It was just one of those days where I only felt like doing things because I had made plans with other people. The problem I find when I get comfortable is that I become lazy. If I am uncomfortable then I am continuously staying active. I find that a little ironic. Being home at my parents though I am very comfortable. Though they have moved, I still have a strong sense of home with the same pictures on the walls and the familiar smells of my parents.

My dad really wanted to go a bike ride. I was maybe a little more than reluctant because he is a serious rider, I am, what I would call, an imaginary rider. I drive around with a bike on the back of my car and imagine I ride my bicycle. Today was going to be the day that my dad took me on a ride with him… or so we thought. My dad being the good cyclist he is decided we needed to perform full primary maintenance on my bike. He basically meant grease the chain and fill the tires. I will admit I was slightly embarrassed at the state of my bicycle. Keeping it shiny, oiled, and clean has never been one of my priorities. I have always looked for my fathers approval and we have had many bumps in the road which have increasingly made me not want to work on projects with him.

Even this past Saturday when we did work on my car I stood by full of anxiety and trying to not be in his way. I am a lot like my dad. We get easily frustrated, it changes the tone of our voice and our words become harsher. If we are working with someone it often appears to have been directed at them, even though we maybe don’t mean it. Even though I realize this I have just tried to steer clear of projects with my father for years. No matter what I comprehend about the situation, it still hurts to hear harsh words and anger pointed my direction. I love my dad and it makes me sad that I don’t want to work alongside him. The moment of sheer panic and anxiety where I feel I can do no right with my dad is when I burst in to tears and go walk miles in the cold without a coat. I can’t blame all of this on my father, but I do wonder if we could have learned to communicate better.

I only point this all out so that you can understand what occurred today, and this past Saturday. I was full of anxiety in fixing my bike with my dad. He has high standards and he knows what he is doing. I could really care less, that is not my focus. So when the first POP occurred I about fell in to tears and just ran away. It was like an explosion in my heart, I felt like I just couldn’t do right by him. I knew my dad only had a limited amount of time to bike today and here I was getting in the way of his plans. I didn’t really think this was going to end well for me. I don’t have the money to fix a bike, nor do I have the patients to deal with an upset dad.

I’ll tell you right quick that both tires blew, and then the patches on each one blew, and the gear cable was all sorts of jacked. We did not end up going for a bike ride. What physically happened to the bike is not the moral of today’s story.

I don’t know that I have seen my dad with so much patience for my failings in quite a number of years. I recall as a small child I would help him paint or in middle school I helped him remodel the basement. These moments from my early days are fond memories that have appeared as dreams. In high school I felt I could do no right by him, and that continued into my adult years. I have had my moments where I stood up to him, and felt maybe I was making headway, only to feel the verbal backhand another time.

Don’t think my father was a horrible person. He is human, just like me. We have for years struggled to communicate and I have had some very hard feelings. I have always been determined to figure it out, because I don’t want to live in a world where I feel I have no father, which seemed easier than dealing with the emotional upheaval.

So to the happy part. Today my dad had unlimited patience for me and my bicycle. I kept waiting for the outburst as the problems increased and continued. I waited for his upset and frustrated words as I told him I didn’t have the money to fix it, so he my as well keep it. I felt like my bike defeated me and it was easier to give up than argue with my dad. With tears in my eyes and a quivering lip my dad rallied me and we went to get the parts we needed. I had plans with a friend and he had a meeting a little while later, so he told me we would fix it when I got back. I was anxious about this thought, because at any moment the other shoe could drop.

I returned from hiking with my friend to find my dad humming pleasantly almost finished fixing my bike. He even had enough patience to teach me how to finish fixing it. Much like when he had enough patience last Saturday to teach me how to replace my own spark plugs.

We sat there at the end of the day and chatted. I recall for so many years my dad had been really sick, and no matter our struggles I was always afraid his bad health would win out before we could understand each other. At the point that his health was not in a good place he got the transfer to CO. It was with this transfer that he got better specialists and the help he needed. His world started changing after he got the help he needed. It is like it revitalized him. We had a conversation about how he felt different, rejuvenated, and blessed. I suddenly was seeing the dad I recall from childhood, the one who wasn’t aggravated by my every short coming.

I realized that I have seen this dad a lot over the years but because of his own struggles this was not the dad that won out in most cases. This was the dad that hugged me before judging me when I shared the hardest news I ever had to share with him. This was the dad who sat there and listened as I told him about my struggles with anxiety, depression, and PTS, with tears in his own eyes. This is the man who has loved me my whole life, but we both hit a rough patch and failed to communicate.

So over the last year as he has been learning and growing and healing in his new position in CO. I have been doing the same in my own life. I know that there is significant change in my dad, where he feels revitalized. I also know that I am going through significant change. So here I am at the end of the day less afraid of my father. More accepting of the fact he is human and I am human. More able to love before judging, and more capable of communicating.

The thing is that I have offered this chance to so many people in my life, but it was always hard to stay open minded about my family and the fact they are human too. The chance I offer is one to communicate, where I focus on listening, or being more patient than usual. I could have just said no to all of this, often that is my go to, but I really wanted to understand this man who is my father. Relationships take work, patience, kindness, and above all love. My ability to keep this in my today allowed me to let my father in, and led to understanding for both of us.

At the end of the day the terrible scary monster of a father I imagined I had is gone. My perceptions were crushed and in their dust was the man I have always known was there, but now it’s just honest and true, no more shadows. We’re all just human, aren’t we? I love you dad, and am so glad I am getting to know you better.

Signing off Commerce City, CO.