Whether I predicted my own poor sleep pattern, or it happened because that was how it was going to happen, I did not sleep well last night. That left me leaving late and feeling full of anxiety. I really don’t want to have to return to Drill. I am so tired of feeling useless and inept. I am also tired of feeling broken and having to talk to people about all the steps we are taking to fix my body.
Yesterday was nice, seeing people, ignoring what today would bring. I probably should have just left yesterday, but I didn’t want to give up plans with my people to ensure I made it in time. I have been blessed with getting to stay at my friend Mik’s parents house. By the time I decided to come, it was too late to request berthing, so I had to find a place to stay.
It was a difficult drive, where I talked to a few close friends and they reminded me that the Navy only has the control over me that I let them have. That includes my emotions and attitudes. I decided to slow my pace. I wasn’t going to allow myself to ruin my body and mind over such a trivial thing. I would get there when I would get there.
I made it to Des Moines around midnight, and still needed to go to Cedar Rapids for my uniforms. The catch is that the storage unit is locked up between 10p and 6a. So there was no reason to keep going when I was already exhausted. So I stopped here for the night and will retrieve my uniforms tomorrow and just drill Sunday.
It was a rocky day emotionally. I knew when I started this journey that it wouldn’t be easy, but maybe part of me thought it would be easier than before. Before I worked a day job, I went home at night, I went to the bars afterwards… I was stressed and unhappy, it was hard to be me, but not to be distracted. Now it is difficult because I am taking responsibility for every little action, or at least attempting to. This journey is a 24/7 job. Living my life is a career I need to be dedicated to.
Even at the end of rocky days like this I know I will sleep better. I know I will wake up tomorrow and keep going ahead. It’s just difficult because I am not distracting myself, I am focusing myself. This is the most important work I have ever done in my life, and I have saved other peoples lives before. Now I am saving mine.
Signing Off Des Moines, IA