It is fitting that I sit here and write the end to you on such a prolific night as New Years Eve. Earlier this evening I used my Karaoke app (Sing!) to record myself singing “Auld Lang Syne” with some of the traditional Robert Burns verses in the original Scottish. Ever since I ditched my car on Christmas Eve day I have been dealing with weather related crisis. Either on my own or within the TR region. As I sang Auld Lang Syne over and over practicing the right pronunciation I began to think about the story behind the song. It is a song dedicated to making a decision about remembering the past. The beginning sentences inquire if we should stay acquaintances with these past moments. By the end of the poem/song it comes full circle to drinking a cup of kindness in the pasts memory. It is about moving forward but fondly recalling the past, both the good and bad.

So after the strike of midnight it will be 7 months since I started this journey. I have not always been faithful in posting, but will get caught up eventually. I have made some amazing choices, like quitting my job, and some poor choices, like procrastinating from writing and even meditating daily.

So maybe I have you wondering, is this the end of the wanderer? There must be more to the guidebook than this. This is the end though… of something. I have been “homeless” for seven months, but never without a safe place to lay my head. I have been unemployed, taking work wherever I can get it. I have been below zero on every account. I have suffered, I have succeeded, I have struggled. I have fought my own demons and demons that others throw at me.

To recap I started my year out suicidal trying to get in to a 7 week inpatient program, wondering how I would find a way to survive in this world. When the VA failed to accept me in a program in a timely manner because of their misguided understand about legislation dealing with Reservists, I was guided by my TR family to pursue Save A Warrior. I prayed every day for 6 weeks that I would still be alive when I entered the week long program in Malibu. I was a skeptic, but I knew that something had to change. I put belief in to a program that told me their sole purpose was to help me find me. Oh, how long I had been lost in darkness, clinging to my demons like a dog to it’s bloody chew toy. I took the Leap of Faith and I worked the program. Returning home I found that I had more issues than just what I believed about myself, but also about my environment. I rapidly came to the conclusion that my job had to give. It didn’t matter that I was finally comfortable financially, spiritually that job made me unhealthy. So I took the pause I needed to and decided to take a leap of faith by leaving my job.

Initially the plan was to keep my apartment, but I was unable to find a roommate. This led to me choosing to hit the road. This was right around the time I found that alcohol and I are not sweet friends, we are frenemies of the worst kind. For all the work I have been doing for several years, and all the new things I had learned, alcohol was still a beast within me, too easily consumed, only to lay my life to waste. I made a promise to myself that I would set boundaries, take care of myself, and find my will to live. This meant that alcohol had to go. You don’t realize how much the world revolves around alcohol, until you try to find something to do that doesn’t include drinking. It wasn’t easy, my pride insisted that I was a connoisseur of all forms of alcohol (except rum… terrible sailor… worse pirate). At the beginning of the year I gave up dating and relationships, practicing redirection of my attention and mind from such things. I wanted my will-power back. By the point I gave up alcohol I was 4 months in to sobriety from relationships, which was a miracle since I had still been drinking. Since that time I have stayed sober from alcohol and very occasionally gone on a date, only to discover I wasn’t interested or ready to be back on the field. I have set boundaries in my life for both relationships and with alcohol. I am improving and getting better. Today I can tell you that it’s been eight months and 11 days since my last drink. I couldn’t be more proud of myself.

So as I entered sobriety I hit the road, wondering at what weak moment I would give in to a drink. I surrounded myself with people from each of my different passions and communities. I asked for help before I needed it. I leaned in to the journey and worked on leaning in to the communities. I honestly had no idea what I was doing when I left. I had planned nothing. You’ve read my ups and downs. I was back in Cedar Rapids for almost two months working a retail job for barely minimum wage and received physical therapy. All I could think is that I want to get the hell out dodge, Cedar Rapids was not good for me. I wanted to move on and keep traveling, but it is winter and it is cold out. I have so much I don’t want to give up from the road, but sometimes I find myself very tired of adventuring. I faltered in my steps and really had to rely on myself when some bad news came out of the Save a Warrior program. This led to me rescinding my recommendation of that organization, something that hurt both my pride and my heart. I rapidly had to rely on my self care practices and the knowledge that what I learned and was living did not lose any value because of the actions of a few reckless misleading men. I saw new things arise in Team Rubicon for the better, and have begun to study myself in regards to my position, trying to determine where I belong in this world.

I don’t think I found what I was looking for at all during my adventure, but I found things that I never could have imagined or understood unless I did that. So now I am near Kansas City, working on finding a place to live. I am looking to be stationary, but to never settle. I am also not ending the wanderers guidebook. It will continue, because as I have said many times over the months, you do not have to physically wander to be a wanderer and walk your journey.

As I have written and journeyed I have wondered what it looks like to be a wanderer who is stationary and has to pay the rent. I am not looking forward to renting again, but I am looking forward to what is in store for this coming year. So 2015, goodnight, this is the end to you. You have been so good to, more good than cruel. I have found memories I thought I had lost, and connected with my loved ones in a way I couldn’t imagine. If being 28 in 2015 was this amazing, what will 2016 and turning 29 look like? With each passing moment it all becomes Auld Lang Syne, and the future is full of hope.

Something that occurred to me tonight is that the reason the future should have more power in a persons life is because it is full of hope, which encompasses everything. The past is merely the wake left behind a ship under a moonlit sky. It is visible, both beautiful and painful, but none the less behind you and no longer has control over you. Remember dear wanderers, every day is a day for resolutions and opening new chapters of your book. Every life is a story. I’m telling you mine, who do you tell yours to?

Happy New Year, my dears! Remove the old and replace it with the new. Thank you for following my wonderful journey. This chapter closes with The End. Tomorrow it will begin again.

Signing off Smithville, MO.