Last Day of Operation Double Trouble! The house that my crew started at the end of the day Thursday needs to be finished, we worked on it yesterday too. Today we have thrown everyone that is left on it so that we can wrap up and spend the afternoon cleaning everything.

Yesterday was a joy because jumped in the river after work and enjoyed the outdoors. Today we followed up with scheduled river time. It is a beautiful river, and so hard to believe that it went up 40 or 50 feet (or more some claimed).

We worked with the homeowners cousin (brother? Er, now I forget) and a guy named Sid who ran the loader. Between Sid on his Loader and the kick ass team we had still in place we were able to come up with what ended up feeling like a seamless process. Mind you, yesterday I got a truck stuck, so they’re having me ride in the passenger seat. I like to remind people what not to do by showing them.

So we are finishing up at the four week mark for this operation, I have been on the ground for two weeks. I am at the point that this is home. They would do well to turn me around to another operation. I have caught my second wind! Though I shouldn’t speak too soon as a little birdie just whispered about straight line winds striking an area back home…

I don’t that I have much to say today. It has been a crazy couple of weeks and I am not even through the first month of this trip. I am comfortable knowing I am not going back to that old job, and am excited to see where everything takes me. Hopefully I will hit the road on my own soon and figure out who I am, what I am doing, and where I want to plant my roots.

For the last time, Signing Off Wimberley, TX

Lots of folks I don’t know rolled in with this new crew, and I am loving connecting the dots! As it turns out, one woman, Al, and I have been connected by less than six degrees for a number of years. She is from the Denver area and thanks to my years in the EMS field there, we have quite a few people in common. In fact she works for a guy who trained me when I got my first “EMS” job doing wheelchair transports. One of the cool things about TR, the military, and the world of first responders is that it is a very tight knit world. Half the time if I sit around with someone long enough it turns out that we know the same people, or have potentially crossed paths in the past. So Al reminds me so much of some of the wonderful women I used to work with back in Denver. It was one of those situations where we automatically connected. By the end of the week, here we are giggling like little school girls.

Ash and I met on my first op with TR and we have kept up on FB for the last 21 months. I didn’t recognize her at first when she appeared out of thin air earlier this week, I noticed Jaz. Her lovely service animal. I don’t think I was quite awake, all I saw was a lovely puppy running up to me. Both of them remembered me. It has only been 20 months, but it feels like it has been longer. It was so great to reunite!

Wanderers, sometimes when you are missing something in your life, you don’t notice until you have it again. The life I was living before wandering was a lonely one, filled with crap that held very little importance to the life I wanted to live. Part of that crap was men who only wanted one thing from me, no matter the words that came from their lips. It has been slowly hitting me that I was missing so much more than I realized when I would say I was lonely in the past. Spending time with Al and Ash and the other lovely ladies fills that hole I have. It is the hole of a saddened wandering soul, looking for kinship in the midst of a crowd of strangers. I used to not value the women in my life. Somewhere along the way I found them to be “bitches” or arrogant or enemies. I would try to be friends and it would end with them saying similar things about me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? I often wonder this, in my head, and yes, in all capital letters.

I used to wear the fact that I only hung out with guys as a badge of pride. Not that being friends with men is always in poor taste, but in my case it became that way. The female who is always friends with guys MUST be REALLY FRIENDLY with them. I didn’t get it at first when I heard that. It made the other girls not like me and eventually I became too friendly with them, because that was the expectation from everyone around me. I chose to continue being friends with guys because, what other choice did I have? I couldn’t be friends with girls, their words were worst than what the guys would say. So at the point that I came back from war, feeling like I was either to be a piece of meat for men to taste or for women to beat on, I kind of gave up. Then again I didn’t really, I just selectively chose people who mentally or emotionally abused me, because that is what I thought I deserved. I would have moments of sanity, where I would run from those people, only to feel like I had nowhere to run to, so I would return to insanity and continue the old ways. Somewhere in my head I had trumped up these ideas that I had no one to turn to. They were all my enemy; I was not worth anything. I was valued as nothing more than meat. I was still me though, somewhere inside of me. I worked tirelessly to learn a medical trade, to help save people from physical ailments. I was still me, looking back on it you would think that I was insane. I was working to help people while simultaneously believing that all people had a really nasty ulterior motive, no matter their gender.

My shrink said this would happen. As I heal I will begin to create again, and so I sit here blogging, she also said that things would come out in my creations that surprise me. I used to think that the more beautiful creations come from the dark places. This recollection however is coming to light because of the light in me… which is the point of where this whole thing started.

So there is Ash, Al, Mo, and Mel… and me Vic. We realized by this point that we all basically have guy nicknames, so we went with it! The moral of the above is that the things I believed, whether they were perceived or true, don’t have to be anymore. Oh, and women are awesome! I find myself very occasionally falling back in to the old routine of disliking those around me. I still struggle. I will probably always struggle a little bit. The members of TR help me though. They will plain face tell me how they feel. If I ever forget this, I am certain someone will remind me. So this week was one of those special weeks, that I wish I could trap in a snow globe and visit on lonely cold nights. The hilariousness of us 6 gals, the closeness we felt. The joy I found in being so unified with other women. I think the guys felt bad, we really had a secret girl club going on. I can’t truly express to you the lighthearted feeling I got with these women. It is sad to know we will part in a few days. I have the feeling though that we won’t be silent in our parting, and will stay in close contact as we each move on and wait for the next operation to bring us together.

Signing off Wimberley, TX

Wanderers, everything happens for a reason. What happens will most likely always be an attempt at teaching you patients, amongst other things. I think I have come to believe this at the core of my being. There are those gut instincts that we get, yet attempt to ignore, right? Or those intuitive moments where you wanted to say something, but wrote it off, and later regretted it? I get those moments. Part of my wandering is to learn how to trust my instinctual self. To know that when something gets tossed in my path and there is no way around it, then my guardian angel is probably on to something. Today was one of those days. I have been trained with a chain saw, and though I probably cannot take down a large tree, I am certainly capable of performing PM and bucking already downed trees. So that was the plan for today. Take the crew out and have one saw team, and the others drag. Easy day, right? NOT!

So upon performing standard PM we found that both our chainsaws were defective. So while the others hand cleared what they could we worked to get different chainsaws to the site. Needless to say that did not go smoothly as the only route was completely opposite direction due to a bridge being out. So back to that communication thing from earlier this week, the logistics runner went the wrong way and our team ended up having a nice midday break. Again, any time we aren’t working, when we want to be is extremely frustrating. We were doing pretty well at practicing patience, until the new chainsaws arrived and none of them were operational either. I was concerned that it was operator error, but my sawyer partner was having the same issues, and he’s a bit more experienced than me.

We ended up getting reassigned to another Debris Management situation, and it all worked out. We also found out later that the chainsaws did have issues, and it was not an operator error. There is something that feels so good in knowing that following my training led to making the right call, and also that my training didn’t fail me. I was taking it pretty hard, assuming that I was the reason the saws wouldn’t work. I guess it is a good lesson for me to learn and practice that I should not assume fault about myself, let alone anyone else.

I’m keeping this short and sweet for today. Just remember my dear wanderers, it’s a long race, so practice patients, and start listening to your instincts. You can trust yourself.

Signing off Wimberley, TX

When Team Rubicon deploys to an area we have the ability to be self-sustaining. However, we find that most communities LOVE to feed us. We in return LOVE to be fed by them. I have had some extremely tasty dishes over the last couple of years.

Today our projects were all about taking the debris out from under houses that were on pylons high above where the river is now. Unfortunately during the flood the river swept right under these homes. They were very fortunate to be secured so well. The undersides however were in need of debris management. Getting under a house that is 6 feet off the ground on one side but less than 2 feet off the ground on the other side takes tricky work. Especially when a couple of the guys were right around 6 foot. Thankfully their respective branches of the military taught them to crawl on their belly, so they tackled the task in no time.

Our second property was a similar task except that the bottom of the home was 40 feet off the ground. It was also down a steep hill. We discussed many different ways to tackle getting the plywood and insulation up to the road for curbside removal. There was discussion of floating it down the river to pull out elsewhere, or creating a pulley system to take it up the hill with less effort. These were of course ideas of the leadership, the crew however favored the KISS method, and chose to hand carry it up the awesome stone steps. This house was particularly interesting because there was Bamboo everywhere! About 60 feet worth of stone steps from the road down to the river behind the house, and it was in a jungle of Bamboo. It was quite majestic.

The owner of this particular property also owns the cutest little restaurant in town! They were so appreciative of our work on their property that they provided us lunch at the restaurant. I have had some great meals, like I said, but Linda’s Fine Foods was so tasty. They fed us to well that we were reluctant to return to work because we all needed food coma’s after the delicious meal. The couple came out and sat with us while we ate and shared stories with us, and we were able to share the story of Team Rubicon.

We come to work our butts off on these operations, so it is always extremely special to get to take a little downtime midday to get to know the homeowners we are helping and to find out about their cooking. Overall today was a good day, and we are wrapping up towards the end of the week, so I best get some sleep and share more with you later.

PS If you are ever in Wimberley, TX… go eat at Linda’s Fine Foods!

Signing off Wimberley, TX

Day 23… Has it only been 23 days since I started this journey? I haven’t gone anywhere yet, really. I thought when I left my stuff in storage and planned to hit the road that I would feel like I was getting somewhere. Not that I don’t love being out here with Team Rubicon. I guess I am just itching to see what the adventure looks like for me on the road. My plans changed when I didn’t get the position I applied for, so now I am even freer than originally planned.

Today I find myself looking back. My team changed a little bit, but they are still going strong! We finished out the debris management from yesterday. I had a moment today where I stood, looking at the debris pile, with the river flowing behind it. I felt a heavy weight on my heart, one that I only feel when I take a moment to survey the task at hand and remember.

My first flood response was when I was 18 years old.

I was a freshman in college and I sat in my dorm room and watched the news as my beautiful New Orleans was almost swept off the map. I spent half of my childhood there, if you didn’t know. I always thought I would return. Then Hurricane Katrina hit, and the levees didn’t hold. Why are the sad or painful memories the ones that stick with you the most? I sat in my dorm room, sobbing, wishing I could do something, anything, for a town I loved so much. Later, I went to church and I told the Vicar about how sad I was. How I wished we could do something. My dad immediately went to New Orleans and worked alongside a couple of pastors to help the community. I wished I could do the same, but I was in my first semester at college, life didn’t allow me to go. I don’t really recall the details of the plan, but my Vicar came back to me at some point and offered a mission trip over the following spring break for our members. I was overjoyed to know we would be helping. It was, and still is, devastating to think that 6 months after that disaster they still needed crews to perform interior demolition on homes. We were given pre-deployment counseling on the devastation we would see, and how to cope with it. As always I took all of it very seriously.

We went down for a week with a team of 10 or so, we gutted 2.5 homes. We stood in the midst of properties that had been left abandoned due to the flooding and removed possessions that were waterlogged. None of us had done this kind of work before. It was very REAL, that feeling of seeing the devastation. People deal with it differently. Some run from it, some run to it, and others are spectators. We charged head long in to it, tackling the task at hand, because we were going to help these homeowners. Being there was close to my heart, but the others didn’t have a personal connection to it. Often it is easier to not have a personal connection. The work we did blurs together with the work I have done since joining Team Rubicon. Interior Demolition and Debris Management… though I didn’t know those fancy terms back then.

There are vivid images I recall…

They took the sledgehammer away from me because I put it through a wall almost in to a person’s head. I warn against just such an occurrence now with Team Rubicon.

The tall people worked high and I worked low (because I’m not tall…). This led to me being under the wrong section of dried out moldy dry wall that came down on my shoulder, leaving a fist sized bruise that colored almost immediately. I sported that “battle scar” for 5 weeks before it completely went away.

There was the refrigerator that though strapped closed, still opened and everyone ran from the house due to the smell. Thank goodness for Tiger Balm under our nose.

Or how about when Joseph opted to read the N-95 box which warned that those masks were not graded for mold protection? Or we wiped our hands on dirty pants before sticking them inside the chip bags at lunch?

Then there was the home where the debris was piled two feet high and I started to wonder what my stuff would look like if there was a flood. The debris was at the point that we couldn’t make out carpet from books. There had been children in that house, and they had had many toys. Fish tanks that once housed fish now housed remaining flood water and debris. I am trying how best to describe to you the exact feeling of looking at this for the first time…

It’s like when you forget to take the clothes out of the washer for several days. That smell that makes you just want to throw it all away, but you like those clothes, so you do what you need to in order to save them. Even if it means washing them again several times. Except in this case, you can’t wash it out, they are just ruined. Now imagine that it is not just your clothes, but your favorite books, the photo albums of your children and loved ones, the good china from your great grandmother… the feeling that occurs when your heart goes from being in your throat when the storm hit to being stepped on with every step you take. Your skin tingles as you view the wreckage before you, like the hairs are going to stand on end, but not quite, because they cannot quite believe what they are seeing. It is a deafening silence in my head to recall that moment. Though I am sure it was loud all around me. It struck me as heart wrenching.

This particular family opted to not come see us clean out their house. We were told that they had expressed gratitude but it was too hard for them to see. I am glad they were not there; I still recall how high the pile of debris got as we removed the interior debris. In my mind I still see the white siding of the house, stark in contrast to the debris pile which filled the yard and flowed in to the street. About 7 months later I returned to the neighborhood, to see the rebuild work, and to feel that the city was coming back around. No one had rebuilt in the houses we touched, it didn’t appear that many were rebuilding anywhere. I knew that we had done good, even if the homeowners didn’t return. We had taken a load off their shoulders. I didn’t understand it as well back in 2006, but now with TR the process makes more sense, for how the homeowners, communities, and organizations involved in disaster handle things.

So back to the modern day, standing in that pile of debris, I felt sorrow, because someone was regretting having lost that house, where memories were made, and summers were spent. It was a vacation house, which originally made me think differently about it. I realize in that moment today that it was still a place someone cherished, someplace that reminded them of the good ole days and summers on the river.

How often I worry that my sensitivities are being hardened to the sight of pain and disaster. It is good to have moments such as this, to take a moment of silence and share in the sorrow of the tragic event that has occurred. Wanderers, remember that pain and sadness are also parts of life, don’t run from it, accept it, feel it, and then let yourself move on to the task at hand. This is what I did today.

Signing off Wimberley, TX

A new kick ass crew has rolled in to Operation Double Trouble! We all got down and dirty today! There are so many newbies here, which I love, because they are so inquisitive. They have so many questions, and I love to be able to give the answers. I remain as a Team Lead, but have been given a whole new crew. I have to give it up to the new guys today. They were very patient as we went from property to property determining that tasks had been completed before we got there. It is always good to see that properties still on our list are completed, and the homeowners have been taken care of. It is difficult for a newbie who wants to get out there and work to see this on their first day. Finally we came to a property that was going to take us a good deal of time, so we got right down to work. Even though it only came to about half a day of manual labor, my crew was quite tired in the end. They kicked ass. We arrived to face a pile of debris pushed all together in a tangled mess. The mission was to move that tangled mess to the street about 50 yards away for removal. It wasn’t that the pieces were to large or too heavy, but they were so tangled we had to cut apart the pile at different points, so begin moving. As luck would have it, the guys on the team had a pretty good grasp of how to accomplish this. There wasn’t much room on the road, but we were able to connect with the debris removal contractors and have them take it away so we could start fresh the next day.

It’s a wonderful sight to see a group of people with such amazing hearts come together and work so tirelessly toward their goal. These guys are veterans, civilians, and first responders. They range from age 19 to age 60(ish). They don’t know each other from Adam and here they are focusing on a task together. I feel so fortunate to be a part of this group. It is also great when the group of men I work with don’t seem to notice I am a woman, so they allowed me to be a part of their effortless group. We all had one goal in mind, clean up the mess, and we looked at each other as equals. Each with our own strengths and weaknesses melded together to create a unified team. I wrote yesterday about how communication is difficult, and it is, then you get days like today where communication seems effortless and without noise. It reminds me of when I was at Save A Warrior in the pen with the horses and we were told just to commune with them. Speak is only one form of communication. The layers beneath the noise we make speak so much louder sometimes. So when a team comes together and works in unison it is non-verbal communication at work. It is the willingness of each team member, whether consciously or not, to follow the non-verbal cues of the others around them. Sure we had lots of talking, or ideas about how to do things, but there was no butting of heads, no stress in those conversations. It seemed so effortless. Then again, maybe the others would share a different perception. I do find myself wondering if I could start asking people how they perceived a day, and compare notes. Then sometimes I think I should just let it be, not every day is a social experiment.

I guess today’s message to the wanderer is the same as yesterdays. Watch and Listen more than speak, pay attention to the non-verbal cues and communication, hear what people say with more than just the words they choose to use. It really starts to change your perspective on the people around you.

Signing off Wimberley, TX

Today was a down day. It consisted of getting to sleep in till 8am! Talk about enjoying the little excitements in life. Since people were leaving we spent the day focused on ensuring the tools were in line and well maintained. It was a rather unimportant day in the scope of things. It was one of those little mystery days where everything just feels right and nothing is too overwhelming. Plans were made, and then forgotten by afternoon naps to recover from the previous long work days. I have had the debate many times over what is the best feeling in the whole world… a sneeze? That thing that just crossed your minds, but I am too bashful to type the word? Awaking after a deep sleep due to fever? A deep hug from a loved one so missed for so long? Or maybe, just maybe it is the nap that comes upon you at exactly the right time after you have worked numerous hours that take both a physical, mental, and emotional toll on the body? Well today it was the latter. Though at any moment one of those other things may overcome this feeling, but for now I will hold waking from my nap, refreshed, as one of the most amazing feelings.

If our wonderful Incident Commander, Bob, were not such a brilliant man, we may not have had a down day. Often in the excitement of helping communities it is difficult to remember to step back and care for ourselves. It is a thing of brilliance to know that those who lead us still recall giving us breaks, and ensuring we have time for self-care. Bob is someone I feel I have known for a thousand years, and he is dear to my heart. When I am near Bob in a position of leadership I pay close attention, trying to learn as much as I can. He appears to be stoic, often deep in thought, very serious, but then he cracks a smile, or shares a hug and it is even more enjoyable than if he were always laughing and smiling. As a wanderer it is important to watch people like this and learn from them. He has so much wisdom to give and so much patience to go along with it. Sometimes watching the behaviors of such a strong leader and processing them to understand why they behave as they do is just as powerful and educating as sitting and asking them questions. Initially I thought Bob and I would be at odds, not understanding one another. As I have learned to watch and listen first and react second I have been able to process the things he has taught me in deeper ways.

The moment that we came to an understanding was a very interesting one. He had calmly told me to stuff it and I was about reading to scream like a tea kettle. We view the world differently, or so I thought. I was young, each day I grow so much older, I swear. Communication is a tricky business, especially when you take people who do not know each other, ask them to suddenly work together, and then expect that to go flawlessly? I think not. The beast that is communication takes patients, a gentle touch, a willingness to be wrong, and an even greater willingness to continue to try. The funny thing is, if you ask Bob, he would probably either not recall that moment, or tell it a different way. I was ready to explode and Bob asked me to step outside with him. We broke it down, had a heart to heart, got to the bottom of where each of us had been in that conversation, then hugged it out. That may have been the first hug from Bob, which meant more to me than he probably even knows. Each hug after that was a reflection of that first hug that meant a lot to me. Part of me hopes he doesn’t read this, and I think I should title it an ‘Ode to Bob’.

The moral of writing about such a person is that as a Wanderer, you should be paying attention to the mentors in your life. To how they react to the world and the situation, then learn from that, and ask questions. Value the relationships that seem like they are impossible, and discover a way of communication to make them possible. I am sure that I still bug Bob to no end sometimes, but I also hope that he has seen some great change and learning in me. I feel that I have gained a lot from such a relationship. Wanderers, find your leaders, your mentors, let them lead and mentor you, you aren’t doing this alone. If you think you are, well then you just haven’t gotten the point yet, so keep trying, until it clicks!

Signing off Wimberley, TX