In The Alchemist the shepherd finds a crystal shop after he is robbed of everything. This crystal shop gives him a job so he can make the funds he needs to continue searching for his personal legend. I do not know what my personal legend looks like, but I know it is not where I have been.

I have been robbed merely by my own inability to properly balance my funds. I trusted in the fact that some money I am still expecting would come through in time. I do not regret spending the money I did when I felt it was warranted. I took a risk that I found necessary on accommodations. Maybe it was folly to assume that my money would come as I expected it. Maybe a portion of this journey has to do with better handling my money. This week has been a hard one financially.

It is difficult to have others continue to say they wish they were doing what I am doing, when I know that I now have so little. I find myself full of shame for needing to be fully supported by others. I want to be vulnerable, but in my shame and anxiety my tongue turns sharp. I do not wish to be sharp with those I love and interact with, especially because it is not their fault that I am now in this situation.

I feel that I am at a tipping point. I wonder if I should continue on as a beggar, hoping for the good will of others to fund my path? Or should I find a position in order to make money? Then I ask myself, will this position be a Crystal Shop for me, or will it be returning to the painful place I am walking away from?

Over the last week I have sat and looked at jobs, attempted to fill out applications and work on my resume. I falter and feel that I can only fail at trying. It is failing to not even try. But what do I do? How do I keep this journey going?

I feel anger at the world because money is needed, because no one wants to live as I do. Am I starting to regret this? I hope not. I love what I am doing, but it is so hard. I hear the whine in my head as I write those words. I am sitting here looking for my fairy tale story. All the while a part of me is moving my fairy tale, saying it is nothing more than just a dream.

How do I make these hard decisions in life? How do I become miss the person I want to be? What I am doing feels right when I am justifying myself, but in the quiet… I can’t tell you, but knew that it is not as confident as I may let on.

I’ll ponder these difficult thoughts, and hope that I reach a decision which feeds the need of who I am.

Signing off Long Beach, CA