I am a woman. A woman who has lived in a mans world for my whole life. When I matured to adulthood I went straight into a field of work that did not have a long history of allowing women, and was still restricted for women in many areas. I sometimes find myself giving the military full credit for the fact that as a woman I feel that I am often under qualified, potentially less than in a crowd of people, and do not speak these words. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I need to give our society at large credit, including the military, for the words that I don’t speak.

I dare not tell you these words, because you will likely call me sensitive. I dare not speak these words because then I will be labeled a drama queen. I dare not share these words for fear of being considered a bitch.

I find that as I reconnect with my wild woman intuition, and find the me that I want to be, I still do not speak these words enough. My words are spoken in small huddles of people, mostly women, that I am close to. They are women who nod their heads, eager to also say the words that they do not speak. We look at stories from our lives to try and understand why we do not speak these words out loud in a group. Even in groups where everything else is safe to say, we do not speak these words.

Fear grips us when we think about the need to shift around a subject or a person for fear of needing to speak the words we do not speak. We speak individually of these things with men who have a special place for us, but we still have fear in our hearts that they will still label or reject us, because it happens. We also do not select just any woman to speak these words with, for as women we have been taught the danger of other women as well. It is difficult because we also know for those we are close with, that their love knows no bounds, but they have also been raised in a society that does not desire us to speak these words and so does not understand us.

I want to tell you these words that I do not speak, but I feel I need to let you in on some other things before you hear the words. I want you to understand that the words I don’t speak should be spoken. That when they are spoken, it is not meant to demean anyone, myself or the person I say them to. It is not meant to offend, cause harm, or cause emotional pain. It does not mean that I don’t like you, love you, or care for you. If it does, then you need to process it, and not put that back on me. Just as we work to teach our children boundaries, I am working to teach myself boundaries. These are words that should be said without hesitation or fear.

Before I tell you these words think back to elementary school days. I recall (and many of you may also) not being allowed to bring birthday party invitations to class, unless I was inviting everyone. I think about this story and I think about what doing that potentially teaches our children. That in group environments, everyone is expected to be just as involved as everyone else or it doesn’t happen. In group environments I am not supposed to set my boundaries with those that I am not close to, for fear of hurting their feelings. In group environments it is better to keep the waters calm, rather than speak the words I need to speak.

So there are words that I do not speak for fear of many things.

I don’t want to be touched right now. No hugs today. No hugs for you. Do not step that close to me. I do not want to talk. Stop. No. I am not interested. I do not want to sit by you. I need space. I need to be alone. I need to slow down for a minute. I need to not rush into things. I want to slow down. I want to not rush things. I know what I need. I am not fine, but I will be okay. Stop. No. I don’t want to. I am not going to. I want space. Leave me alone. I know what I am talking about. Listen to me.

There are many reasons for speaking these words and mostly they have to do with me and my boundaries. I should not fear using these words to set my boundaries. I should not fear social criticism for saying No or don’t touch me. I should not wait until I finally explode with emotion and say these words. No one, male or female, should ever have to live in fear of saying these words in a group or alone. It is not okay. I am not interested in excuses. It does not matter who the person is I am saying them to. What matters is that I am saying them, and the words I say should be honored. I may not say them to everyone in a group, but I shouldn’t be forced to treat everyone with the same level of intimacy that I treat those I am close to.

If I behave in a way that describes these words, then that should also be honored. I should not be forced to say many of these words. A lot of this has to do with not assuming things about a person. It is about respecting them. The saying is not “do unto others as you wish done unto yourself” it is “do unto others as THEY wish done unto themselves.” It is okay to ask permission before touching a person, to have direct conversations about if something is okay or not, if it makes them comfortable or not. Maybe I don’t want to be hugged today even if you hug me every other time, but I should feel that telling you that is not going to damage our relationship. The next step is to let it be, accept the answer, stop asking the questions over and over. I trust you will tell me if you need something, give the same trust to me.

There are many things I have been taught about being a woman, and though I see signs that our society is changing, I am still struggling to change. Many of these are a habit for me. A habit from living in a world where I am expected and told to have a thicker skin or not cry. A habit formed from being called a bitch instead of a leader. A habit formed from being called a prude instead of someone with good boundaries. A habit formed from being taught that kindness and smiling meant I was a whore. From a young age I was taught some things about how to act in society, but they were solidified while in the service.

It’s time we make it normal to speak the words that we do not speak. It is time for those we speak them to, to encourage our actions, and to accept the words we say without excuses. These are the words I don’t easily speak, but I am working to say them because I am important and so are my boundaries. I am not going to stay quiet anymore and I will not allow anyone to call me names. Help me stop making these words so easy to not speak.

Original Post on Medium.