One month ago I took a leap. It was an easy leap. Today is a larger leap. I think I hid that fear in my eyes as my friends in Kansas City asked what my plans are now. I can’t go camp anywhere because it is going to be the 4th of July and honestly I can’t afford to camp ($15-$20 a night most places!). I have spent the last 30 days surrounded by my Team Rubicon Family, or functioning in some TR capacity. This bubble would pop, but it wouldn’t work like any other time the bubble popped. This time I don’t have a job or a specific place to go back to. I am expected to make decisions for myself, daily, that are positive, for me. It’s not as easy as “Find a job” and then everything else just follows the expected pattern. What I was doing wasn’t living. Working a job that felt like it would never go anywhere, there was no winning, there was no reaching the goal. The goal in that job was unattainable with the money and resources at my disposal.

Often I have felt that way in jobs before. At least when I was an EMT I would transfer my patient in to the care of someone more learned than I and I would feel a job well done. The office job just felt like it never ended. I would feel success only to have someone quit or some issue arise. When I worked customer service it was the same way. I would feel success in my department only to find that it had been messed up again by some guest. That is the nature of the service industry, and almost every industry serves someone. Ironically, when I was a nanny, I never had a goal to meet, except maybe to keep the kids alive, and that wasn’t strenuous to me.

So now I have no job to fall back on. I want the wind to carry me where it will, but now I have to face my money situation. How far can I go on the money I have? There are bills to pay for this month, I didn’t really take all that in to account. Frankly I am terrible with my money. For being someone who so often does not do the spontaneous thing due to fear I really did take a big bite out of life by doing this. This is not the first time I have wondered if what I decided to do was wrong… it is the first time that I am considering going back to the way things were.

Lucky for me, no one gets hired around a holiday, so maybe I’ll figure this all out by next week. But what am I doing for the next four or five days? At first I was reluctant, but I text my mom. I don’t want this trip to be running home to mommy and daddy to live off of them in their basement. So I was reluctant. I thought I would see what they had planned for the weekend and maybe join them, or not, but at least I would see. Turns out they are going to Steamboat for the weekend with my Uncle and Papa. I have decided to join them.

I have never been to the lake for a holiday before. Everyone is always talking about how they are going to the lake, and I never got to say that till now. So here I am folks, I am going to the Lake for the holiday! I’ll figure out the rest of the stuff next week.

Signing Off Middle of Somewhere, Kansas