When you are wandering, you will be so excited that things will look shiny and new. You will find that your emotional reaction has changed because life has slowed down and taken a new turn. You are taking care of you and that also makes you more conscious of how you take care of others. You will find yourself excited over things that would not normally excite you… LIKE BUGS!
TR Region 7 Leadership got together to do some team building exercises and cut up some fallen wood. I have taken a couple of TR chainsaw classes, but only because then I know how the chainsaw teams should be properly doing their job in the field. Me, with a chainsaw for a whole day, likely to be a bad idea. I have always known this. So I started out as a spotter, which was fine, until my excitement got the better of me. So I volunteered to cut, which apparently left me cutting half the day. That is considered fair since it was me and John partnered on a saw. He would cut half, then I would. I found myself extremely excited by the various bugs I found in the trees. There were caterpillars that matched the tree bark and were super fuzzy and inch worms that matched the bark too, but had yellow eyes on it at the folds. There were butterflies, spiders, and creepy crawlers galore. I didn’t even shudder at the sight of all the ants, and I HATE ANTS!
I found some frustration during the day, and that did not help with my exhaustion. I still can’t hear right. And you know what? This wandering thing is really not as easy as it seems. I made a promise that I would be honest as I blogged, and sometimes that means I am going to say things that are hard for people to hear. I am constantly telling people what I am doing and having to describe it to them because it is different than normal, it is actually really hard. That is one of the reasons I am blogging this experience, because it was exhausting to explain before I actually started this journey. I don’t want to stop what I am doing, but today, right now, in this moment where I am tired, my ears hurt, I am frustrated with people, my arm/shoulder is at an 8, and I just can’t stop the tears from rolling down my cheek… this moment it is really hard.
It doesn’t help that today is day 54 of not drinking. It has been easy to not drink most days. Tonight I didn’t even want a drink, and though I told myself it was okay to drink a coke. My team is supporting me in my decision to not drink, so they would not force it on me or even offer it to me. I still felt different. So take all of that stuff above, and then add in feeling like the abnormal person in the group. All these things I am doing and it was just a ticking time bomb. I walked back to the hotel and went to my room and just laid down and started crying.
Wanderers… It is okay to cry if you need to. It’s normal. Especially if everything feels like its pushing you to the ground, or in my case… immobilizing my body due to pain. I don’t care to cry in front of others, sometimes I just have to release the pressure. I meditated at lunch, but it only lasted so long today. Brain came in to the room and helped me put my E-Stem unit on. Shocking myself always helps the pain level, it still sounds weird to say. As she was doing so there was a knock on the door. It was Papa B. He’s a nurse, and a smart man, and an awesome friend. He came in and played nurse, made me feel better, and he even brushed my hair back out of my face… like my mom would do if she were here. My arm still hurts, but I smell like Icy Hot. These people, they are truly my people. Like I said in yesterdays post, I don’t know where I would be without them. On a really hard no good day like today, they surrounded me with love (literally) and got covered in icy hot in return, but they just laughed it off.
I told Papa B that I am tired and it is lonely being a wanderer with no consistent interaction. I have spent the last two weeks primarily on my own, despite talking to people. We are not meant to be alone, so today really overwhelmed me with interaction, and it all came down to so many things. Through it all my team stands by me. It takes a village to raise a child? Well it takes a village to be a sane and happy adult too. I have my village. They travel to disasters with me and open their doors to me if I ever have a need. I just have to leave my pride behind and accept their invites.
Tomorrow starts another exciting day, and I will be moving states again. For the next 8 days or so I will be surrounded by my village… my tribe… but at the same time I miss each one of you who are also part of my village, and are not near at hand for me to hug.
Somewhere in this journey, I will find a new place to plant my roots, but in the mean time I leave a little root with each of you. So to those of you who are wandering or wish to wander… just know that when you wander you are not meant to be alone, you are meant to reconnect.
Signing off from Macon, MO.