all, so the days are getting chilly. A smell crept up in the short period of time that I sat in the room singing. My initial thought was that it smelled like the first room I lived in when I was in Afghanistan. We had private showers and toilets in our pods, a blessing of working with civilian contractors. Unfortunately, the septic tank had not been placed far enough away from the building, or properly vented. We would smell that septic scent daily, to the extent we went through a lot of deodorizers and eventually had to cover all the drains. So when I smelled that smell again today I chalked it up to a drain in the basement and the wind blowing the wrong way through the pipes. It wasn’t until I got up to refill my coffee that I realized there was water covering the floor in the basement. It ended up being about an inch deep in some places.

Gut reaction was to just start cleaning it up, my big concern was, what did it come from. I stepped next door to the church and interrupted my fathers meeting in order for him to come solve the leak problem. It was at this point that we found out the local sewer workers had somehow backed up the basement toilet. It was sewer water that was all over the floor. My dad, being also a member of TR and all around handy guy, and I jumped into action. We began removing water as quickly as possible. I also began moving things that had not yet been affected by water to higher points or out of the basement completely. Have you ever had your property flood? Or get havoc wrought on it? I have spent a couple of years now being there for the homeowners who suffer from property damage due to disaster. You would think that for an empathetic person such as myself, it would be similar. It’s not. I don’t think that I ever thought it would be the same kind of feeling, but I didn’t much realize how it would feel.

Initially I launched in to auto pilot, very operational. It wasn’t until my mom got home that it became more than just rote behavior. My mom was so upset, I almost failed to serve her emotional needs. That was confusing for me, because she was not a stranger. I thought she would be more like me and my dad were… Just get the job done and move on.

After the fact I realized that both my parents were drastically affected by the possibility of losing so much in their basement. The basement held storage for both of their lives and for all of us kids. My focus started to change, it adapted to figuring out how could I make this easier on my parents. This meant that I started determining how and what to save. I think it helped them, taking care of it as quickly as possible, directing the situation. At least I hope so… It likely was mostly a help for my own psyche.

In the basement was a chair I had stored there from when I lived in Colorado. I have been wanting to recover it for years, but even as it was, it is a perfect reading chair. It soaked up water about an inch up. The water was from the sewer, but didn’t have much visible muck. I want to save the chair. It feels very important for me to save this chair. I love this chair, it’s held me tight as I’ve read away the hours in many apartments. It was probably the most important thing to me in the whole basement.

My dad suggested I get rid of it, that the city would cover me buying a new chair in the clean up settlement. I really want to save this chair.

My dad had an old chest he’s kept most of his life. I never knew what was inside it, until I had to dump the contents out. I prayed the trunk stayed airtight, but it did not. Thankfully not much was damaged. I was a bit surprised to find this relatively good sized trunk was full of paper. Silly drawings from us kids, love notes from family, friends, and parishioners, news articles of good deeds done, and sentimental memorabilia filled this trunk. It made my dad much more human in that moment. If it was possible to love my dad more that day, well it happened.

It was awesome to see the community pitch in and the city of commerce city respond so quickly to our need. I think I learned a bit of humility today, even when leading the charge. It all became more real in the moment I suffered a small disaster. I don’t know what will come of this experience, but I hope it helps make me a more capable servant of those in need during disasters.

For now, I am grateful for my loving family, the fact that everyone is okay physically, and that the water is out of the basement.

Signing off, Commerce City, CO

I have been in Denver so long now, I really wish to wander away again. I find that I am anxious for the next adventure. The catch is that I made a commitment to perform some work for my mother’s company, which in turn helps me pay for the wandering.

No matter how much I wish I could survive without money and just serve others for free, our society does not allow that. I suppose I could walk the country, but I’m maybe not that free-spirited yet. This leads me to accomplishing work for my mother’s company. Data input, fairly simple, but tedious. So though I had intended to leave today there was more work to accomplish.

This brings up two issues. First I am upset that I didn’t get to stick to my schedule. I had finally figured out this schedule, and my old-self, that control freak is really distressed that I am still here. There is a small part of me which feels that I should throw the whole trip right out the window. Second, I really dislike tedious data input work. So today was just really tough. I am selfish in the fact that I don’t like doing work which is not entertaining for me. The matter is that someone needs to do the work and I need to do something to replenish my traveling money.

The job I was in prior to traveling was a job that I really did not like, but it was so multi-faceted that I was constantly hopping tasks. I did not leave that job merely because I disliked it, but I definitely am much happier not being there. For everything in life there is a cost, and the attitude I choose is how I determine the positive or negative value of the cost. Today was extremely valuable, though tedious. I have not yet finished the data inputting, but will finish it from the road this week. I appreciate that I have the opportunity to move on in the morning to the next adventure, and that I have more work to do which will provide me funds.

The issues I described above seem so menial, but they felt slightly devastating. Stuck in a place I want to leave, and stuck doing work that I didn’t enjoy was rather claustrophobic. When they are put down on paper (or computer screen) it seems ridiculous that I even recount the issues. This though is a tool to realizing what menial concerns those are. I feel better now having seen it written out. I am also able to be grateful for what I received and what I was able to do for others.

Time to get some sleep before I hit the road!

Signing off Denver, CO

Dear Wanderer,

I wish I could tell you that every day of this journey, and of life is exciting. I find myself often defining what an average, un-special day looks like in this blog. Often I consider not sharing on these days. The thing about not sharing is that then you might come to believe that the only important days in life are those that feel extraordinary.

Even as I journey I struggle to recognize the value of days where no large epiphany’s occur or exciting adventures continue. Defining this to you dear reader, helps me remember that I am striving to be ordinary and sometimes it is a little extra. I valued today because it was low-key, not much exciting going on. I was able to value the time I had to pause and reflect upon nothing. Many people find that they struggle to find down time, and when they achieve it to appreciate it.

I recall that in my previous world I often wished I had down time, and when I found it, I felt the need to fill it with activities or chores. I still have a lengthy to-do list, but when I take down time and don’t accomplish those tasks I am allowing my body rest. It is an exercise in valuing myself when I can just be, whether it is meditating, watching netflix, reading, or just sitting in silence. I used to be stressed in these moments, but find that with practice I am becoming better and be grateful instead of stressed out and anxious.

The big highlight for today was Monopoly. I often feel like nobody ever likes monopoly. My cousin Berto, his Fiance’ Calah, and I got to enjoy private time together, playing Monopoly. It wasn’t just any Monopoly, it was Jurrasic Park 3 Monopoly. That was a pretty exciting evening for me. We had Pizza, Soda, and played a board game. I miss having friends to play board games with. My entire life Berto has been a constant. He is one month younger than me, and so we grew up as close as siblings. (I think he forgave me for the time I knocked him in the family jewels… he was teasing me… I may have had anger issues… we were 9… ha ha ha)

Having a day where I was already slowed down, and not feeling stressed, I was able to enjoy this evening so much more. If in all things I am just taking things as they come, and working on not allowing things to stress me, then I can only become more and more successful.

As I tell you that I do this, you may wonder how it is done. The trick to removing the stress from areas of your life is to practice introspection. In moments where you find yourself stressed, have a conversation (out loud or in your head) with yourself. Talk yourself through it, admit to what is really going on in your head, and prioritize those thoughts. If it is too overwhelming, then take a break from it. It is okay to give yourself permission to take a break and not focus on it. Whatever you do, do not run away from it. Take a pause, but don’t hit the stop button. If you merely push it off and continue to push it off then whatever the issue is continues to build pressure and importance until it bursts. Often it helps when overwhelmed to talk it through with another person. Call a friend and ask them to just listen and not give advice. You already have the answer, sometimes you just need a listening ear to break the chaos.

Practice these things, and if you need help, reach out and ask questions.

Signing off Denver, CO

Today was a day of healing.

After the time spent with my dad fixing my bike yesterday we took a ride this morning that went really well. Initially I felt bad, because I am a horrible rider. I knew I would slow him down. He had the ultimate amount of patience for me, and it was really fantastic. 7 miles in he offered to let me go back and he would continue on to do his normal 35 miles. I was so pleased. I probably would have sucked it up and kept going, just because I want to be awesome at riding like my dad, but he was smart. So I turned around and after getting lost I returned to my parents house for a total of 14.5 miles.

It really has me in awe at how the relationship with my dad is changing. We are communicating better and loving first, criticizing second. We are enjoying our time together and I can tell that we are both less stressed. I think this has to do with he is changing, I am changing, and we are both growing in to our adult relationship as father and daughter.

It was with pleasure that after this I went to meet with RA, a man who is like a second father to me, and someone that I thought I lost almost two years ago to my struggles. RA owned the company that I worked for in Denver. Everyone there was like family, when I started having troubles they pointed it out. I still don’t recall how much I was losing it back then, but I trust that they knew me well enough that their concern was genuine. However, I did not react well to their urging me to get help. I walked around scared and feeling alone. I assumed any day they would can me for being crazy.

At that time I think I was wearing the “crazy” as a badge on my shirt. I had a right to be crazy, right? There had been a lot of stuff in the previous years that my sweet, kind mind just couldn’t wrap itself around… so it was a great excuse. I now know that if I am wearing the “crazy” badge, it is because I am choosing to. I am choosing to play the victim, requesting special attention and affection because I am not quite of sound mind. It really wasn’t getting me anywhere. I didn’t have the tools or the understanding at the time to be any different. I have said it before, and it still stands true… I was either the victim or the hero… there was no in between.

So I met up with RA today and sat down to just catch up. This was something that I was terrified of, up until the moment I saw his smiling face. When I went to the office a few weeks ago and everyone was happy to see me I assumed that they were just being polite. That changed when I saw RA. The familial feeling was still there. The love and respect in his was unchanged from two years ago. One of his first questions was “What happened?”, right after he said “I’ve missed you”.

We got in deep quick. I laid out where I was when I left, what I perceived and felt, what I was going through. He shared his perspective on it, which was much different than mine. In that flash of a moment I determined that perception without clarification is just like assuming. If I had been more clear headed then, as I am now, maybe I would have never left. He asked if I would move back to Denver, and if I did, would I come back to the company.

That request was more than my heart could imagine. I am not ready to go back to Denver, and maybe I will never be, but if I am, I know I have a job or at least an extended family who I will always be connected to.

So wanderer, you are probably wondering where this story applies to you… If I had not kept myself open to the chance to speak openly with both my dad and RA, I would not have felt this sense of love and understanding that today I feel. This is an important part of the journey… searching for clarification in your past. We can leave the past behind us, but if we have a chance to heal, don’t we owe it to ourselves to try?

Please, for your own sake, take the leap and try.

Signing off Denver, CO.

It was just one of those days where I only felt like doing things because I had made plans with other people. The problem I find when I get comfortable is that I become lazy. If I am uncomfortable then I am continuously staying active. I find that a little ironic. Being home at my parents though I am very comfortable. Though they have moved, I still have a strong sense of home with the same pictures on the walls and the familiar smells of my parents.

My dad really wanted to go a bike ride. I was maybe a little more than reluctant because he is a serious rider, I am, what I would call, an imaginary rider. I drive around with a bike on the back of my car and imagine I ride my bicycle. Today was going to be the day that my dad took me on a ride with him… or so we thought. My dad being the good cyclist he is decided we needed to perform full primary maintenance on my bike. He basically meant grease the chain and fill the tires. I will admit I was slightly embarrassed at the state of my bicycle. Keeping it shiny, oiled, and clean has never been one of my priorities. I have always looked for my fathers approval and we have had many bumps in the road which have increasingly made me not want to work on projects with him.

Even this past Saturday when we did work on my car I stood by full of anxiety and trying to not be in his way. I am a lot like my dad. We get easily frustrated, it changes the tone of our voice and our words become harsher. If we are working with someone it often appears to have been directed at them, even though we maybe don’t mean it. Even though I realize this I have just tried to steer clear of projects with my father for years. No matter what I comprehend about the situation, it still hurts to hear harsh words and anger pointed my direction. I love my dad and it makes me sad that I don’t want to work alongside him. The moment of sheer panic and anxiety where I feel I can do no right with my dad is when I burst in to tears and go walk miles in the cold without a coat. I can’t blame all of this on my father, but I do wonder if we could have learned to communicate better.

I only point this all out so that you can understand what occurred today, and this past Saturday. I was full of anxiety in fixing my bike with my dad. He has high standards and he knows what he is doing. I could really care less, that is not my focus. So when the first POP occurred I about fell in to tears and just ran away. It was like an explosion in my heart, I felt like I just couldn’t do right by him. I knew my dad only had a limited amount of time to bike today and here I was getting in the way of his plans. I didn’t really think this was going to end well for me. I don’t have the money to fix a bike, nor do I have the patients to deal with an upset dad.

I’ll tell you right quick that both tires blew, and then the patches on each one blew, and the gear cable was all sorts of jacked. We did not end up going for a bike ride. What physically happened to the bike is not the moral of today’s story.

I don’t know that I have seen my dad with so much patience for my failings in quite a number of years. I recall as a small child I would help him paint or in middle school I helped him remodel the basement. These moments from my early days are fond memories that have appeared as dreams. In high school I felt I could do no right by him, and that continued into my adult years. I have had my moments where I stood up to him, and felt maybe I was making headway, only to feel the verbal backhand another time.

Don’t think my father was a horrible person. He is human, just like me. We have for years struggled to communicate and I have had some very hard feelings. I have always been determined to figure it out, because I don’t want to live in a world where I feel I have no father, which seemed easier than dealing with the emotional upheaval.

So to the happy part. Today my dad had unlimited patience for me and my bicycle. I kept waiting for the outburst as the problems increased and continued. I waited for his upset and frustrated words as I told him I didn’t have the money to fix it, so he my as well keep it. I felt like my bike defeated me and it was easier to give up than argue with my dad. With tears in my eyes and a quivering lip my dad rallied me and we went to get the parts we needed. I had plans with a friend and he had a meeting a little while later, so he told me we would fix it when I got back. I was anxious about this thought, because at any moment the other shoe could drop.

I returned from hiking with my friend to find my dad humming pleasantly almost finished fixing my bike. He even had enough patience to teach me how to finish fixing it. Much like when he had enough patience last Saturday to teach me how to replace my own spark plugs.

We sat there at the end of the day and chatted. I recall for so many years my dad had been really sick, and no matter our struggles I was always afraid his bad health would win out before we could understand each other. At the point that his health was not in a good place he got the transfer to CO. It was with this transfer that he got better specialists and the help he needed. His world started changing after he got the help he needed. It is like it revitalized him. We had a conversation about how he felt different, rejuvenated, and blessed. I suddenly was seeing the dad I recall from childhood, the one who wasn’t aggravated by my every short coming.

I realized that I have seen this dad a lot over the years but because of his own struggles this was not the dad that won out in most cases. This was the dad that hugged me before judging me when I shared the hardest news I ever had to share with him. This was the dad who sat there and listened as I told him about my struggles with anxiety, depression, and PTS, with tears in his own eyes. This is the man who has loved me my whole life, but we both hit a rough patch and failed to communicate.

So over the last year as he has been learning and growing and healing in his new position in CO. I have been doing the same in my own life. I know that there is significant change in my dad, where he feels revitalized. I also know that I am going through significant change. So here I am at the end of the day less afraid of my father. More accepting of the fact he is human and I am human. More able to love before judging, and more capable of communicating.

The thing is that I have offered this chance to so many people in my life, but it was always hard to stay open minded about my family and the fact they are human too. The chance I offer is one to communicate, where I focus on listening, or being more patient than usual. I could have just said no to all of this, often that is my go to, but I really wanted to understand this man who is my father. Relationships take work, patience, kindness, and above all love. My ability to keep this in my today allowed me to let my father in, and led to understanding for both of us.

At the end of the day the terrible scary monster of a father I imagined I had is gone. My perceptions were crushed and in their dust was the man I have always known was there, but now it’s just honest and true, no more shadows. We’re all just human, aren’t we? I love you dad, and am so glad I am getting to know you better.

Signing off Commerce City, CO.

Today I cried. Not all day, not necessarily for that long. Today I cried because I needed to cry. I wanted to cry. I have a pretty morbid unfeeling reaction to death most of the time. I reserve myself from it. It is not the idea of a body rotting in the ground that pains me, or even the way the person was removed from this world. The pain occurs when I think of the what won’t be. Therefore I cry less when someone of a respectable old age passes away. They have lived a long life, we can sit and rejoice in the passage of time and the blessings that came with it. Death is inevitable, that is why it should not be feared.

I can’t fathom what is on the other side, is it heaven/hell, is it nothing? Maybe nothing can be either heaven or hell depending on the soul. I really try not to focus on what is next after this life, because I can’t know for certain.

I had this dream once that made me feel like angels are real, and so is heaven and hell, but that is a story for another day, even though it applies to everyday in my life.

Today I cried because the world is so unfair, people die at the hand of others… they die by their own hand… or sometimes they die without a real reason being known. I am of the age where people are starting families and having babies. I have had so many people join the club of parents who have lost babies. I say baby when others may say fetus. I am not here to debate science or politics with you. For any parent who ever wanted their child that they no longer have it was a baby, whether 9 weeks or 9 months pregnant.

I honestly try and give myself a good cry at least once a month. It is not that I hide from it the rest of the month, I just don’t feel like crying as much since I stopped drinking and started meditating. I guess this week I will have two good cries. I cried over the same thing on Sunday, apparently the death of those who never get to experience life has really been on my mind this week. I know why that is, but I am not ready to tell you yet. I also know why today I cry over it, but that is not my story to tell.

I used to cry over the past and the present and how I wished my life had been different or I had been a different person. Now mainly I cry over the lives that won’t be. Even these tears have changed from what they were a year ago. I cry because it hurts that they are gone, for everyone who experiences a loss too young. I cry for those people, not for myself, but also for myself. I think I cry because I was almost one of those gone too young.

I am living my life for those who can’t, I cannot take this for granted. I don’t think any of can. There are so many lives that will never be fully lived, so those of us who get the chance. We can’t go wasting them. We have to really live for those who won’t, because if you could ask their ghosts, most of them probably wish they could.

Signing off Commerce City, CO.

Wanderers, it is hard to find something poignant to say every day. Today was not special, I had no new epiphany to share or any great moment to tell you about. This I am fine with. So that’s what we’ll discuss today.

You cannot expect everyday in life to be a roller coaster full of ups and downs. That may be what gives you an adrenaline rush and makes life worth while, but we are not meant to have every day be extraordinary. If that were the case then we’d never feel that excitement of living. It is also true that if we feel that every single day we will go insane at some point. It’s the origins of midlife crisis and work place breakdowns. It’s alcoholism and anxiety attacks. The body needs a rest.

This is hard for people in America to believe, because we are taught to run faster and harder than everyone else in the rat race. Then if we don’t achieve these extremely high expectations we are failures or just mediocre at best. So what happens if you don’t achieve the job, the house, the spouse, the car, the kids, the status? If you allowed yourself to believe that was your purpose in life, it can lead to mental health issues, physically issues, and especially emotional confusion. You might lose the confidence or the drive to survive in life. It’s common, the world had never taught you life can be different. You’ve never been taught that “mediocre” isn’t second best. It isn’t even real.

You are a person of value, for your friends, your neighbors, that random person you kindly help, because we are human. Our value is not established by the GDP of the country we live in, though many think so. Our value is by our contribution, which may look different than someone else’s contribution. Because though we are all human, we also have individual strengths and weaknesses. It is not indicated by the gender you were born or the color of your skin.

I find moments where I feel I am not contributing in my life, since I pay no rent and don’t hold a job, I have even not gotten back in to school yet. I am contributing though, I love my neighbors who are everywhere around me as I travel. I show value to those down on their luck and share smiles. I tell my story, which has a whole lot of value. That is not my ego talking. I am working to facilitate open conversation with people in my life, both known and strangers. I also receive stories in return. Confidence is built by being okay with telling our story.

So being okay with a day where I don’t tell my story, where I tackle the necessities of life, and allow my body, mind, and soul rest… That is part of the process, it’s part of life. It very well may be that this story ends one day, because I don’t find each new day unique and beautiful. It may be that the poignant parts become my norm. I may find I no longer wander because my appetite has been fulfilled. Oh how part of me longs for that day, but the wanderer is still hungry, still searching. I’m beginning to wonder what I’m looking for… What do you think?

Signing off Commerce City, CO

Denver is such a home for me. I could drive these streets blindfolded. When I come back here, I miss it, when I am away, sometimes I forget about it. I lived here for almost 9 years. This city was the gateway to the world for me, I feel I owe it so much.

However I look back in my time here and I see the same pattern played over and over again. That pattern that ended in sadness. I know all the best dance clubs, where to get the cheapest drinks, and which long term care facilities not to check your grandparents in to. I never comes a fourteener our white water rafted. After the first year I never went skiing or mountain biking. I became this city girl who worked her ass off and partied. Don’t get me wrong, I had a ton of fun. I dated and had friends, and felt ever so glamorous compared to the Iowa girl I had been. I gained confidence, I kicked ass as a reservist, I felt like I took on the world and was winning.

It’s funny now looking back, on how I wasn’t winning, and I wasn’t exploring, and I wasn’t really getting far. I was lost. Some people graduated high school, go to college, and just make it to where they want to be. I never knew where I was going when I went to college. My parents left that door of possibilities too open for me. I wonder if they saw how lost I was when I ran as far as comfortable from those Iowa cornfields.

I was successful at the jobs I worked, in the navy, I even had boyfriend after boyfriend. My scale of what I considered “making it” was pretty narrow. Something was missing, in fact I would breakdown over the fact I couldn’t save the world, I couldn’t help other people. That whole time, by other people, I meant me.

So I went to war to find myself… FYI… That is not the way to do it. Instead of making my own adventure at discovering life I thought the military would do it for me. However, they expected me to already have the thick skin necessary to put up with people being horrible to one another, and not just enemy to enemy. There us more to that story, some I’ve told before, some I’ll tell at another time.

Moral is when I returned the first time, Denver was it, I rebuilt life and it looked slightly different than before. It was more lonely. I threw myself in to an awesome career, and that just consumed me. I loved the job as an EMT, I excelled at it. I was making a difference for people, that was my mission. However it was a stepping stone and I wasn’t dealing with myself. After my second tour Denver was foreign to me in a way. I want compensating and I needed help, but I felt trapped and unable to help myself. At the time I was just still lost, now I recognize I wasn’t able to help myself and despite others trying if a person can’t help themselves a little then others trying is like speaking to a wall. They kept trying though. I’m thankful for that.

At the point I really lost it, I finally left. Now when I go back I search for how to make things different than before. Not many of the old friends are left, mostly my family. They ask me when I’m coming back, and I honestly don’t know… If… When. This city has a piece of my heart for eternity, but if I return, will I be able to keep making my life more than it was before? This wandering is making me learn how to do life differently, and I’m cautious of settling in to a place where I continue to disregard self-care.

I love you Denver, but I don’t know if we are made for each other still. I do love visiting you, and I’m learning to remember the good by being here, and not just the bad.

Signing off Denver, CO

Dear wanderers, if your relationship with your family (immediate or extended) is not something that is healthy at this time, that is okay, still listen. You should know that family is important despite your current struggles. Family can be blood or bond related. I have family of both origins. I find one of the most emotionally difficult relationships in life is with the family you were raised with. There are unspoken or spoken expectations, which you may or may not feel the burden of. You feel pressure to fit in to a mold that matches those expectations, or the opposite… Your run from it. They often feel like strangers because the relationship is not as purposeful.

So today I speak to not only how your family affects you, but how you affect them.

If you meet a new friend at the local coffee shop, would you expect them to fit your mold? What if you find out that they are completely different from you? Despite this, you enjoy each other’s company with respect and tolerance. Right? I know I have friends who are nothing like me, but we enjoy our friendship anyway. They don’t force me to play video games or eat vegetarian. I don’t force them to smoke or sing karaoke. Often they become my family by bond.

The pressure you feel from family’s to fit their mold is in both you and them. Family’s should give unconditional love, no matter who you are as a person. This stops happening when the different people cannot see outside the box they choose to live in. Each person chooses how they live, and what is right for them. Then they fail to allow others to choose differently. Sometimes it is because they think their way is the only right way, or it is the most successful way. Other times is because they are just too busy in life to learn and accept differences.

Often family members use less tact, gossip more, are more blunt, and are not easy to walk away from or ignore. They don’t respect your wishes of privacy because they don’t understand. They fail to truly listen. They offer support in so many ways that sometimes come with strings attached.

I personally grew up idolizing many of my extended family members, and so as a young adult kept trying to achieve their approval. I stood up to my parents more easily than the remainder of my family. This often left me in tears of frustration, feeling because I felt differently, believed differently that I was a failure. I started distancing myself, limiting conversations, trying to figure out me, not who they wanted me to be, but who I wanted to be. This looked a lot like a rebellious teenager. Doing things in my life to spite the wishes of others. Half the time they never knew, because I was simultaneously trying to live to their standard. Oh, how I feel so false looking back, but it was all I knew how to do and survive.

If your family does not live a positive life and enables you to do things that are not in your best interest it is okay to walk away. Maybe once you have found yourself, away from those negative influences and changed to be confident in yourself, you can return and attempt a relationship. I have seen this to be a better method than continuing to put up with it.

I’ve been lucky with my family, they always mean well (sometimes in their own twisted way), but it hasn’t always fit. They care so much that they want the others to know, so they share info that wasn’t theirs to share. I don’t think any of them have ever intentionally set out to hurt me (which I know does happen sometimes in other families). I still found myself needing to distance from them, which solved very little because I still did not understand some very important things in life. Specifically, how to deal with other people.

The same philosophy applies to family and to anyone else who attempts to influence your life. IT IS YOUR CHOICE HOW THEY AFFECT YOU. It just sometimes seems harder with families. This is really difficult to do, so often you hear from friends after you tell them about a trouble you have, “don’t let it bother you”. You respond, yeah, you’re right. Then it keeps bothering you. Maybe you wonder why you can’t just let it go.

It is in this moment I ask people, do you love yourself? Do you have confidence in the way you are living your life? If not, why are you living it that way? It takes practice to love yourself and not allow others affect the way you are, unless you want them to. You are allowing them to affect you, but then again, we were raised to respect our elders, to listen to their wisdom. They have wisdom, but it does not always apply to everyone they share it with. Sometimes they share something profound that makes your want to follow that lead, and that is great.

You cannot change how other people act our what they say, but you can learn to respond with tolerance, respect, and distance if need be. My family is crazy overbearing sometimes. They have hurt my feelings, and left me confused at times. This was an issue in my life. Now that I am journeying to find my true happiness in life, I am also finding confidence, learning to love myself, and care for myself. Today with my extended family I was more at ease, but also found that I didn’t need to speak as much.

The less I talk these days, the less I receive hurtful responses, whether intended or not. I am part of the family, but I choose not to take an active role in every conversation. I soak when I feel I have something positive and important to put in. I find this is where I am happy with my family. Helping my Papa get his food, listening to stories, and playing with the kids. I don’t share info that solicits response, because I desire no advice. I offer input about respect tolerance and love, because that us what I desire and what I desire for others.

Through everything my family had always been willing to help me out, and I live them for it. The truth about a wanderers family… Let them love you. If you are being you, and love you, which is part of the point of wandering, then you can be grateful that crazy opinionated people love you, care for you, but do not control your happiness.

I was glad I made my family reunion today. It was an important step in my journey, to make my relationship with them a priority. I hope of you have felt your family relationship is a rocky one that you can find peace, understanding, and love with them. With time scars fade and can be replaced by something better. You choose how you react.

Signing off Commerce City, CO