Today I witnessed my sister, Chebe, marry her best friend. There has been something about the journey this summer that came to a culmination in my heart as I stood next to Chebe and heard them speak their vows. I wasn’t a cold person before, but I believe that I suffered from jealousy of what others had that I did not have. The love I have in my heart at this very moment for my sister, her new husband, and his whole family is almost overwhelming.

I have worked the last couple of days to try and help the newly weds not be so stressed. I love helping ensure that weddings go off without a hitch, even if I was jealous that it was not my wedding. This wedding however, the feelings had more to do with how can I be of service to these people that I love? It became overwhelming when upon pausing I realized that it is becoming natural to serve and love without hard feelings of jealousy and selfishness. I had always striven for such a thing, but was so wrapped up in my own imperfections.

During the get to know you time between families I shared about my journey. Each day I get more and more comfortable sharing the ups and the downs of my journey. It is not described as being perfect, but then again it is not described as being miserable. I now admit that I am homeless and unemployed. It is my reality and I am not making excuses for it.

In speaking with one guest, it surprised me at what words caught her in an emotional moment.

Me: “I travel around the country in my car, I don’t live in one place and make money where I can.”

Her: “Who do you travel with?”

Me: “I travel alone and visit people along the way.”

At this point she kept repeating “Alone, you travel alone?”

I didn’t understand at first. I thought her reaction was in regards to my safety, which I have often heard from people. I kept reassuring her I was safe and smart about what I did and where I went. She finally corrected me and told me that she is not concerned for my safety, but she could not imagine being alone for all that time. I haven’t thought about that in a few weeks, the loneliness. I felt it, when I was driving to Oklahoma and when I cried in Ohio… it is that moment where you have only yourself to deal with. She continued on to tell me that she did not like herself, never has, and could not imagine having to be with only herself for all that time.

I remember those days, where I didn’t like myself. There are days still where I am not happy with myself and I would prefer to ignore myself. I have more days where I am just okay being me now. There is success in the journey I am walking. There is also sharing in this journey and the opportunity to make people think about things they maybe would not have thought about.

My sister’s wedding was a joyous occasion. They both know who they are, and they know each other. They are best friends and couldn’t imagine not being together. They each have a personal journey to follow, but know that they will be better and stronger together, rather than apart. I think the answer is that you know when you know. It is instinctual, and amazing. I was glad to celebrate that today and I was glad to share my story with new friends who will stay in touch and follow the journey.

Signing off, Long Beach, CA

In The Alchemist the shepherd finds a crystal shop after he is robbed of everything. This crystal shop gives him a job so he can make the funds he needs to continue searching for his personal legend. I do not know what my personal legend looks like, but I know it is not where I have been.

I have been robbed merely by my own inability to properly balance my funds. I trusted in the fact that some money I am still expecting would come through in time. I do not regret spending the money I did when I felt it was warranted. I took a risk that I found necessary on accommodations. Maybe it was folly to assume that my money would come as I expected it. Maybe a portion of this journey has to do with better handling my money. This week has been a hard one financially.

It is difficult to have others continue to say they wish they were doing what I am doing, when I know that I now have so little. I find myself full of shame for needing to be fully supported by others. I want to be vulnerable, but in my shame and anxiety my tongue turns sharp. I do not wish to be sharp with those I love and interact with, especially because it is not their fault that I am now in this situation.

I feel that I am at a tipping point. I wonder if I should continue on as a beggar, hoping for the good will of others to fund my path? Or should I find a position in order to make money? Then I ask myself, will this position be a Crystal Shop for me, or will it be returning to the painful place I am walking away from?

Over the last week I have sat and looked at jobs, attempted to fill out applications and work on my resume. I falter and feel that I can only fail at trying. It is failing to not even try. But what do I do? How do I keep this journey going?

I feel anger at the world because money is needed, because no one wants to live as I do. Am I starting to regret this? I hope not. I love what I am doing, but it is so hard. I hear the whine in my head as I write those words. I am sitting here looking for my fairy tale story. All the while a part of me is moving my fairy tale, saying it is nothing more than just a dream.

How do I make these hard decisions in life? How do I become miss the person I want to be? What I am doing feels right when I am justifying myself, but in the quiet… I can’t tell you, but knew that it is not as confident as I may let on.

I’ll ponder these difficult thoughts, and hope that I reach a decision which feeds the need of who I am.

Signing off Long Beach, CA