Wanderer, as I have been sharing my travels thus far I have provided my ups and downs. I have not failed to share with you the struggles of finding oneself. Even in the midst of knowing you are right where you are meant to be, there are still struggles.

There are things that I feel I cannot understand about the process I am going through in my mind. This is an incorrect statement. It is not that I CANNOT… it is that I DO NOT yet understand the gaps in my understanding about my own psyche. Rome was not built in a day, correct? I await the day that I understand more easily the things that I am currently going through. As an infant I did not understand how to use a spoon, I quickly learned, as is my way, and mastered the task. I am sure at the time that I did not yet comprehend how to use the spoon I was as frustrated as I am at this very moment with my own psyche.

Part of this journey is learning who I am inside. When I am in the field with Team Rubicon and we have our ups and our downs I am always sure that this is where I am meant to be. That is not a question for me in the least. I well understand that the mission is difficult and it is also beautiful. Today was just a perfect storm of stupid for me, which was mostly me, and I don’t truly understand.

I have mentioned these two personas which define my internal self, the Wild Woman, and the Bitchy Princess. I don’t know that I saw either one today. Something else was there, and it was me, the start of me. That was difficult to deal with. I also acted poorly in reaction to it. I was tired and busy and so was not conscious of myself coming out. It took a bad turn, and in return I acted in a lower fashion than I wish to act.

It was a day with a tedious difficult interior demolition. Wanderer, keep in mind what I said about the tedious things in life, we must not let them overcome us. We must work through them, because they are necessary to the process. I however today at some point changed and I was not expecting it in the middle of the tedious difficult task at hand. I have this bad habit of getting around men and turning in to a huge flirt. Don’t get me wrong, flirting is fun, I do enjoy it. The issue is that at some point during the autopilot of flirting and cute quips I begin to get stressed out. I ask myself, what does this man want from me? Those who are close to me know of my struggle to not let that question stop me from having positive healthy relationships with men. Unfortunately my psyche has been tuned to answer that question with “sex”. I’ve been down that road and had fun, but also gotten very hurt by my own actions and the reactions that came from them.

Due to my actions I received a gift that while I was dealing with I suddenly no longer had. I leave that story in my past, or for quiet times that I need to share. Just know that there are consequences for your actions, ones that leave scars on your heart.

I have been working so hard to figure out my boundaries, who I am, how to interact normally, soberly with other people. My princess bitch came back around after the part of me that I don’t understand showed up. She told me that this project would fail, that I would not find success. She reminded me this is hard, harder than anything I have ever done, and I don’t even know if it is worth doing.

The funny thing is that every step I have taken with Team Rubicon is one that I didn’t know if the outcome would be worth the cost of going. It always has been. I just don’t want to be that person who isn’t taken seriously because she is so busy flirting or goofing around.

So that part of me which I am just beginning to understand pulled back from flirting, from the childish jokes. Maybe I laughed a little less, didn’t smile as much, but I was focused on the task at hand. I was also focused on my aching body, hard working team, the crazy weather rolling off of Tropical Storm Bill and ensuring it wouldn’t affect us negatively. There were more important things to focus on than witty repertoire.

So then these really caring men kept asking me if I was okay. They kept insisting I was not right today. Wanderers… never ask a woman if she is okay, just attempt to support her, without asking that question. If you’re asking, you already know the answer. So all of this was going on and then it started to pour. I love rain, but only when I am not trying to accomplish a task that is time sensitive due to the nature of our operation. I felt like I was letting everyone on the team down, and I was failing as a leader to my folks. It rolled over me as the clouds rained down buckets on our heads. The road flooded and the thunder rang out. It was a perfect mess both physically and mentally.

I have been blessed with an amazing leadership team around me, and extremely kick ass volunteers. I struggle to let new people in, and so despite the awesomeness of those with me, I started blocking them out. I just wanted to shower and not be soaked head to toe trying to keep two cell phones from getting ruined in the my sprints through the rain and mud. My control freak side kicked in, but I wasn’t peaceful and in control, I was more freak. I know I owe these guys an apology, but I don’t feel that I owe them an explanation in to this very confusing psyche I am in. If they want the full gouge they can read this, I just don’t have it in me to tell my story over and over to new people. I don’t care that they know, but I am choosing to not share my story out loud, until I am ready with each person.

“Warrior Soul with a Servant Heart”. At the end of every operational day, when we sit down for our evening meal, the Incident Command Team debriefs us. We share ups, we share downs, they explain the reasons behind things to us. Often they share inspiration to help carry us through the lows. My good friend, Vince, is a rock star. I adore him like cray-cray. After we had been briefed by each section chief and given our ups for the day, he got up front and read this quote from Buddha that was reminiscent of the Karma quote I shared the other day. He then said that the short and sweet version is that in TR we each have a Warrior’s Soul and a Servants Heart.

Life has this epic way of correlating if you can slow down long enough to notice. I often notice after many reminders, but now that I am meditating and working on slowing down I am catching on quicker. Vince’s words tonight were entirely accurate as to the state of me. My Warrior’s Soul wanted to conquer today, as it often does. My Servant’s Heart however may sing a stronger tune, and so once I got the warrior in me calmed down I was able to access my servant once again. I wonder what happened to my Wild Woman and my Bitchy Princess today, I haven’t felt their absence in a while. In the midst of the task I forgot them. Maybe that is my end game, that they are parts of me, but I don’t define them from one another. Maybe they are my Servant and my Warrior.

I was thinking of considering taking the flirting further or look towards a potential relationship in the near future. I don’t want to put a time line on what I am doing anymore, but I do need to start figuring out how to get to know men without the dirty jokes or inappropriate turn of phrases. Of everything I have left behind me, this may be the most difficult. If things are tough now, just imagine what they will be like when this is truly who I am, so much easier.

In the mean time I best ensure I meditate now and prepare myself to apologize for the angst I caused today. Tomorrow is another long day and I know my team will keep kicking ass. Hopefully I will be a little more stable and better able to lead my team in the best way possible.

Signing off from Operation Double Trouble, Wimberley, TX.