When one begins to wander they will experience a multitude of things. There will be a major financial shift, to ensure that bills are still paid, but that one is free enough to wander. There will be a social shift, leaving friends behind, going to see friends who are spread across the county, and making many new friends. There will be an emotional shift as well.

You can wander in life while having an apartment and a day job. The curse is, if they are consuming you, then you are truly not wandering anymore. I have a pretty mean anxiety issue, so getting rid of those two things would in theory lessen my anxiety. There is a hardship to wandering. It is not simply throwing off the old rags and donning new beautiful robes of peace and introspection. It is hard work to learn to care for oneself after so long of just going with the flow. The anxiety does not just go out the window along with certain responsibilities. It is not because of others, it is because of how I function that I have anxiety. I have to retrain myself to function in a new way.

I struggle to be able to define who I am other than by what I do. This week I have been on a high with new experiences. My emotions have run deep. I have found myself bored, definitely lost, not knowing what to do next, and even wanting to turn back time and return to the safety of a 9-5 and $500 apartment.

I won’t lie. I have been trying to meditate daily for months and have not been perfect. I need to meditate though, it helps significantly. I am getting back in to it, but it will take time for my brain to change again, meditation is not a quick fix. It takes consistency and commitment to do it daily. This morning I meditated at the Falls in Sioux Falls, SD. Did you ever consider that there are actual falls there??? Turns out I had not until someone mentioned it, then I realized of course! So I visited and meditated. All felt right with the world. My inner Wild Woman was dancing in the sound of the falls and the birds in the trees. Then I got in the car and started the 6 hours drive back to Cedar Rapids to swap out cars. I was on a life high.

I love Team Rubicon and sharing our story. It always shocks me how much of an impact my words can have on others. I am often cocky to cover up my lack of confidence. Now I am just trying to be honest and I guess that makes me more confident than I feel. It was a good couple of days. As I was driving home I was enjoying the sun in the sky, the use of a rental car blue tooth, and the fact that I was on the road. It seemed so blissful.

At some point it occurred to me the date and that I was expecting a phone call with some news about a position I very much desired. As the hours passed and the phone call did not come my anxiety heightened. My Bitchy Princess managed to lock the Wild Woman in a cage and was taunting me about my qualifications and capabilities. The Bitchy Princess is not a very good person. SERIOUSLY! If you could be inside my mind you would think I live a soap opera. Here is this picture in my head of this wild woman who looks like a wood nymph being trapped in a steel cage while this evil looking Princess Peach was dancing around her taunting. I could hear my Wild Woman underneath the Bitchy Princess. The taunting was loud, but I worked on tuning her out. I was struggling to not give in to the Bitchy Princess who’s best suggestion was for me to go hit the bar. I stopped drinking 47 days ago, and it’s not been easy, but it’s been right for me. The last thing I need is to give up on myself. Which is what I am very used to doing and that is why I don’t want to drink anymore. I drank because I didn’t care about myself, I just wanted to give up on myself.

I AM CHOOSING LIFE NOW! I want to care about myself, even when that Bitchy Princess tells me not to. There are so many people who care about me and won’t give up on me, why should I not be one of them? I value others so much more than myself, but if I don’t care for myself then I cannot truly help others, now can I? These are the emotions I was dealing with before I began this journey. The reason I am now wandering is because I am looking for the space to find these answers in myself and make them the better answers. I’ll never have a perfect psyche, but at least I can choose to believe in my extraordinary self.

So to lessen my anxiety I spent some time with people I know, completely sober, and I shared what was on my heart and how I know that things happen for a reason and it won’t stop me from being who I am to not get this position. I still had not received word one way or the other, but I was fantastic at making myself feel like the worse candidate for any job ever. As I was getting ready to leave my friends I got a call. I saw the number and wondered what I was going to hear when I answered. It was the comforting voice of the person I was hoping to hear from. He was calling to inform me that I was not selected for the position. The thing is, now that I knew, I had no more anxiety. It was definitive. I had no issue accepting the answer, but the waiting is what I am terrible at. I extremely respect the man who called and he was so gracious and is a great mentor. It was not a terrible phone call, and does not change what I plan to do with my life.

After I hung up the phone I realized just how tired I have been for weeks, telling myself I hadn’t gotten my hopes up, and then of course I was let down. I had so secretly gotten my hopes up that I didn’t feel I could call anyone when I was anxious. It took a lot for me to go see the people I saw instead of going to a bar. They are awesome and support me though, so many people support me in this journey I am making.

I may not have gotten this position, but there will come a time for another position that I am right for. In the mean time I cannot let me ego and bitchy princess over shadow the amazing work I have done this week to help other people, or the honors I have been given in being asked to speak to groups or return to a conference. Everything happens for a reason. I don’t know what will happen instead, but at the end of the day… my people were still there, still holding my hand, still loving on me. I am still who I am, and the anxiety was merely for a moment compared to my whole life. So through this process my emotions will wander, and I will have more days such as this which feel like a rocky road.

However I am walking in grass that is blue and not green, many won’t understand, but some will walk my path with me, or support me from their side of the fence. When you wander and remove the average and the normal from your life and just plan to be a Wild person, and no longer a savage person, then emotions are normal and life is okay.

Signing off from Marion, IA.