“It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and soulful kinship one requires” – Women Who Run With the Wolves

A wanderer is not something that someone suddenly becomes out of nowhere. I believe that if you wish to wander, look back at your life and realize that many times you have wandered, but then always gone back to where you were expected to be. I wandered on to a FOB (Forward Operating Base) where Team Rubicon  was getting ready to help flood victims in Lyons, CO, and fell in love with an amazing organization. As a kid I would wander in the woods, or the library, or wherever I felt like. I believe I was always meant to wander, free, flying, enjoying. Somewhere along the path to adulthood I lost that intuition, that soulful wandering which made me feel alive.

In an effort to over come a multitude of health issues, both physical and mental, I have wandered in to many a program, office, and support group. In February I wandered in to Save A Warrior in Malibu California. I could spend hours defining what they helped me figure out for myself, and as I wander I will share many of those tales. Today’s story is more about why I wander, and it may resound with you and make you want to revisit your wandering self.

There was this Recreational Therapy exercise, where I had to climb a 30′ pole (hooked into a harness) and jump towards a trapeze bar. Below were two people belaying me, people I chose to be my support system over the coming year. Before going up I was asked, “What do you plan to leave behind you when you start climbing?” I knew that question was coming and kept thinking of the things in my past I wanted to leave behind. All those nasty habits and traits which were not who I wanted to be. I told them that I wanted to leave behind the Bitchy Princess who has bitter words for those who try to help, and tells me constantly that one day I will kill myself. She believes that in this world there is nothing good and there is no point. I chose to not let her have control anymore. I was going to jump free of her. My instructors response was that my Bitchy Princess was not going to go without a fight. It may feel like she is gone, but she will stick her ugly opinions in when I least expect them. He said that this leap was my first step towards removing her from my life.

I climbed that pole with such certainty of what I was doing. It made sense, it felt right, I was just going to go up to the top and I was going to jump, no need to think it over, no need to be afraid. I reached the top of that pole and with all the bravado and ego I had in me made a good show by immediately sitting on the top of the pole.

It felt great, I felt strong, I felt capable.

 So picture this, sitting 30′ in the air, facing the Pacific Ocean as the sun was just beginning to set, everything seemed right and possible with the world. Then someone yells “Hey Vic, now you have to stand up!”

WHOOSH. Out goes all that bravado and ego inside of me, and I begin to shake. Now was the real test, not the climb up the pole, not sitting on the top enjoying the view, but standing on my own two feet on what felt like an earthquake. I am not sure what made the pole shake more, me or the wind that day. I got to my feet and stood there, putting my arms out to my sides, soaking in the rays.

 

Then comes the cheer from beneath me as they tell me to let them know when I am ready to jump. I had to take a few breathes, and then a few more breathes. I considered turning around, sitting back down, climbing back down the pole. I also knew that after so many months of work that if I turned around that was probably it for me. If I couldn’t face leaving my Bitchy Princess behind and moving forward with new information and a new path, then there really was no hope for me.

I closed my eyes when I finally jumped. I tipped the trapeze bar, which in itself is a story you will hear at another time. Jumping from that pole and leaving my bitchy princess security guard behind me was okay, because I was flying and I was learning to trust not only other people, but also myself.

I learned many lessons that week, but two of the most important came from this exercise. I learned that it is okay to trust other people. More importantly, I learned what it felt like to fly, be free, and leave the shit at the bottom of the pole while I just fly.

Upon returning home I realized that I would not stay aloft in the air, like in this picture, if I didn’t start doing things completely different in my life. I have shared this story often and it always ends with “And then I flew… and it has made all the difference.”