Today I cried. Not all day, not necessarily for that long. Today I cried because I needed to cry. I wanted to cry. I have a pretty morbid unfeeling reaction to death most of the time. I reserve myself from it. It is not the idea of a body rotting in the ground that pains me, or even the way the person was removed from this world. The pain occurs when I think of the what won’t be. Therefore I cry less when someone of a respectable old age passes away. They have lived a long life, we can sit and rejoice in the passage of time and the blessings that came with it. Death is inevitable, that is why it should not be feared.

I can’t fathom what is on the other side, is it heaven/hell, is it nothing? Maybe nothing can be either heaven or hell depending on the soul. I really try not to focus on what is next after this life, because I can’t know for certain.

I had this dream once that made me feel like angels are real, and so is heaven and hell, but that is a story for another day, even though it applies to everyday in my life.

Today I cried because the world is so unfair, people die at the hand of others… they die by their own hand… or sometimes they die without a real reason being known. I am of the age where people are starting families and having babies. I have had so many people join the club of parents who have lost babies. I say baby when others may say fetus. I am not here to debate science or politics with you. For any parent who ever wanted their child that they no longer have it was a baby, whether 9 weeks or 9 months pregnant.

I honestly try and give myself a good cry at least once a month. It is not that I hide from it the rest of the month, I just don’t feel like crying as much since I stopped drinking and started meditating. I guess this week I will have two good cries. I cried over the same thing on Sunday, apparently the death of those who never get to experience life has really been on my mind this week. I know why that is, but I am not ready to tell you yet. I also know why today I cry over it, but that is not my story to tell.

I used to cry over the past and the present and how I wished my life had been different or I had been a different person. Now mainly I cry over the lives that won’t be. Even these tears have changed from what they were a year ago. I cry because it hurts that they are gone, for everyone who experiences a loss too young. I cry for those people, not for myself, but also for myself. I think I cry because I was almost one of those gone too young.

I am living my life for those who can’t, I cannot take this for granted. I don’t think any of can. There are so many lives that will never be fully lived, so those of us who get the chance. We can’t go wasting them. We have to really live for those who won’t, because if you could ask their ghosts, most of them probably wish they could.

Signing off Commerce City, CO.